The Ups and Downs

Well, we're trying to adjust to our new "normal." I know eventually it will be this tiny part of our lives that doesn't make us sad, it just is. But, as a parent, we're still grieving in a way. We can't just jump back to life as normal. Eventually, I assume, we'll have a feel for what her body does and the Dr's will know if they have her on enough insulin or not. Until then, I am still struggling with doing last-minute activities and meals, etc., which is really how we've operated until now.


We left from church today and realized I'd left the "correction factor" worksheet at home. Sophia's blood sugar was 315, and she was fighting mad, and I didn't enjoy trying to reason with her in front of others at church. I knew she was probably high, but then was frustrated that we couldn't go out to eat, because I'm not going to guess at how much extra insulin she's needing at the moment. Plus, I'm getting the sense that a lot of fast food places may have their "nutritional information" available, but then their portion sizes are not what the worksheet says. So, it totally messes with my guessing for the insulin.


It's hard not to want to just become a hermit. I'm not up to risking her carb intake at this early stage, and I'm also very paranoid about germs right now. I was nervous about going back to church today. You can say that you could pick up a germ anywhere, but the truth is, my kids get sick on Tuesday nights or Wednesday mornings, and I know they got it from church. It happens all winter long for us. We'll deal with a cold, but the stomach flu will throw us into a real tailspin for a while. If she can't eat and she's vomiting, it's a whole new ballgame, as they say. I know it does no good to worry about these possibilities, but I'm also just a little fragile right now. I want to get this new lifestyle ironed out a bit and to feel confident in her getting back to close to normal before juggling another stressor in the mix. Does that make sense?

Another one of our battles is to guess if her angry behavior is blood-sugar related or typical 5-year-old stuff. How much do you punish? Do I prick her finger every time she's being rude? Do I overlook high blood-sugar behavior? I'm pretty sure I'd be unreasonable if I were at a 400 and I was supposed to be at 100. But, I don't want her to just be hateful either. How much control does she have at that point? I just don't know. It's all still affecting Jossie and Norah too. They are still quite demanding in their own rights, and we're not always as patient with them as we'd like to be in the moment. It's still early in our struggle, but it's hard not to beat yourself up and think I should be better at handling this. Is this a test and I'm failing?

Sophia is getting better and better about shots. She was hungry this afternoon and said, "I want a real snack. I don't mind if it means I get another shot." She also reminded me after dinner that I had forgotten to do her bedtime shot. She's a rules girl, and she knows how many shots she gets and when. Yesterday she was so hungry for dinner, she was laying on her bed with her butt hanging out waiting for her shot, and I was still in the other room getting everything ready.

Tonight we went bowling. We'd never taken the girls before. It was a lot of fun. They seemed to enjoy it. Well, Jossie enjoys everything. She danced around and didn't ever pay attention to how many pins she knocked down. We didn't say the words diabetes or carbs the whole time, and that was really nice.

Thank you all for crying with us and praying for us. We feel carried in a way right now. Like others are sharing our tears, so we don't have to cry as many.

I stumbled upon these verses earlier. I know it's a famous passage, but it wasn't to me and I found it so comforting and empowering:

Psalm 91

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

This I declare of the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I am trusing him.

For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from the fatal plague.

He will shield you with his wings. He will shelter you with his feathers, His faithful lpromises are your armor and protection.

Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor fear the dangers of the day, nor dread the plague that salks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday.

Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you, but you will see it with your eyes; you will see how the wicked are punished.

If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your dwelling.

For he orders his angels to protect you wherever you go.

They will hold you with their hands to keep you from striking your foot on a stone.

You will trample down lions and poisonous snakes; you wil crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name.

When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rexcue them an dhonor them.

I will satisfy them with a long life and give them my salvation."