Saturday, February 20, 2010

Funny/Odd Child Statements of the Week

First one is Jossie's.   

We have the unfortunate displeasure of driving past a gentleman's club often that is a half mile from our house.  Now when I say "gentleman's club" you know what I mean without any further statement right?  Well, at this particular one, they apparently think you're too stupid to know what those true gentlemen are there for, so they've put black silhouettes of pole dancers and then blatant pictures of boobs and stomachs on the side of the building.  Thank you very much.  

Well, thus far, we've managed to drive past without any 4 or 6 year-olds noticing.  But in the last couple of weeks, my girls have noticed the "ladies bee-beeps" on the side of the building and cannot figure out why on earth they would be there.  

We're driving past the other day, and I hear in the back seat "oh, there's the momma's bee-beeps place."  "Shh...Mommy doesn't want us to look at that."  Me thinking Oh dear Lord, Why?? Why do they see it?  Why does our city allow that on the outside of the building??  How have I actually drawn attention to it by discouraging their eyes to focus on it??  Grrr!

Here comes Jossie:  "Mommy.  Why DO they have those pictures of bee-beeps on the building?"  Me:  "Well, maybe someone just thinks ladies bodies are pretty and wanted to draw a picture to appreciate them."  Jossie:  (Roaring with laughter) "That's so disgusting!  Nobody would think ladies bodies are pretty.  Ewww!  Gross!"  

Then the laughter subsides, and I think maybe we're done.  Then here comes Jossie, "Mommy, do you think they drink milk from mommys' bee-beeps in there?"  Me: "Nope, pretty sure they don't."   I'm about to barf at the thought and the awful conversation, and they're cracking up in the back seat.  

Ahhh...Life's blessed moments.

Now, if you're still reading, and not totally appalled by our car moment, the next story from Norah is cute and funny.

I recently had an ultrasound to see my sweet little baby moving around.  It was a precious surprise, and amazing to see my 10 week, 6 day old baby to have arms and legs, and a beating heart, and he/she was moving all around, kicking, and turning over, and putting his/her hand on its face.  Oh it was sweet.  The picture didn't turn out at all, but my doctor kindly gave it to me anyway.

So, I take home this ultrasound picture and explain that the black hole is the little home the baby is resting in, but that the picture didn't turn out so you can't see the little baby.  Well, Norah decides it looks like a cave and it could be scary with bears in there.  Joe assures her that all is well and no bears to be found, and that was all we heard of it for a few days.

Then, the other night, I'm putting Norah to bed, and she's about to fall asleep and says, "Mommy?"  "Do you think your little baby has to keep his eyes open all the time so it can look out for the bears?"  Me: "No Sweetie, there's no bears by the baby.  The baby's fine."  Norah: "But Mommy?"  Me" Norah, no bears in the cave, now go to sleep."  Norah, sigh..."OK Mommy."  

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Meet Ghetto Woman

Have you been to The Pioneer Woman's website?  Oh it's amazing.  I love to drool at pictures of her life.  She lives in the country.  They have horses and cows.  And a beautiful house.  And beautiful kids.  It's all so picturesque.  She can cook, and the pictures of her cooking make you want to eat it off of the page.  And right now, I don't want to cook it myself, so dreaming about enjoying her food is as far as I'm getting.  

So, I have this nice camera.  I don't know how to use it well though.  It's a bummer.  I should take a photography class.  Because, also on her site are tips for taking fun pics and improving them with photoshop.  I have no idea what she means though, so I can't do those fancy things.  

It's hard not to dream of her life as being wonderful.  Though in a recent "confession" post she talked about haircuts with her kids, and her bursting into tears because of how haircuts might interfere with their country life and need for ponytails.  And then she and the girls had to skip going out to eat in the big city (Tulsa) and get home (3 hours away) so they could help feed the horses.  I didn't like how that sounded.  Definitely too much responsibility for animals for my taste.  

So, I thought about how I could pretend to be as awesome as her (at least on my blog).  And I couldn't come up with much.  I don't have the patience to take photos while cooking, or post them within 6 months of taking them.  Let's face it, there are no cows, horses, or even cute dogs I can take pictures of in my back yard.  And if I go outside to take pics, my reality is inevitable:  I live in the ghetto.

So, wouldn't it be fun to have a "Ghetto Woman" website?  Instead of beautiful pics of horses, deer, and other wildlife, I could photograph the teenagers who walk down my street with baseball bats, and their butts sticking out of their pants.  Or I could set up a hidden camera at 2 am and catch my neighbors conducting their likely illegal business.  Now that would be exciting.  Awe inspiring really.  I could take an early morning frosty picture of the glass in my storage shed that has a bullet hole in it.  Nice, huh?  What about the kids walking around the neighborhood with b.b. guns and hoodies trying to look like they're wannabe gangstas?  Now that's living.  

It just oozes with peace and tranquility, don't you think?  Surely I could sell some sort of book about our dream-life here, where we keep our alarm on even during the day.  Where, yesterday when I saw a car parked in my driveway that I didn't recognize, and as soon as my face shown in the window it sped off, and then I had paranoid thoughts about who that was and why they acted so suspicious, for the rest of the day and often during my restless night.  Yeah, dreams are made of such things.  

Look out Pioneer Woman.  Ghetto Woman might just take the cake in awesomeness and blogging.  People will be inspired, I tell ya.