Couple of Funnies

Two funny stories:

First, Sophia was watching Dr. Doolittle 2 today.  Told me during dinner that it maybe wasn't a good movie, because they said some bad words.  I said with a bit of concern and regret for not screening it better, "like what?"  

"Oh, it's bad," she said.  "They said butt and COWARD!!"  Jossie says, "What does coward mean?"  Sophie: "OH, you didn't even know what it meant?!  I knew I shouldn't have even said it out loud. Jossie, it's really bad."  

She felt really bad about that word.  I love sweet innocence.  

Second.  This one is a sad reflection on me, but funny nonetheless.

The other day during homeschool, the girls were being a bit loud, not listening, etc.  I had to call Joe for some reason and told them to be quiet so he didn't hear them being naughty in the background.  Well, Norah thinks she'll use the moment to get her sisters to laugh (always way more important than obedience in our house).  So, she stands under me in the doorway looking at her sisters while I'm on the phone.  She has a play phone, and starts snapping her fingers with the phone on her ear, pointing to her sisters and says, "Shush yo moufs gulls! You want Daddy to heaw you?" (No 'r's for her.  I'm waiting til 2nd grade to see if she gwows out of it, because it is just so cute.).  

Oh my.  I blame Joe.

Trying to Laugh

Sometimes I laugh at the title of the blog being 'Family Laughs" and it seems like I haven't posted anything funny in so long.  We do still laugh, I just seem to never have the time to post about it before it drifts from memory.

Then there are moments in life where you just feel kicked...

My precious mother-in-law just found out she's diagnosed with lung cancer.  No further information yet.  Very frustrating.  She's been coughing and sick for almost a year.  She's had 4 biopsies before it finally revealed what we'd suspected for quite some time.  Though suspecting for some time, it doesn't make you prepared.  We had a host of other ideas of what it could be...like fungal infection, bacterial infection, etc.  You're never really prepared to hear the word Cancer.  

It's been a roller coaster of emotions since Friday.  Trying to tell the girls that Nana's fighting a bigger battle than we'd hoped, wasn't easy.  Sophie asked some hard questions.  Norah asked if it grew like a plant.  Even tonight when praying, asked for those things to stop growing in her Nana.  Sophie asked God to heal her, "because she needs to get back to cleaning our houses!!"  She knew she was being funny, but also knows that Nana hasn't had any energy for some time, and she used to love just jumping in and cleaning...it is one of Sophie's favorite things to join her in when they're together.  They are kindred spirits in many ways.  They're both organized, melancholy, love deeply, Type 1 diabetics, find coloring perfectly therapeutic...I could go on and on.  

Joe's stress and gigantic expectations from others at work hasn't diminished in the slightest.  Life doesn't wait for an easy time to bring crisis.  And then you add that this is his Mama, and he really loves her.  Not fun at all. 

I don't believe this is the end for her, but I know this is going to be a difficult journey.

It's hard not to look at life as "not fair" sometimes.  Reta, Joe's grandma, who is also Nana's mom, has lost 2 sons already to cancer.  She's 91 and fit and vibrant...we've always joked that she's going to take care of all of us someday, in fact she's taken care of old people as her job up until a few weeks ago when she fell and broke her hip!  It pains me to think of what she must be feeling right now knowing her daughter has this beast to battle.  

I worry about my kids ability to handle the stress of it all.  It will be a time of growth for them.  They really adore her.  

Moments like this put it all in perspective.  We don't know our days ahead.  We never know if we have tomorrow.  We have to take each day to show love, to show grace, to extend forgiveness.  Family isn't ever perfect, but they're each worth being valued, enjoyed, adored.

I was so inspired by Jeanette (Nana) when talking to her briefly about it last week.  She said, "I only have today to pray through.  If I have tomorrow, I'll pray to get through tomorrow.  I can't let my mind go down the path of what ifs."  

Our God is a good and merciful God.  My friend reminded me of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego when getting ready to be thrown in the fire.  They proclaimed that they believed their God was good and would save them, and that even if He didn't, they would still proclaim His goodness to the end.

So this is how we laugh in the face of pain and suffering: we still proclaim His goodness to the end.

Cynicism

This may sound cynical, oddly enough, but I just don't like cynicism.  It's like poison.  And in this age of quick one-liners, arguing without accountability or face-to-face reactions...it's rampant.

Now, I have been known to be guilty-as-charged in this regard.  I've gotten all heated in debate, even nearly caused deep damage to one of my most significant relationships due to this type of careless barb-throwing. I've done some soul-searching where that's concerned, and found that keeping my mouth shut and valuing relationships over being right is a better place for me to be.

However, I'm talking more about this general cynical attitude that is everywhere right now.  Not so much the discussing or disagreeing on ideas.  I wish I fully understood it all.  It seems to have a lot to do with being able to read an abundance of brief, barely researched articles that give barely authentic opinions, and then us developing barely researched and hardly authentic opinions based on the ease of reading these things.  Am I making sense?  Like, we're so all knowing because we can so easily read a plethora of info on the internet.  Rarely questioning it's validity or tainted slant.

I'm not saying all cynical people are lacking in knowledge.  They may be very knowledgeable.  Maybe they lack in wisdom.  The wisdom to know that they don't have to prove how much they "know" to everyone.  

When I read someone's thoughts that categorize everyone who disagrees as "narrow-minded," "stupid," "naive," "evil," etc., I'm really turned off by what that person has to say.  I suddenly think that person is rather "narrow-minded" to assume their position is the best way to think about it.  

Sadly, this is a really popular way to be in the Christian culture right now.  Anything that Christians used to take a strong stand  on is now "uncool" or "unloving" and so we throw around these elitist comments, degrading our fellow-believers as stupid, narrow-minded, evil, etc.  We can't just see elitist academia as the root of this type of thinking or perverting the public opinion.  We are doing it too.  And where is the love in that?  It's lost on me.

I think debate can be healthy.  

I think discussion and not even agreeing on everything is part of life...if done in relationship and with some accountability for your statements.  But, when the church turns on itself and ridicules itself...we are not looking any different than the world around us.  We've lost our real purpose...our real sense of Love.  

I'd love to hear thoughts from others...

Another Great Made-Up Recipe!

I have been a bit creative this summer.  For one thing, I don't have a million places to be, and so I think about food more, and I enjoy cooking...other than when it requires turning on the oven when it's 110 outside!  Wish I were kidding!!  I've also been trying to be a better steward of my already purchased foods, without running back to the grocery store so often.  So, much less has been wasted around here...we're even eating our leftovers!!  Shocking, because that's just not our thing.  

But, leftovers there were not, because we loved this one...kids included.  Jossie of course exclaimed, "This is the yummiest meal ever!!" and had 3 helpings.  One thing about Jossie, is when she's eating, she's eating a lot!  She might skip a few meals, but when it's something she loves...look out!  Joe had to fight her off of the last little bit so he could have seconds.

So the recipe (approximations since I made it on the fly):

Thai Lettuce Wraps with Fried Rice

1 cup dry jasmine rice (cook according to package directions)

Soy sauce (I used Kikkoman low-sodium)

Ground Turkey (93% lean)

3 cloves minced garlic (divided)

1 large carrot

1/2 onion diced

1/2 zucchini diced

1/4 c. Newman's Own sesame ginger dressing

1/2 c. chopped peanuts

Lettuce for wrapping (large leaf like Romaine, green leaf, etc.)

1 egg.

1/4 tsp ground ginger.

2 packets Truvia

Brown the meat, and break it up.  Add 2/3 of the garlic, 1/2 of the onion, all of the zucchini, and grate half of the carrot into the mixture.  Add plenty of soy sauce, the dressing, the ginger (fresh would be better, but I didn't have any), and the truvia.  Add extra dressing or soy sauce to taste.  Add chopped peanuts at the end to warm through.  To serve: put lettuce leaves on plate, and a pile of meat mixture and some fried rice.  Let everyone fill their own lettuce and enjoy!  You could top with sliced scallions and chopped cilantro for added Thai flavor.

For the fried rice:

Warm a generous amount of olive oil in the pan (After what my pan looks like, I'm thinking stainless steel is not the way to go for this dish).  Dice the remainder of the carrot, and add to warm pan with remainder of garlic and onion.  Cook until softened.  Add the rice and let it brown some, stirring often.  Add plenty of soy sauce for flavor.  Make a hole in the middle of the rice mixture.  Beat an egg and add to the pan in the middle.  Scramble and stir into the rice.  Serve!  Also would be good with sliced scallions.

Mmmm...

Homemade is always better.  Doesn't leave you with that heavy, preservative-filled, grossed-out feeling.  

Feel free to give me some comment love.  You don't have to make this recipe to comment.  

Yummy Dinner

I am so not a food-blogger.  I just love food.  But, I won't be taking any pictures of what I've eaten with steam rising and a beautiful bouquet in the background.  Regardless, I find food good for the soul.  I don't have time for many essentials in my life, but cooking well and healthy make me feel like I'm doing well for my family.  And, selfishly, I just like yummy food.

I've been trying to increase my ability to feed us more organically.  The real motivation, is that I can justify baking sinfully good brownies if I've made sure our veggies have made it in our bellies.  The girls are good at trying most things.  Some days, Jossie will look at what I've made and cry and say, "It's the worst day ever!!"  Then I always force her to take at least 3 bites with me watching before she can talk me into a back-up plan.  Most every time she exclaims, "Mmmm... This is soooo good!  It's the BEST DAY EVER!!!"  

She vacillates a lot.

Tonight I wasn't sure if it would be a winner.  We recently discovered that they all like stuffed peppers (you know, with beef, rice and tomato sauce).  So tonight, I thought I'd make some, then realized one of my peppers was bad and that left me a little short.  So, a back-up plan had to be found.  Here it is:

Title:  I don't know??  Italian beef and pepper bake (Just throwing out an idea, you can call it whatever you want).

1 lb. ground beef (lean)

1 onion diced

2 carrots diced

3 garlic cloves diced

1 large red, orange, or yellow pepper chopped

Fresh tomato chopped.

1/2 of large zucchini chopped

1 jar marinara sauce (my favorite is Archer Farms)

Fresh herbs from garden (basil and flat-leaf parsley)

3/4 cup dry brown rice

Goat cheese (optional)

Can chopped black olives (optional)

1/2 bag of shredded mozzarella

Directions: 

Cook brown rice as directed.  Brown beef, and break up into small bits.  If beef is lean and pan is not dripping in grease then add onion, carrots, garlic, tomato, and pepper and saute until soft.  (If greasy, drain first).  The last few minutes, add sauce, zucchini, herbs, goat cheese, olives and heat through.  I don't like mushy zucchini, so that's why.  Add your cooked rice.  Pour into large cooking-sprayed corning ware dish.  Top with shredded cheese, and heat through til melted and bubbly in 350 oven for 10 minutes. 

It really turned out delicious.  Like, I'm really looking forward to lunch tomorrow.  And nobody claimed it was the worst day ever.  In fact, it went down with many comments about its yumminess.

Enjoy!  

Let me know if you try it, and what you think!

One of Those Days

You know...where all 4 kids have something funky going on.

Well, to be fair, Jude is perfectly healthy, but he got in a weird sleep cycle Saturday night and Joe and I took turns walking with him until he fell asleep for me at about 3 am in the living room.  But, not before he had woken everyone in the house with his crying.  His very tiring crying cycle occurred right after Juice. A. Moose came in and screamed loudly, "My ears really hurt!!"  

Sophie's been battling high blood sugars since the last day of camp.  I'm sort of at a loss at this point.  They discovered a crack in her pump, so I was told to call Medtronic.  Medtronic promptly sent us a new one...and it was purple!!  These sorts of things excite us.  If it's got to be worn...why not a new color?  And the purple is so pretty!

Anyway, I've upped her rate, changed her site twice, given her shot corrections, upped her rates, upped her rates, corrected...I don't know what to think to be honest.  Still no ketones, so I'm thankful.  It wears on me night and day though.  I'm constantly trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong.  Is she sick?  Is she growing?  Is the new pump not working?  Ugh!!  

Then, Sunday morning Norah woke up with a tummy ache and saying, "I need to go to da doctor!"  Drama is not in short supply around here, so I have to weigh out all statements with what I can see.  So, I gave her infant gas medicine, encouraged her to poop, gave her kale, gave her chocolate coconut milk...somehow convinced that it must have to do with poop.  It's a time-tested theory: child with tummy ache...must have to poop!  She seemed to feel well enough to go to church, so off we went!  Pulled into the parking lot and she barfed all over the floor of the car.  So, home we went!  

A little rest and some mac-n-cheese, and she seemed to be back to normal.  Played with her sisters in the pool for a while.  Then came in doubled over in pain, starting to have a fever, fell asleep on the couch.  Now I'm starting to worry.  I go google it, and keep coming up with possible appendicitis.  I'm thinking I'm overreacting, and also thinking I have mommy instincts for a reason...and this one just doesn't feel right.  Called a friend who's a doctor.  He was so helpful to listen to my concerns.  Called our nurse-on-call through our doc office..she said, "she's been in pain for too many hours, struggling to walk, crying out in pain in her sleep...we want to have her seen."  So, off to the E.R. at midnight we go.  Thankfully, they were not crowded, and well-run.  

But, poor sweet Noni-bear...oh, I felt for her.  She has a serious poker face.  If you know her, you know what I mean.  If she doesn't know you really well, she will not speak to you, will not smile, will not acknowledge you are saying anything.  So, the doctor is pushing all over her very sore tummy, and she just lays there not saying a word, blinking back the tears.  He said he could tell she was in pain by the way her body was resisting.  She peed in a cup and it came back urinary tract infection.  Yay!  Simple problem, no surgery.  I was a happy momma.  She was so funny all night though...well, as long as you weren't a stranger poking on her belly.  She chatted and talked about EVERYTHING.  Such a girl.  We were amazed at how much she has to say when she's not competing for attention from sisters.  

Then, this morning Jossie's ear was still really hurting.  "Mommy, it hurts to smile."  Well, we can't have Miss Joyful hurting when she smiles.  So, since my sis-in-law had driven down to stay with kids while we went to the E.R. last night, and was still there with us, I used the great opportunity to run her to the doctor sans siblings.  Swimmer's ear.  Glad I went.  So sore.  

Poor babies.

I'm pooped.  I hope they all feel better tomorrow.  

Book Overload

I read a lot of books...all at once.  I started thinking about how many open and un-finished books I have laying around.  They're all practical in some way.  I love fiction, but find I'm an irresponsible parent when I open one of those.  I get so obsessed with what happens next and how it ends, that I won't put it down or tend to basic needs of my kids.  So, practical books in short 10-minute stints it is for me.  

I've found most of these books are themed around simplifying, and controlling the chaos in my life.  Maybe God is working on my heart in this area???

Here are the ones I currently have open.  I'll do my best to give a brief synopsis, but will likely butcher it.  And let's face it, I haven't completed any of them, so these aren't critiques for the most part.

1) 1000 Gifts, by Ann Voskamp.  I LOVE THIS BOOK!!!  It is absolutely life-changing.  She has been through the trenches.  Not a person who has developed a hokey theology based on something fluffy.  She very vulnerably shares her life and tears apart the scriptures to show where God has changed her outlook to one of constant thanksgiving.  This book has begun to really mess with me on days I want to complain.  She has done an excellent job at showing how we can trust God's goodness in all of life, even the painful parts.  She is a very poetic writer, and some of her sentences are so rich that I will pause there for several days to try to chew on it for a while.  

2) Organized Simplicity:the clutter-free approach to intentional living, by Tsh Oxenreider.   I haven't made it very far in this, but I like it.  She has some practical applications for decluttering, but her overall goal isn't just to make you purge your belongings, but to develop a life-purpose for your family.  Wouldn't we all live more fully if we actually thought about what was meaningful in our lives and wrote out a purpose...something we wanted others to see without reading, just by the actions we take?  Yes.  I haven't written one yet, but it is inspiring.  Of course, one episode of Hoarders on TLC is enough to make me want to throw away any meaningless thing in my life.

3)  Sane Woman's Guide to Raising a Large Family, by Mary Ostyn.  What I wanted when reading this?  Step-by-step plan and detailed schedule of how she keeps everything clean, everyone fed, everyone loved and happy, so I can stop trying to figure it out on my own.  It's not that.  It's an easy read though.  It seems to normalize the feelings of a mom with a larger family.  The looks and comments you get in public are universal, apparently.  Not that 4 kids is a huge amount, but in public you'd think it was 13 by the comments I get.  She does have some practical ideas that are really common sense, just not a detailed schedule that will take all guesswork out for me.  It's probably better that way.  In reality, when I see some moms schedules written out where they rise at 5 am, keeping every single minute structured until they lay down at 10 and "keep their husband happy," I get a little nauseous.  

4)  Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach, by Howard Glasser and Jennifer Easley.  This book has been truly transforming.  I sort-of wish the title were different, because when said "difficult child" reads the title, it's a little painful.  I told her the truth: it's actually about transforming the parent so that the child feels more loved and her needs are better met.  But, if they titled it in a way that it's meant to change the parent, probably nobody would read it, because we want to believe it's all our kids' fault.  I love this book, because it's helped us change the way we do things.  It's natural for parents to just get in this cycle of "kid acts up, parent punishes."  This book encourages "upside down parenting," where you notice everything your child does...not praise it, just offer neutral comments, like "I see you're coloring with a green crayon..."  It feels so unnatural at first, but it's amazing how quickly your child perks up with this.  It has to go beyond neutral "good job!" comments...they know those are neutral and not really noticing them.  Then, when they trust you more because you notice them more, you can implement a points system, and simple corrections when needed.  There are so many details in this book.  I am doing it a serious injustice.  It's a book filled with much wisdom and no guilt.  I like it so much that I've bought it twice.  Why?  Because I returned my copy to the library and they never found it.  Darn it!

5) Family Feasts for $75 a Week, by Mary Ostyn.  This is nice.  She gets healthy eating, and goes beyond couponing (which I just cannot seem to do), and gives practical ways to feed a big family.  I struggle with keeping down my grocery budget.  It is expensive to eat non-processed food.  This has 200 recipes as well.  I've only tried a few, but I like it.  Many of them are cultured, as she has 6 adopted children from other countries and wants to feed them food that will remind them of their first home.  Lots of tips in this book...I pick it up a lot when we're watching tv at night and I want to think of a dinner recipe or plan, or want a few tips.

6) Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream, by David Platt.  I literally just opened this last night, so I definitely can't tell you much.  But, I am moved by the first chapter...seriously moved.  I try to be a person who doesn't just follow all of our cultural norms, but I am amazed by what is written how much I've truly allowed myself to be shaped by our culture.  I decided to get this book when a friend posted on facebook that she had read it, went out and bought a house on auction, and wants to pay off debts and adopt as many children as possible.  It messed with me, so I bought it.  So far, he lists several of the things Jesus actually says, and how that looks like "radical abandonment," and even says, "We're settling for a Christianity that revolves around catering to ourselves when the central message of Christianity is actually about abandoning ourselves."  Ouch.  He also says, "We are giving in to the dangerous temptation to take the Jesus of the Bible and twist him into a version of Jesus we are more comfortable with.  A nice, middle-class, American Jesus.  A Jesus who doesn't mind materialism and who would never call us to give away everything we have.   A Jesus who would not expect us to forsake our closest relationships so that he receives all our affection.  A Jesus who is fine with nominal devotion that does not infringe on our comforts, because, after all, he loves us just the way we are.  A Jesus who wants us to be balanced, who wants us to avoid dangerous extremes, and who, for that matter, wants us to avoid danger altogether.  a Jesus who brings us comfort and prosperity as we live out our Christian spin on the American dream."   I probably didn't make you want to read this book, I'm guessing.  I do not find capitalism evil, and don't expect to by the end of this book (because I don't believe that's the goal).  If not for people who make money, we don't have any to make a difference in the world, but I do expect to have a changed heart in what matters most to me...because I do love Jesus enough to figure out how to love Him more than me.  So there!  

7) Stepping out of Denial and Into God's Grace, by John Baker.  This is the first book in the Celebrate Recovery participant guides.  If you haven't heard of Celebrate Recovery, you should Google it and find out.  It's an amazing program targeted at everyone.  Basic premise is that we all have "hurts, habits, and hang-ups" and we can use our relationship with Jesus to find healing.  I have this amazing group of women that I meet with weekly (when it isn't summer), and we decided we could do this step-study together.  I started it thinking I really didn't have much to discuss, but God's amazing grace would tell me otherwise...that I have plenty to change.  It's so good to be open to change.  

This concludes a glimpse into what I'm reading and doing.  Have a nice day!

B is for Botatoes and Balogna

"B" is for "Botatoes."  Why?  The other night Jossie says, "Everything we're eating for dinner tonight starts with 'b'!"  "Really?" We reply.  "Yes," she says, "Beef, broccoli, bread, and botatoes!"

Big smile on the inside.

Joe enlightened her, of course.  

Oh, but those are the moments.  The moments you want to write on your heart forever.  Like the times when they laugh, and throw their heads back, and bat their cute long eye-lashes at us.  The moments where they climb higher on the playground and wait for your joy at their accomplishments.  The moments where they snuggle, and grab your face and say, "I love you sooo much!"  The moments when it hurts to look at them because you love them sooo much more!  The moments when the clothes they pick out look so awful, but they are so confident and happy in them that you just don't say anything.  The moments when they sing songs of pure joy, and make-believe.  When they spontaneously sing about how much they love Jesus while nobody's listening in the back yard.  

Those moments bring a joy that is hard to put into words.  

Now, why "B" for "Bologna?"  

The other day Yahoo! had an article about how "they've" discovered that people with no children are actually happier.  And that's where I give a resounding "Bologna!"  (Cuz I surely wouldn't use a more uncivilized word that starts with B here!  I won't lie, I'd rather).

What has happened to our society that we actually study and believe such things?  We are like frogs in a pot.  We don't even know that it has hit a boiling point.  What are our priorities?  Sure, it's easier to accomplish, go out to eat, socialize, make money, and feel important.

No doubt.

Don't get me wrong, I get that there are people who want children and can't, or are single.  Or maybe even think they are too messed up for kids.  I'm not really addressing those issues, because that's not what this article was about.  It was a general statement that children are inconvenient, burdensome, and even that they are financially just a "bad idea."  

There isn't much glory for the world in chubby dirty little fingers, and wiping noses, and comforting injured little toddlers.  Or in breaking up fights over who had the favorite Barbie first, or sending kids to time-out.  Not much honor in dirty houses because relationships with your children come first.  Not much excitement when you stay home most days and your greatest accomplishment looks like a shower and you fed the kids, and maybe you read a couple of books to them, and encouraged some math lessons.  Nope.  

The article talked about how important "me time" is.  I guess it's lost on me.  I'm not saying I don't get over-touched, or that I don't love going to the grocery store alone.  But, I have to fight with every fiber to not believe that I'm missing out on something because I don't take personal vacations, or have the nicest clothes, or get manicures, or care about the latest star news.  No, I actually like my kids. And for that matter like being around them.

I want them to enjoy being a part of our family.  I want them to feel secure and to want to spend their time with us.  I want their souls to prosper, more than I want a beautiful home and a life that is successful in the world's eyes.  

How do you study and tell the Yahoo! peeps that children teach you about how great the love of God must be for us, if it resembles and exceeds how much we can love these sweet souls?  How do you put into words the level of love, and how parenting isn't always easy or clear-cut, but it's always worth it?  It far exceeds the financial drain.

The problem with our society is narcissism.  It's such a problem that we don't even recognize it when it's diagnosable.  It's all around.  We thrive on this sickness.  On me-ness.  We reward it.  We use and manipulate others to get to the top.  We whine about all the things we don't have if people around us do.  It's beyond "keeping up with the Jones'"  Our self-love and adoration is producing such false studies as this one.  It's evidence for years has been seen in the ultimate sacrifice of children's lives.  We're taught that if you don't use responsibility in the first place, and wind up carrying one of these financial kill-joy babies, then just eliminate it.  Because it's all about your choice, and what you want, and what's convenient.  Two-thirds of all viable pregnancies in New York city are ending in abortion.  Does anyone see a problem with that statistic besides me?  Does it seem to have anything to do with our self-importance?

It's true.  It's never convenient to have a baby.  It's never easy.

I wasn't trying to get political here, that's not what I want from this blog.  I didn't even have the topic of abortion in mind when starting this entry, but in realizing the nature of why this article emerged, I can't help but see the trends in our convenient society.  And to be honest, I don't hate women who make that choice.  I hurt for them.  They've been lied to that it's not a big deal.  I believe for most women, that eventually the reality of ending a beautiful and innocent life haunts them and tears apart their hearts.  There is forgiveness for them, but it doesn't change the fact that most will eventually be tormented by their decision.

OK, major rabbit trail there...

Back to people who are "happier" for not having kids.  Do they know what they're missing when a baby's breath slows and comforts to the sound of your voice singing?  When he wraps his chubby fingers around yours.  When she giggles at everything you do?

And, oh those hugs.  Only reserved for Mommy and Daddy.  The special, lingering, trusting, undeserved, dependent hugs.

Sometimes it's hard.  Really hard.  Sometimes you have a child with an illness that requires any chance of "me-time" you could have dreamed of having.  Sometimes that illness is debilitating for life, and you love them all the same.  Sometimes those kids grow up to make bad choices, and those parents ache for their child's peace in life.  Sometimes a parent loses a child and their heart feels like it's been ripped from their chest.

Ask any parent if they would trade in all of the "me-time" and financial success in the world for the chance of avoiding that pain.

I don't know any.

Because they love and are deeply loved.  And that is happiness.  

Ghetto Immune

Remember my decision to be "Ghetto Woman" instead of trying to compete with "Pioneer Woman?"  Who can compete anyway?  She's just awesome.

Well, the ghetto lives on, and we continue to reside within.  I might be exaggerating a bit, as it's not really the ghetto, but there are a few homes that make me nervous.  (Obvious drug deals, late night heavy traffic coming and going, frequent visits from police, etc.).

The other day I was out watering my front flowers, which sadly are dying due to the ridiculous heat in June we're experiencing.  Anyway, I could hear a police search helicopter nearby.  You always know it isn't life-flight, because it doesn't just head in one direction, it keeps circling.  We live close enough to some shopping centers, that it isn't totally uncommon for one to be circling at night in search for a thief.  This was the middle of the day.  

You know you're immune to it all though when you just keep watering your flowers and the neighbors pull up and wave.  

Then I got a call from Joe while I was still out there saying there was a police standoff with some guy less than a mile away, who had fired a bunch of shots and carjacked someone.  OK, that was enough for me to say, "Kids, let's go inside."  

They, unfortunately heard my conversation and then needed to know all about the "bad guy."  For Norah, she was quite disturbed to know that "bad guys" were actually real.  They enjoy reading books with their Daddy like, "The Hobbit," "Narnia," etc.  She can handle those "bad buys" because they're fictitious.  But, to have to reconcile that there are people who make evil decisions and put others in harms way, that was a whole other ball game.

She said, "Mommy, kids really don't like the real scary things like, bears...lions...and real bad guys."  

Later at dinner the kids needed resolution for this story.   How much do you tell them?  The reality was, he had kidnapped someone, was in a police chase, pulled into Wal-Mart and fired about 15 shots in the store (not harming anyone), and then walked out and tried to carjack some foreign-exchange student from China, who refused to give him his car.  "Bad Guy" then shot the man and killed him in his car.  At this point the police are closing in.  He carjacks another family...lets them get out at least, and then tries to drive off firing shots in the air, and was subsequently shot and killed in the car by the police.

Maybe a bit much for the kids??

Norah's getting increasingly anxious at the thought of a real bad-guy possibly wandering around, despite my assurance without details that "he's no longer a threat, Honey."  We're sitting at dinner discussing and she looks at Joe and says, "You should shoot him wif yo' guunn."  

We don't call her "No-Mercy-Noni" for nothing!

Disclaimer:  Joe doesn't go wielding any guns around for the children to see, nor talk about such things.

Needless to say, when Joe assured her the police had already done that, she dropped it and never talked about it again.  

Life in the Ghetto...

It's complicated at times.

Craziness Example

This is just a follow-up to the last post.

After 3 days of numbers that pretty much stayed above 300, I was frustrated.  She was acting increasingly goofy, as in, lacking in self-control.  She did not have ketones, which is miraculous in itself.  She was not having any obvious sickness symptoms, which is a given that she'll have high numbers and need a higher insulin rate for a few days.  During that time, I had changed her pump twice, thinking I must have given her a bad site that wasn't absorbing well.  I had changed insulin bottles, thinking her older one maybe had gone bad for some unknown reason.  I had given her a shot to correct, to see if that would show me if it was her pump, or just her body needing more insulin than what I was giving her.  I had increased her rates to 120%, then 135% when that wasn't working, then 150% a few hours later.  When that seemed to do nothing, I upped it to 165%, and finally at 9 pm last night, after a few hours at 185% she was at 156 blood sugar, then 121 at 10:00.  I proudly exclaimed, "Hallelujah!"  Then when Joe tested her at midnight she was low, and that was with me dropping the rate down to 170 for the night, because though 185% was finally working, it seemed too high for an entire night.  Ugh!!  I'm expecting her to be high again this morning, because he just cancelled that temporary basal rate in the night...we'll see.  She's still sleeping, which is fine, except when you're a diabetic mommy you can't help but have that thought in the back of your mind that she could be so low in her bed that she's now comatose.  

*sigh*

To add to the craziness are things like taking her to the Allergist for her regular appointment yesterday, and telling him that she might be fighting something because her blood sugar numbers were high.  He asks what I mean by "high," and I told him 200's and 300's (actually mostly 300's, but I felt better throwing in 200's as well).  He gives me his bug-eye shocked look, and says, "That's REALLY high!  What are you doing about that?!"  

Really?  I didn't realize THAT was high!  Wow!  I must really not have a clue about these things!  I apparently don't know the first thing about taking this disease seriously. 

OK, I feel better.  I know he probably wasn't implying that much of failure on me, but it's hard not to hear that in a "REALLY?!!!" sometimes.  I went on to explain in 1 sentence or less that it's part of the "every day is a guessing game routine, and I give her more and more insulin to try to bring her back in range" deal.  

To add to my "mother of the year" award comes moments when I make Sophie feel guilty for actually wanting "more carbs?!!"  As if she is personally responsible for making her blood sugars so high because she wants to eat like normal.  Such a good thing to imply to your daughter who can't help that she has this disease.  I, of course, didn't heap that much guilt on her, but it's hard to keep your feelings out of the way when you've tried everything you can think of and she won't come down.  In my mind the only logical solution at this point is to make her eat nothing but protein, until she gets back in range.  Not a popular idea with a growing 8-year-old.  

Well, she's awake now.  Not that I was really worried...

Off to see what today holds!

Diabetes...Mommy the Pancreas

It's been a while since I've discussed Sophia's darn disease. It's going ok, all things considered.  I took her to the doc today for her quarterly check-up.  Her A1C was 7.5%.  I was kind of bummed.  It's actually a good number for a growing child.  Her doctor is always kind and encouraging, and says "she's just perfect," like every time.  It was up .3% from last time, and I really expected it to have gone down.  Maybe it's just a mind game I play, or maybe it's comparison to other diabetic kids with better #'s, but I really felt like I had been on top of the numbers and she was going to be below 7 this time.  FYI...the ideal range is between 5-7%.  You and I are 5 or lower.  

It's a daily responsibility to guess appropriately everything she eats and make sure she gets the carbs put into her pump.   Then if her blood sugar numbers are normal (I don't worry much if they're below 150), then we rest easy and are thankful that she's getting the correct insulin that she needs.  But most days have a number that's over 200 at some point, and then if I'm not doing 20 other things and can wrap my brain around it, I need to check if her last carbs were even entered (in other words, did Sophie put the carbs in her pump, which then administered the right amount of insulin?).  If they were, then I need to think about if I guessed the carbs wrong. If I'm certain I didn't, then I watch for her next number to see if it's high.  If she's not coming down with corrections, then I need to see if her insulin is old.  If not, does she need a site change because the current one isn't correcting well?  If all those things are ruled out, then after a day or two of higher numbers I need to put her on a temporary increase, and that's a guess of adding 20% more all day to an extra 90% if she's sick.  

Then you add weird factors like this was birthday weekend for she and Jossie, and so there was added stress, and added sugar (yay for cake!!), and she was high all weekend.  Then factor in added exercise, which should be making her low and very often does during the summer.  So many things to analyze on a daily basis.  Never a day off for a mommy of a diabetic.  The most difficult decisions are definitely in the middle of the night.  Joe, bless his heart, hasn't slept decently since Jude was born.  He sacrifices his sleep almost nightly to get up and test her, correct her, take her to the bathroom, etc.  (If she's running high then her urine output is much higher, which can lead to wet beds).  Often he'll try to wake me and ask what he should do about a correction or not.  I am so foggy-headed...especially if I'm not the one who got up to test her.  I make bad decisions sometimes in those moments, because I just can't think about it.  She occasionally wakes up low in the mornings (below 70), but never at a scary number, so I'm thankful we've never truly put her in danger with too much insulin in the night.

To add to frustration sometimes, her behavior gets much worse by day 2 or three of higher numbers.  That would be today.  She just struggles to use a calm voice, or struggles to be reasonable.  It's very challenging, because we know why she's out of control, and yet we have to teach her to try to control her behavior and trust us to help her make good decisions.  I wish I could give that disclaimer when in public, but it is what it is. 

It sounds negative, which I'm not trying to be.  I'm thankful to be her Mommy...and her pancreas!  I'm in love with that girl.  She has an inner beauty that is hard to beat.  She has grown and matured so much in the last year.  She truly is a great helper with her baby brother, and he totally adores her.  She has overcome many fears, and has gotten very strong physically.  She has become a fantastic gymnast, and is learning to swim...even jumped off of the high dive last week in swim lessons.  Ok, she's a little bitter about that one.  

God is so good to us in it all.  I see His hand in so much of her life.  I see His strength in all of us never giving up on keeping her healthy.  I feel His grace to keep believing and in keeping an attitude of overcoming, not one of being victims.  

He didn't choose this for her, but He can make beauty from the ashes of our bodies and souls...and He does.  

Scarwy Ol' Cow and Repressed Violence

Noni-isms...

A couple of weeks ago I took the girls to a dairy farm for some fresh raw milk.  We purposely went when they would be milking the cows so we could see them.  We bought our milk and then went over to the big building with the big windows to watch outside while the milk flowed freely into the big clear pipes to the big steel drum.  Norah expressed  a little concern, which I promptly ignored as the man opened the door and said we could view a little closer...not in the building, but at the door.

I was excited.  I turned to ask the girls what they thought and saw I was missing a Noni (AKA Norah).  I looked through the window to see her running back to the car.  She was quickly retrieved and still none too excited about the cows and well, downright scared.  

Later that night I asked her why she was so scared of the cows, and she replied in all seriousness, "because, they can jump over the moon!"

Her reasoning was sound.

Then, last week, she had a rough encounter with a stray dog.  It mostly scared her and was being playful, but jumped on her, sent her screaming, and sent many people out of downtown buildings to see what was all the commotion.  A security guard finally secured the dog and walked it away from us.  Later in the evening during bedtime the older two were talking about how they hoped nothing bad happened to that dog.  Norah paused from drinking her bottle, and said, "I hope he takes the dog to a lake with lots of alligators and the alligators eat him."  Back to drinking the bottle.

Yep.  Straight to the special death.  Don't all 3-year-olds think this way?  I promise we don't watch violent shows...

Ahh...love that funny girl.

A Weird Sort of Round

So we're driving the other day and trying to stop the whining about how we won't turn on a show while we drive 10 minutes across town.  We decide to sing a little tune or two.  

Jossie suggests "As the Deer Panteth for the Water..."  So, we oblige.  

Ah...lovely holy moment.  Basking in the sweetness.

Then she suggests "Lord Prepare Me."  So again...revving up our sweet moment, we're singing as a family..

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary...pure and holy...tried and true."

Suddenly in the background, my sweet 3-year-old breaks into a round of sorts with her own song, timed just right.  You know, like right with the "pure and holy."

She sings her most heartfelt words:

If you wanna be my wover, gotta get wif my fwiends.

For those who may be unaware, yes, that's Spice Girls, and the words are "If you wanna be my LOVER, gotta get with my friends."  

Cue the Gasp!! from my mother.

It's from our Just Dance Wii game.

Whatever!

Bleckity Blu

Sophia has the flu.

Sigh

If you've not heard before, it's apparently really bad for diabetics to get the flu.  They're in the "high-risk" category who should always get their flu shots.  Well, we did.  Back in November, in fact.  We try to protect the whole family to lessen the likelihood of her possibly getting it.  I even found our allergy clinic offered them without thimerosol, which is the bad preservative with mercury in it that most flu shots do contain.  So diligent of me.  Or so I assumed.

When she woke up with a fever on Wednesday, I decided to take her in to the doc.  One, because she normally doesn't get a fever with a cold, and two, because though I would normally wait out  a fever for a few days with my kids, my doctor has convinced me that with diabetes she just needs to be seen, as secondary infections can be much worse for her.  I was shocked to hear that she had the flu after they ran the test.  How could this be?  We all had the flu shot.  She said most of the positive cases she was seeing were people who had gotten the shot.  

Great.

My heart sank a little.

Of course I'm wondering how many more of us will get this, and how bad will it be.  The worst common illness I've seen has been the flu.  About 12 years ago Joe got a bad case of it.  He had really high fevers and a wicked cough and was literally delirious for a  few days.  I wasn't a mom and didn't know about alternating tylenol and motrin.  Ever since then, I roll my eyes at people claiming they have "the flu" with every cold.  If you have the flu, you can't take a little cold medicine and show up at work.  It's a really nasty illness.

And it has proven to be one of the most challenging illnesses to battle with diabetes for my little gal.  I know I've stated before that every cold, sinus infection, growth spurt, allergic reaction, moment of stress, etc., causes her blood sugars to be high and difficult to manage.  High blood sugars cause organ damage, and can cause hospitalization if uncontrolled and her body becomes toxic.  

Well, I can change the rate she gets insulin on her pump. She's at 100% normally, and when she gets ill, I sometimes run a temporary rate of anywhere from 120%-140%.  This week, I've had her at 200%, and couldn't get her numbers below the 300's.  I couldn't rest knowing she was just stuck so high, no matter how often I gave her a correction dose, and it wouldn't let me go higher than 200%.  300s are bad.  Normal people run between 70-120 all of the time.  And apparently we all need more insulin when sick, but our bodies just do that.  Oh the things we take for granted that are just natural processes in our bodies.  I finally called the on-call doctor at our diabetes clinic the other night, because I couldn't figure out what to change.  She helped me make all kinds of changes on her pump, and she's getting a LOT of insulin now, but she's out of the scary range.  We're having to test more frequently and still make a lot of adjustments, but I believe she's on the mend and doing better at this point.

You know, the other thing that really weighed on me is all of the mindless comments people make, unaware of how it affects me being a parent of a diabetic.  To be fair, sometimes it's news stories as well, but often it's people who just say things like, "Well, there were [x-number] of deaths from the flu last year, but a lot of those were people like diabetics." Or, "Oh so-and-so died recently.  Sad because he still should have had some years in him, but you know he had diabetes. So, that's how it goes, I guess"   

Really?

Really.

I'm not sure how you say things like that to a mother of a diabetic...especially in ear shot of my diabetic sweetie. (I seriously can't count how many times that's happened). I know the risks, and yet, I don't need to have this constant reminder that my child has to work really hard her entire life to have health and avoid being  just another diabetic statistic.  Why those flu deaths don't really count because a large number were diabetics, is beyond me too.  They count.  They're people.  And in case anyone has forgotten, my daughter didn't cause Type 1 diabetes.  NO amount of dieting, exercise, etc. will cause it to go away.  It is a genetic disease.  It's something most people still don't understand: the difference between type 1 and type 2.  I can't tell you how often I feel judged when I tell a stranger that my daughter is a "type 1 diabetic."  I try to explain she didn't cause it and can't make it go away, but then get a response like I'm just trying to make excuses.  

(Sorry to vent.  I'm not saying you-the-reader feels this way, but I had to get it off my chest.)

So yes, my anxiety levels were up this week a bit because of these sorts of statements and statistics. 

But, I know I have more to stand on than accepted "statistics."  

Our doctor has said that as far as long-term statistics go, she has less than a 3% chance of having organ damage if her numbers are in good control.  THAT is something I can live with.  It means as parents, we can never grow weary of working hard to keep her in good control, but we were given her for a reason, and I think we can bear that burden with Joy.

We also stand on the fact that God has made her and designed her, and has a plan for her life.  He is our protector, our healer, our comforter and friend.  And in all these things we trust.

Joe and I were just discussing how she so rarely even gets ketones, which are the bad things that occur in blood/urine when numbers are high.  It's a bit miraculous as far as we know.  

Our prayer is that we can continually release our anxiety over these things knowing God has her in His palm.  

OK, so I had this baby...

It really happened.  

I thought it might not.

I had a baby.

Really.  I thought I might be pregnant forever.  I've had this thought before, but when you're 5 days overdue with your 4th, you do start giving credence to thoughts that this beach ball might just be a permanent feature.  And I might just be the most miserable person in summertime for the rest of my life.

Did I mention that this was "the hottest summer on record" in our lovely town, according to our local meteorologist?  Disgustingly hot!  I try not to complain.  But, it just became impossible to hold my tongue on the misery I felt by the end of August.  Of course, it never helps when I convince myself, that due to my obvious hugeness and the heat that's just killing me...I'll definitely go 2-3 weeks early.  

Dumb.

If you're pregnant, just don't do that to yourself.  

So, the night of the 4th, I thought I was in labor, but I had thought this many times before in the previous few weeks.  I tearfully decided to go to the hospital, but was convinced that they would surely send me back.  

They didn't like my contraction rate and sent me walking.  

In my lovely hospital gown...

Around the lobby.  

Good times.

Who needs modesty?  Just get the baby out.  

So, long and short of it...they kept me.  

I didn't progress too quickly, but then, as I warned them would happen, I went from a 5 to a 10 in 20 minutes.  Sadly, my doctor had gone out of town (really sad, because he had delivered all of my other babies), and the on-call doctor didn't quite feel the need to hurry.  So, at the last minute a friend of ours comes in and says he's the chief resident for the night and would we be okay with him delivering?

I'm a 10.  Going natural.  Get the baby out.  I DON'T CARE!!

Lucky for him, the other doctor showed up.  

And without further details, out came the baby, and since we were waiting to find out, the doctor said, "It's a baby!!"

I didn't care what we had.  The baby was out and crying and looked amazing.  But, in a moment, Joe moved the umbilical cord, and I could feel his tears as he said,

"Honey, it's a boy!"

Jude Nathaniel.  8 lbs 9 oz, 20 inches.  

Jude the Dude.

Juders.

Juderbug.

My sweet, sweet, mama's boy...

Yep.  We're in love.

He's amazing.  I think we'll keep him.