On Evangelism

This is something I know little about, and don't profess to be good at doing.

Why?

It's uncomfortable.

It's easy to say it's for "other" people to do.

I don't want to be "weird" like America perceives the church to be.

I don't want to make someone else uncomfortable.

I don't know what my story is exactly.

What??

To write it is a little shameful and shocking. What do you think of when you hear the word Evangelism?

Exactly.

I picture loud and in-your-face tv preachers, door-to-door knockers, or people who give a "track" for a tip at a restaurant, on the one side. On the other side I picture the gentle loving missionaries in other countries who are generally warmly received with their message of hope, love, and a faith in a relational God: Jesus.

Now me: Hmmm...American, busy, too busy to talk to my neighbors much, too shy to talk to a stranger in a store, too judgmental of the churches ways of doing things poorly, too insecure in who I am as a Believer.

This isn't a condemnation note. I've just been really inspired by some of the sermons that have been given at my church these last 3 weeks. I love my church. My pastor is really good at not just teaching, but motivating people to get out of their comfy seats and do something to share Jesus. Why? Because we all need Him.

I'd love for you to hear these messages too. Not that I need to make any disclaimers, but they aren't weird, or loud, or abrasive, or condeming. They aren't messages that you'll hear in most churches. On Easter Sunday, 3 different testimonies of God's saving power were given, and they weren't the typical kind you're used to hearing (if you're used to hearing any). They are refreshing. http://www.bctulsa.com/uploads/2009.html You can do podcasts, or go into MP3 downloads for the archives of the messages. April 5, 12, 19 are the dates. This being Monday, I doubt yesterday's message is there yet. But, so worth it if it is. We had a guest speaker: Adam Cox (I think), the head of 24-7 prayer in Kansas City. (Go to http://24-7prayer.com/ if you're interested in that movement. Our church is a big part of it as well.) He's younger than us, and not a life-long church-goer. I kind of thought I was watching a youth pastor at first, but his message was so sweet and meaningful, and a shock to my expectations.

So, I'm still thinking on what this means for me.

I definitely need to think through my story. I love Jesus. I do. We couldn't have made it through the last 6 months, or even the last couple of years with any sense of hope or strength without Him. There's a story in there, I just need words to go with it.

Be encouraged. You have a story too. I'd love to hear it.

Addendum: A friend of mine from church summed it up much more eloquently. It's a good/inspiring read. http://geidlbots.blogspot.com/2009/04/witness.html

Confessions

At the beginning of last week, we had all been a bit cranky. I was the worst, to be honest. But, I was determined we were going to change our attitudes.

When I'm really in a rut with how I'm thinking about life, I know I have to pray for help. I was pleading with God to give me/us peace and to help me think clearly about how to be the role model that I need to be as Mom.

So, we were doing homeschool, and as part of that, we start out before lessons praying together. We discuss any specific things we want to pray about first. Then I usually pray, unless they want to.

So, I'm leading by example and thank Jesus for dying for us and raising again that we might know Him and feel Him in our lives. Then I talked to Him about how sorry I was for being cranky and not obeying with my behavior and attitude. To which Sophie pipes up, "Yeah, God, me too." I thought that was so sweet. She struggles with shame and guilt, so for her to simply confess and acknowledge to God that she made a mistake and needs forgiveness was a huge step.

Then I was moving on with our prayer and Jossie was just quietly sitting there, and Sophie interrupts. "Oh, God...Jossie's sorry too for all of her bad things." Just in case Jossie didn't remember that she needed to confess, Sophie did it for her. What a helpful sister!

And look at her....What could she possibly have to confess?

Banana Mini-Chip Bread

Oh Yeah! I have come up with a delicious and diabetic-friendly recipe. I'm sure there will be many more to follow. When you bake in 3 pans and do 11 slices each, they're only about 12.5 carbs a slice (or 14 carbs if you only do 10 slices each). And a little slice of heaven they are too.

Ingredients:
1/4 c. unsalted butter, softened
1/4 c. natural unsweetened applesauce
1/4 c. veg. oil
1/4 c. sour cream
3/4 c. white sugar
1 c. Splenda Granulated
5 bananas (mashed well before adding).
3 eggs
2 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 1/4 c. Whole Wheat flour
1 c. all-purpose flour
1/4 c. ground flax seeds
1 c. mini-chips (semi-sweet)
1/2 c. chopped walnuts

Directions:

1) Preheat oven to 350, and spray 3 bread pans with "cooking spray with flour" (Baker's Joy or Crisco)

2) Mix butter, applesauce, sour cream and oil well. Add sugars and beat for a minute or two. Add eggs, bananas, and vanilla. Then add flours and baking soda, powder and salt. Don't over-mix at this point. Stir in mini-chips and nuts. Pour in even amounts into the pans and bake for 35-45 minutes until golden and toothpick comes out clean.

Mmmmm....

Did I Mention?

I think I forgot to mention in recent posts that Sophia's A1C was 6.3 last time. That's a great number! It was 8.9 when diagnosed, and the desired range for avoiding long-term body damage is between 5 and 7. So, I felt a sigh of relief that the ups and downs weren't as awful as I'd fretted they could be.

I try not to over-analyze every number, but when I'm the one who's in charge of keeping her from suffering from the side-effects of diabetes, I do feel responsible when her numbers are off.

I talked to a couple people from the clinic this week. They feel her current weird numbers are two things: One, she's going through a growth spurt, which can throw things off. Two, she's starting to show more rebounding.

What in the world does that mean, we all wonder???

Well, apparently as the pancreas is closer to fully calling it quits, it stops sending the right messages, and whenever her sugar drops below 70 the liver starts spitting out sugar. Since it's not getting messages from the pancreas, it doesn't know when to stop. Thus her numbers go from 45 to 465 in a matter of an hour or two. It's good to have an explanation and not feel so so much guilt. But, I can't help but wonder what this means. Will she always vacillate wildly like this? That feels so awful in her body. And it's awful to observe. I feel powerless.

Tear, tear...

Sniff, sniff...

Sigh.

She and I have had some sweet moments lately though. Lots of snuggles when we're trying to get her to come up or down. She has a beautiful soul, that girl.


I recently had one of those really bad days where the sad feelings were taking over. I did one of those things we probably all have done in our lifetimes, and questioned whether God really existed. Sorry, I hope that doesn't sound ridiculous to some. I said, "I don't mean to test You, but I really need to know that you care about my situation. I need you to give me a scripture that spells it out for me."

I laughed at myself afterword. This is why: I felt led to turn to Psalms.

First verse I see in Psalms:

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42:5

Attitude Adjustment Needed, or Maybe Just Chocolate

As an addendum to last night's post...ugh! So, like I was saying about the unpredictable nature of this disease, she was low most of the day yesterday, and continued to go low after given a snack of milk and animal crackers to bring her up. So, I gave her juice and 2 crackers with peanut butter (20 carbs...more fast-acting with the juice). She was 115 when she went to bed, and since she had been low all day, we decided to check her in the middle of the night. We tested at 12:30, and she was 465!!

Sigh...

So, she gets a shot in the middle of the night. Thank the Lord, I was able to wake her up enough to make some jokes with her and get her to understand that she needed to test and get a shot, without food to accompany. I said, "Can you imagine any other 5 year-old's getting up in the middle of the night and pricking their finger and getting a shot? You're a tough cookie!" She laughed.

I went to bed sad and confused. The corrections are just not easy to figure out. I am waiting for the Diabetes Center to call me and discuss the craziness of it all, so I can figure out if it was just a fluke of a day, or if I did something wrong with the insulin/carbs, etc.

We've had a super-busy week with errands, activities, doctor's appointments, parties, etc. So, I was looking forward to today with nothing to do and I could catch up the house. I woke up with the beginnings of a virus, and Norah and Jossie have been sick with one for over a week, and Sophia thought she was going to puke.

Waaaaaaaaa!!

Well, I wouldn't be sad if anyone just showed up at my door with Thin Mint cookies or Dark Chocolate truffles from Whole Foods.

Is that bad?

Oh well. We did have the rare pleasure of big soft snow-flakes falling today. Norah was THRILLED!! She calls it Gnow. We put on coats and hats and went outside and caught flakes on our tongues, and danced, and Sophia and Jossie had a fun make-believe world going, and we made a hop-scotch and all jumped. Then the yellow snot was all over their faces, and Momma had to make the call...Time to go in!!

Here are a few pics from today.

Highs and Lows

I think I could post one with that title every week.


Today it's not as much the emotional highs and lows as it is the physical ones she experiences. It's been a weird day. For the last week or so she's had a lot of numbers over 200 and 300. I started feeling like I wasn't paying enough attention and wasn't giving her enough insulin. So this week has been better, but today she went low (below 70) like 5 times! Every time requires extra carbs to bring her back up, and sometimes she'd continue to go lower. It's so dang confusing. Sometimes I give her like 10 carbs to correct a low and she'll shoot up over 200. Tonight I gave her 15 carbs and she dropped 20 more points. So, I had to give her 20 more carbs, and it brought her up to 115, which is high enough to send her to bed. However, not high enough for us to sleep all night without worrying. So, we get to set an alarm, or just go to bed really late on a night when we're already totally exhausted, and test her blood sugar again. That's never fun, as she usually can't wake up enough to put up with it and gets really angry, screams, cries, runs away from us, etc. Then when you ask her about it in the morning, she'll say, "Oh, you tested me last night?"

Are you serious? I'm thinking...


Most of the time we go through our days and nights with a lot of peace. Then there are days like today when we're reminded how unpredictable and very serious this disease is for her.


Yesterday I went to a coffee-talk with other moms of diabetics. There is also a young woman there who has Type I and works for JDRF. We had just gone to our first pump class, so I had a lot of questions for them about the different ones and which ones they were on. They also helped me feel like Sophia's sometimes irradic behavior is very normal. I met another mom with a kindergartener who said her daughter does very similar things. We talked about getting the girls together to play. I think it would do Sophie a world of good to meet another girl her age, plus this girl has a pump. So she could see what it's like.


The moms also helped me get a better understanding of how truly awful she feels a good portion of the time still. The woman with Type 1 gave some great descriptors for how it feels. Before her diagnosis, she was hanging out in the highs all of the time, so she was tired, and thirsty, and cranky. But now she vascilates between the highs and lows and feels those swings, and feels completely yucky on either end. They said that at as high as 250 (which she's often at) her blood is as thick as corn syrup and it feels like walking in sand. At the lows (below 70) it feels like that shaky, hungry, irrational feeling we get, except MUCH worse and more intense, often with sweating. Darn. Who wants to feel that way? It really stinks to think of her as feeling that way most of the time and trying to be a normal kid too.

It helped me have more compassion for her again. I've moved on to trying to be normal through all of this, and honestly have forgotten that she still feels bad, and hasn't necessarily just gotten used to the yucky feelings and can ignore them. At the same time, it really is confusing and a bit frustrating to know how to approach this information in the way of parenting. It's like, I still have to teach her that disrespectful or aggressive behavior is unacceptable in our house, yet, I need to try to get a larger measure of grace and more creative techniques for when she's high or low. I want her to cope, and feel like she's capable of making good choices. But, it's not as black and white as I'd like for it to be.

We'll be thinking on this one for a while....

5 Months and Counting

So, it's been 5 months since her Diagnosis (March 6th will be the date)! It feels like almost second-nature now, yet, was such an uphill battle for the first few months. I thought I'd share a little more about where we are and what day-to-day sometimes looks like. I hope it doesn't sound like complaints or redundancy, just a process.

As I've written before, the day-to-day details can be so overwhelming at first. I was afraid I seemed dramatic to people at times, that I was so concerned for her very life. I would hear, "Diabetes is manageable." Or, "I know someone with Diabetes...they're fine." Which was, well, the truth, yet not what I could talk about at the time. To say it's manageable sounded like it was easy to me. That may not have been the intention, but, it certainly isn't easy. There's never a day off, or a time you can just be lazy about it. Every morsel counts. When I have let her have a few extra carbs just because she wanted a little more and I didn't want to have to give her a shot, her blood-sugar has always been high later. So, it is not something that can be fooled around with or taken lightly.

To be clear, blood-sugar that is over 200 can begin to take it's toll on the body, attacking key organs, like the eyes and kidneys. A healthy child and adult tend to run between 70-120. A diabetic child should be between 80 and 180. The guessing game as to ratios (how much insulin per number of carbs for each meal), and figuring in whether she's exercising enough for her current blood-sugar, or too much, or should have a snack for that level of activity, gets exhausting at times. Factoring in mood swings: Is this just normal 5-year-old dramatic behavior? Is this high or low blood-sugar behavior? Is this grieving over her situation or outside circumstances? Yeah those are fun questions to answer.

Another struggle is not feeling like we have much freedom to leave her with anyone. 3 small children is a large enough load on any given babysitter. We have let our favorite teen-sitter watch her for a couple of hours where no shots were needed. I also dropped her off at our co-op one day when I needed to take Norah to the Dr., and one of the mom's who's a nurse gave her the lunchtime shot and all went well. So that felt good. But, suffice it to say, it's not a quick learning-curve for any of us. The other day I had to leave Joe with all of the girls while I helped with a baby shower and was gone several hours. He had to feed them lunch, and take them to a birthday party and figure out carbs on cake cones and give appropriate shots. He's not afraid to do any of it and is more than happy, but had to call several times to make sure he had all of the correct assumptions and ratios. He was wonderful, and I was grateful for the morning away, but it solidified that even 4 months alongside this process, can still make him feel very uncertain about what's "right." So, it's hard to imagine in the near future having much time away. Before October 6th, we had planned on taking a trip for our 10-year anniversary this coming October, but for now are hoping to take a family trip instead.

Don't hear that as a complaint. I'm very happy to be taking care of Sophia and I have peace about her future. It's not a forever sentence that we won't go away alone. We're very content with a family vacation for our anniversary, it would be a true reward. Even that seemed impossible a few months ago. We couldn't imagine all of the eating out and the planning it would take. I hear life gets easier on a pump, which she should go on in another month. The pump automatically dispenses the insulin in very exact amounts, and the injection site is changed every few days, but she won't need daily shots (for the most part). I've watched a friend of ours on the pump, and you don't even notice when he's dispensing insulin, and he's of course been estimating carbs for most of his life, so it's much easier to guess. It is astonishing to see him guess so easily. We still have a long way to go to be where he is, but he's got about 20 years on us.

The other aspect that I've barely mentioned, which contributed to the "uphill battle", was the extreme angry behavior that she had. I couldn't even talk about it for a while, but in case this ever helps someone someday, I think I can now. She was traumatized by it all, I believe. For the first few weeks we treated her like she was sick, which in our house means lots of pampering and tv time, and no schedule, and "you're the special one." Then I suddenly realized I couldn't obsess over her every moment of the day and had to get back to "normal." I couldn't let the other girls think Sophia's needs always trump their's. We couldn't watch that much tv. And we needed to stop letting her think of herself as "sick." Now, she is definitely brave, and a superhero, but sick is not how I want her to view herself.

So, Momma turned off the tv, and put limits on our behavior and started holding her accountable again. (Oh that was the other thing, she was getting away with everything, because I thought maybe she couldn't help it all because of her blood sugars). Now there may be some truth to the fact that it is much harder to control anger and irrational behavior and feelings when your blood-sugar is rapidly changing. However, we had to teach her to cope, and to believe in her ability to "help it." Because, if I heard "I can't help it!!" one more time, I was going to have to quit my job. Just kidding.

All that to preface the fact that Sophie didn't react well to the changes for a couple of months. She started using physical force against me, and saying I hate you! (Which, I really didn't think I'd hear until she was at least 13!). She was suffice it to say, out of control for most of the day every day for a couple of months. It was depressing. I could barely talk about it. Most people with kids my age could not relate. Well, most 5 year-olds are not struggling with their behavior that much, so I understand. But, I felt so alone. Joe and I would just beat ourselves up every night trying to figure out what we were doing wrong.

A lot has changed since then, and I'm happy to say it is MUCH better. Some of it was definitely us. We were ready to put our family in counseling. It's not a bad thing to do (I mean come on, I am a counselor, I should be supportive of such a measure). But, I really didn't need one more appointment, expense, or thing to put Sophia through. I didn't want to have to explain to her that we needed to go yet another "doctor" to help her, because now we just couldn't handle her. Anyway, one night we watched a parenting help DVD and there was this one key line that said, "Good feelings don't bring about the good behavior, it's the good behavior that brings about the good feelings in kids." In other words, just making them talk about it in a counseling session isn't what was going to make her better. Helping her find solutions to her behavior and owning her decisions, and accepting limits would bring about happier feelings. All I can say is, my attitude changed, my approach changed, and she quickly responded to the limits, and her emotions improved.

Sound over-simplified? Maybe it is. Nothing is ever that simple. You know we were praying...a lot! Desperately seeking God's face and His will for Sophia and for our family. And I absolutely believe there was a battle there. She was a key player in the improvement. She prays. She asks Jesus to help her on her own. And I believe, with God's help, she's learning to not be a victim in life. We have some deep conversations for her age. She knows that she can't feel sorry for herself because she has diabetes. Now, sometimes she complains about the finger-pricks or shots hurting, and we let her. We acknowledge that it sucks. I would seriously be struggling with feeling much more sorry for myself than she does, I know. But, I quickly realized as we were walking this thing out that for one thing, the world doesn't understand diabetes and what it means. For another thing, they aren't going to treat you special just because you're different or you have this challenging disease. So, we've been helping her and ourselves change our attitudes. We can't be victims. We have to enjoy life.

Let me leave room to still complain in the future...I know I'm good at that, and we have to use our gifts. But, in the meantime, I'm going to try to control my attitude and help my family do the same. Feeling sorry for ourselves just doesn't work. There are too many people who need our help in this world.

The high notes: She's reading REALLY well (I can brag right?), and she's enjoying ballet and growing in her confidence and grace. She has friends that are 8!! Two exclamation points, because that makes her feel soooo cool. And she has 2 sisters who really enjoy and adore her now. Norah has a new name for her since Sophia's not so easy to say, it's "Go-Go." Sometimes I look at her and can't believe she's already 5, and other times I can't believe she's only five because of her immense maturity.

Jossie and Norah have a ton of fun stuff they're doing too, but I've written so much on this one, I think I'll call it good for now. I know some people have wanted an update. I actually started writing this about 3 weeks ago, but didn't have the free space to really think it through til tonight.

Life is fun.

And They Lived Happily Every After

This story isn't actually about Joe and I, though we are doing our best to live "happily ever after." I just thought the pic went well with the title, and this is from Joe's birthday dinner recently.

I'm homeschooling the girls...well mostly Sophia at this point. Jossie joins us for a little of the learning, and then heads to go play before long. (Totally fine, that's what she should be doing). I still am mastering the art of a daily routine to stick with...it's so against my nature, so we'll see if I ever make that happen. We really just didn't do much schooling after Sophia's diagnosis. Dealing with diabetes ended up taking up so much of my mental space, as well as my time, that I had to set a goal for January. The beauty of homeschool, is I can do that. I can continue to educate her over the summer if I want to, or whenever works for us.

I feel like I got into this because I had no other options, and now I'm starting to embrace it as something that is really good for our family. There is a ton of support in Oklahoma, because it's one of the easiest states in which to homeschool. So, I know several moms and there are a lot of co-ops, and support groups, resources for when they're older, homeschool sports and gyms, etc. I'm starting to see where the more my kids are with me, the better they are in social settings, not worse as the assumption is often made about homeschoolers. For my kids who tend to be shy, I think it's because there is less pressure and stress, and more direct training of character on a consistent basis, and therefore it's easier to be confident and be themselves when they're around others. It's still a work in progress, but aren't we all?

It has definitely gotten easier since we started again. I know it has so much to do with her body feeling better. In September, she just complained of being "too tired" every day. I thought she was just being gamey at the time, because she had a tendency to not want to do most things I told her to do. But, clearly she wasn't feeling well, because her diagnosis was October 6th. She is such a different person today than she was just 4 months ago. I keep planning on writing about her progress, but I want a lot of time and mental space to focus on it, and haven't had the chance recently. Soon, I promise.

Anyway, I wanted to share the stories the girls had dictated for me to write the other day. This is one of the most rewarding aspects, is getting to first-hand observe them as they are learning new things, and to see their excitement for learning. Sophia told me last night, "Mommy, I love school. I love learning new things, and I want to do it every day now." I liked that. So, here is her story. We were learning about reminiscing in writing, so this is her version...Jossie's to follow.

I am older now, and when I was younger, I was a princess. But now that I am older, I am a queen. I remember once when I was a little princess I got a new pair of two dresses. And then I went to princess school in them. When I was playing at school, I wore it for a lot of days and for a while too. And then it got very, very dirty. And then one night it was ball night, and I awas going to dance with the prince. The prince really wanted me to dance with him. And then he saw the dress was very dirty and he said, " Are you the girl I wanted to marry?" And then me the princess said, "I'll go buy a new dress real, real quick." And then I got back and I got married at the dance and then we lived happily ever after.

The End.

Jossie's Story:

Once I was a princess. I loved to dance. And I lived in a home that was very small. And so one night I loved my Daddy and he was so handsome that I wanted to give him a big hug. And so one day he wanted to pick a flower for me. And so then I loved my mommy's shirt, it was so beautiful. And so my sister and I wanted to play ball catch. And so then my mommy got married. And then we lived happily ever after.

Dee End.

I scream "I'm Cheap!"

So, I don't spend a lot on myself. Tend to buy super-clearance clothes, Payless shoes, etc. I've found that cheap sunglasses are also best, especially since someone in the back seat always wants to borrow them, and they're either covered in fingerprints, or they're getting broken into multiple pieces. In fact, I just had to purchase new sunglasses due to Norah breaking them in half a couple of weeks ago.

This brings me to oh-so-embarrassing today.

I was rushing out the door to take the girls to gymnastics. They are in back-to-back classes. (Which only matters, because I was there for so long). So, I grabbed my never-worn shades and cut the tag off of them and threw them up on my head. Got in the car and started driving, but since it was cloudy out, I never pulled them down over my eyes and forgot they were up there.

So, over two hours later, I get home and look in the mirror. I not only realize that I had left my shades on my head, but that I had also left the $5.99 sticker on the eye piece. So that's what you see when you see me and my sunglasses staring at you. I talked to several of the moms, and coaches, and receptionist. Did anyone mention my price tag? Nope!

So there. Now you know too. I'm cheap!

Bleck!

How do I let these things happen? I blame it on being tired from staying up past midnight.

I was sitting at the computer tonight and Norah wandered off. Joe asked where she was, and I facetiously said, "probably playing in the toilet." To which Sophie said, "I'll go look for her."

"Nope, not in the front bathroom."

"Look in the other one," says Mom.

Moment later: Sophie comes running back giggling, "Oh my gosh! She totally has her hands in the toilet and is putting her hands up to her mouth like this and is drinking the water out of it!"

Screaming in my head!!! Screaming in my head!!!

I of course bolt in there to discover her also giggling as she's scooping toilet water into her mouth.

The only thing that saves the complete grossness factor is that at least no potty was left in the potty, and Joe said, "Oh, I even double-flushed last time!"

Good. Now I feel so much better.

Joe's Advent Words

I could do some whining about Sophie and Jossie having a stomach bug...again, but I think it would be more beneficial for me to post a note Joe wrote to a friend. I found it deeply meaningful and profound (if I do say so).

I will not pretend that Anj and I have suffered nearly as much as other families that we know. However, our recent experience with Sophia has been coming to a poignant climax during this Advent.

I had thought through my own response to bad news like a serious diagnosis in my own life. I had a carefully planned heroism all worked out. It was fueled by my own critiques of lots of other people and how they had worked through things both well and poorly. When the monster of disease came to my house however, I was not prepared for it to come for my 5 year old girl. I was completely without a plan. I have been left only to watch in awe as she wrestles with things that have bested many older and wiser than her.

She has struggled with behavior problems, she has had a lot of questions and comments about death, she is constantly reminded of her own and everyone else's mortality. She was always a melancholy and a bit of a mini-philosopher. Now she actually wrestles with questions like mortality and the goodness of God. We have begun to teach her about spiritual warfare and standing against thoughts from the enemy. Not something you normally teach at 5. She didn’t pick the fight though.

As children, we are infinite as far as we know. We can hardly conceive of our own ending. Until something happens which introduces life-threatening trauma to a child. Suddenly, their infinity is limited and they are faced with their own frailty.

Here is the amazing thing. From my own vantage point, I can see that this "limiting" disease has caused Sophia's spirit to sprout wings like never before. She has a familiarity with Christ that I have not found in some adults. She does not question God's goodness or fairness. She says (direct quote), "I know Jesus can heal me, but if He doesn't yet, I'll still just trust Him anyway. He knows what to do." I didn't coach one word of that.

There is something of the Incarnation in this thing she is going through. Christ chose to leave His invincibility, to take on vulnerability that we might follow Him to immortality again.

When we refuse the unfairness of the world and live with “happy-faith vision” we stand and watch the dying Christ. Not participating, but wondering what He did to get Himself crucified; how His faith must have faltered somehow.

When we “face the pain” we take up our cross and, in partaking of our own vulnerability, we partake in some of the death of Christ. Here is the deep magic though: because it is the death of Christ at work in us, our wounds are imbued with the hope of resurrection. Our wounds are no longer the senseless, unfair, and hopeless curse that they are to the rest of the world.

Appropriately, at Christmas I find myself following a child through this journey. John Milton wrote in his work about the Nativity that every worshipped demon and false god felt “The dreaded infant’s hand” from the moment of His birth. Even the babe in the manger was threatening to their kingdoms.

The other day, I was in the kitchen making drinks for dinner. Sophia and Jossie were at the table starting their dinner. Sophia decided to take it upon herself to pray before the meal. I overheard her prayer: “Jesus you are SOO big and you are always with us. Jesus you are just so good to us and you love us and you are so strong. Thanks for being so good.” This was not our normal prayer, this was straight unadulterated worship from a tested soul – at the age of 5.

It hit me like a punch in the stomach, brought tears to my eyes and I stopped pouring drinks. I heard the Holy Spirit say this: “That is the sound of giants falling in the spirit. The evil one will rue the day he ever picked a fight with that one.” The Holy Spirit was cheering on my 5 year old in her own battle.

There are still lots of things that are hard about it, but the deep magic has started to take hold. In her strong moments, Sophia has even started to relish the battle. The wounds of Christ have made her wounds mean something.

After watching her, I echo your call:

Face the pain.

Embrace the cross.

Let the death come.

Let the Christ child be born in you again.

Smile, and do it again tomorrow.

Still Here

We're still here and making it.

Christmas preparations have such a way of taking every bit of mental energy from us, yet it is not what is supposed to be for this season.

Trying desperately to maintain that appreciation and awe of a very special "Silent Night." And, not just worry about if we've bought the right gifts.

How to teach the kids the art of celebration and relaxing, as well as putting others first. Ahh...the pressures of a parent! :-)

More on life later. Much too tired tonight, but haven't completely forgotten the blog.

Not to jump the gun, as they say...

It seems we've had a much better weekend. I hate to speak too soon and assume it's all behind us, as weekends are usually easier with two of us tackling the parental duties. We've had a few outside inputs (as in teachings, conversations, etc.) and they gave us enough inspiration to really be clear with the girlies on what we were expecting, consequences they could expect, praise, rewards, etc. I feel like we usually are clear, but maybe we've put it in a fresh way that they are responding to. Maybe it's just a fluke (I sure hope not), but good behavior definitely feels good right now.

We've had some cute moments this weekend.

We went to a square dance last night. It was in a barn in the country. And when we got out of our car, Sophia looked up at the sky and said, "What are all of those flashing lights? Are they all planes, or something?" I laughed. "No, Honey, those are called stars." City folks we are, I guess. Of course it's not like we're outside during the nightime much with them. She had a great time at the dance. And even started to do better about responding to adults who talk to her, without just looking away.

Jossie had a great time at the dance too; couldn't stop dancing and twirling all the way to the car. Jossie also bonked her head a dozen times at least this weekend. That isn't actually news, just one of those funny facts about her. She can't walk through a doorway without hitting one side of it, or running into the doorknob. She can't watch a movie without walking on the couch or wiggling and eventually falling off of her chair. This morning we were all loudly singing Christmas carols, and she hushed us all so we could hear her song that she was making up, "Quiet! I want you to hear my song!" "Holy Spirit," (Sang very loudly and emphatically, then takes a very deep breath...very serious face here too) "In the Manger!" "Ok, that's all. I'm going to go sing it for Daddy in the shower now."

The other day, I was needing a snuggle moment, so I was laying on her floor, and I pulled her to me and we were both staring at the clouds painted on the ceiling. I said with deep meaning in my voice and heart, "Sometime, Mommy wants to go lay on a grassy hill and look at real clouds with you. Just you and me." (Expecting a meaningful reply here...) "OK Mommy. Can I go now?" She's a stitch.

Norah has been so sweet and fun too. She's starting to enjoy cleaning up her messes. She likes to get a sticker on her hand for helping to pick up her toys. She also really wants to be included in anything her big sissies do. She loves to hold babies, which she's good at calling "Baby." And she even is trying to figure out this "lotion world" thing that Jossie does. She has been giving a lot of real kisses too. She has an Elmo book that asks for a kiss at the end, and she gets the biggest smile and kisses him several times. I love it.

Well, I just wanted to share a few sweeter moments from this weekend.

We've had some very sweet prayers, comments, and support from friends and loved ones. Thank you as always!

Refiner's Fire

I've felt compelled to write for a while, but have been unsure what to say.


On the one hand, Diabetes is getting easier to manage. Sophia's blood-sugars have been in a decent range. She's occasionally low, and very rarely over 200. That's the really good news, and answered prayers that her body is responding as it should.


Going places, like her Wednesday co-op school has gotten less stressful. I feel OK about her missing the classroom snack, or giving her a shot to eat it. The first day back, I choked back tears, because I felt it just wasn't fair. But, she likes the attention the shot gives her, and so it's worth it to get one for a snack, it seems. Plus, who wants 12 goldfish crackers, when you could have a blueberry muffin like everyone else? She's getting some affirmation from the parents and peers there too, so that helps.


On the flip side, her behavior has been off-the-charts bad. I won't go into details, because I don't want to embarrass her or uncover her (not that she's reading this, but in principle). She's still an amazing soul, but I feel she's in the anger stage of grief, and is a bit stuck. It's been a little depressing, thus the writer's block. It's something I thought was just blood-sugar related (and it can be at times), but it's also just sheer anger, and her need to control. I don't even want to write about this, because I earnestly desire to be back to happy days, and funny stories.

It makes me realize how judgmental I was. Here I am, a trained counselor, and yet somehow, I held on to this belief that the kids who acted naughty were not given enough direction, love, discipline, etc. at home. I also believed that I would have kids, and I would love them, and guide them, and they would act REALLY good all of the time (or at least always in public, and usually at home). A visiting pastor recently said , "It's amazing how you can have zero kids and 5 theories on how to raise them right, and then you have 5 kids and you have zero theories!" I laughed. Yep! That's me! What's worse, is you can be a supposed counselor and think you have a lot of tricks in the bag......sigh. I also, thankfully, have this sweet friend who had two very well-behaved kiddos, and said she used to think "Look what I've done. I've made them this way." (totally paraphrasing), and then she had her third, who is very strong-willed and realized, "Oh! They just come out this way."

We can only beat ourselves up so much, bottom line. We pray. And then we pray some more. Then, when we are totally worn out and confused, we, well, we pray some more. And that's not to sound religious at all, we just truly can't lean on our own understanding. We cannot figure this stuff out alone. We're learning some ways to get better at communicating with our kids. We're learning things that seem so basic, like, we should be more affectionate (Joe and I) in front of the kids. That may seem silly or like a No-Duh!, but we honestly were every evening in this rut of just surviving until their bedtime, and then we can have quality time and relax. But, we were reminded by a friend married for over 50 years, that our children's security and understanding of healthy marriage is by what they're observing now.

We're trying to teach Sophie how to pray too. She's starting to understand that Jesus can help her. She's not alone in conquering these angry feelings. I never thought I'd be teaching my 5 year-old about how she chooses her thoughts, behaviors, consequences. But, also, how much I'd be teaching her about the spiritual side, like how to take control with the Lord's help. We're not alone in these battles, and the sooner she recognizes that, the better. Phew! It's a lot to swallow though!!

And don't let me fool you into thinking we haven't made some poor choices, or downright embarrassed ourselves at times...we have. Joe and I too, have our temper tantrums and look ridiculous in public at times. Humility....we're getting some. And we've been able to model to our kids how to own-up and accept responsibility for our choices. Good times!

Refiner's Fire! We're in it! Thank God we're considered worthy of refining. So much to learn still, but hoping to come out looking like gold, or at least a nice shiny penny!

Fophia

An older cute story... (Pic of Sophie when almost 2)

When Sophia was about two, she couldn't say the first 'S' in her name. Joe decided to mess with her about it one day.

He said, "What's your name?"

Sophie: "Fophia Belle."

Joe: "Fophia Belle?"

Sophie: "No, Fophia Belle."

Joe: "OH...Fophia Belle."

Sophie, getting a little more angry and frantic," No! I said, Fophia Belle!"

Joe: "That's what I said, Fophia Belle!"

Sophie: "NO! It's FoPHIA Belle!!!" (yelling)

Joe: "OH, Sophia Belle?"

Sophie: "YES! Fophia Belle."

Joe: "OH, OK."