Sweetly Broken

The verse from this song really stood out to me for a number of reasons today:

At the Cross You beckon me,

You draw me gently to my knees,

And I am lost for words, 

So lost in love,

I am sweetly broken

Wholly surrendered.

I hope to stay sweetly broken throughout life.  I really don't like struggles and trials.  Who does?   But, I am convinced that in pain and struggles if we're willing, we'll notice that "gently" we are drawn to our knees, and "sweetly" we are broken of our ugliness inside.  And then how easy and pleasing it is to be "wholly surrendered."  

Sigh...

Where have I been lately?  

In some struggles, I guess.  It's hard to be open and not totally pessimistic in the throws of struggle.  It doesn't really matter what those struggles are, because if we're honest, we all have them.  And sometimes I want to throw my hands up at God and yell, "it isn't fair!"  Or, "Why me?  Why us?"  "Why not the goof I know who's still bragging about his wild parties and how 'priceless' his experience was at dropping $5000 on partying with 'friends'?"  

Oh, and then I get a bit into the struggle, and I remember that those sorts of questions are unnecessary.  God isn't picking on me.  He's God and He has a plan.  

And then I realize that when I am drawn gently to my knees, and all I can do is cling to the promises that His deep love fulfill on the cross, I am so thankful He doesn't let me go.  It is so easy to have an easy ride in life, and when that happens, it is so easy to be caught up in what our culture thinks is important...and not be satisfied with simplicity.  And not even feel a need to be relying on God.  When life is easy, we simply drift. 

I don't want to be a drifter.  I want to stay ever-mindful of my utter dependence on Him. I don't like struggles, but I do like the closeness to my loving Father that I get when I realize I can't handle the struggle on my own, and getting angry and bitter isn't working, so surrender is my only peace.

And sometimes in those moments, if I'm careful to notice His handiwork, I can see beauty in the simple things of life...and I lose the focus on my own self-pity.

I find I really like things like:

Fresh from my garden tomatoes and basil....mmmmm....

My girls giggling uncontrollably.

Jossie grabbing my face and saying, "Mommy, the best gift I can give you that is so special to your heart is my kisses and hugs...so come here!"  (And then laying them on me of course).

My hubby putting the kids to bed and singing them songs, and not complaining about how tired he is...

Homemade bread (And OK,  I'm pregnant here, so a lot of these are definitely food related.)

Sophie saying the sweetest and most heart-felt prayers.

Norah saying, "I'm big now, I can say "band-aid" instead of "bain-bain."  (OK, that makes me sad when she corrects her own baby talk).  

Friends showing up to help me clean, or organize...just because they love me.  

And then sometimes I get reality checks by looking at the rest of the world, and putting my "suffering" and "struggles" in perspective.  Because even in my most uncomfortable moments, they tend to pale in comparison to the real pain in much of the impoverished world.  It doesn't change that I may be in pain, but it does help me to get some perspective.

As I look at those around me, even people like the guy I mentioned earlier, I realize that as we understand each other's stories, we have so much more compassion and love for people.  And their weird behavior is often explained by their pain.  I don't know what his pain is.  But, I know you can't find true happiness in pretend friends and dropping wads of money on a lake weekend, and so I know that there has to be some pain he is trying to medicate with "fun."  And I don't want to envy his "easy life."

So often I find that when people have quirks or even bad choices I want to judge, that when I understand their deeper pain, I am a lot less likely to judge.

We all have stories.  We all have pain.

Oh, but for the grace of God.  Without it we have nothing.  No hope.  

But with the grace, comes hope, faith, and love.   

And so in struggles, I think it is so important to cling to God and to not isolate, but to spend time with others. When we understand their struggles, it helps us in ours, and being vulnerable about our struggles with healthy people, is a necessary thing.  I believe God intends for it really.  

Thank you God for the peace and fulfillment that comes from being sweetly broken.

Name Meanings

We love picking names based on meanings.  We also love names that are less popular, classic, etc.  Though, many people must feel the same way, because Sophia has been one of the most popular names I've ever heard since she was born (though we'd never heard it anywhere before she was born...seriously).  And now we're seeing Norah pop up everywhere, which I thought was surely a safe and little-used name.  Oh well.

Back to meanings. 

Sophia Belle means Wisdom and Beauty.

Josselyn Rose means Full of Joy and Rose is a family name, but I think it's the most beautiful flower.

Norah Eve means Honor and Life.

I'm having a hard time with names this time around.  A lot of the cute boy names, just don't have meanings, other than things like "Of the field." or whatever.  And I think their names are so significant.  As Joe often says, it's like we get to be a part of putting the final brush stroke on part of God's creation when He allows us the opportunity to name our sweet babies.  In history and in the Bible, names were very carefully selected according to what the parents wanted to see in their children, or other reasons as well.  Point being, names were important...the meanings were important.

The last two days I've been cracking up about something.  See, whenever people comment on my unusual name, I just say, "Oh my parents hadn't come up with a name for 3 days after I was born.  They had to name me to leave the hospital, so they opened the T.V. guide and there was this actress named Anjanette Comer listed in there, and they thought that was a lovely name, and voila! I have a name."  And that's basically the story I was told.  Most people haven't heard of my name, but I have actually met close to 10 different Anjanette's.  They're always spelled the same way, and we're always about the same age.

But, when looking for names on-line for the last 7 years, I've often been shocked at the crazy and sometimes ridiculous names that are recognized on these sights.  A few years ago, there was seriously the name: Humvee listed on there.  It won't be shocking that it was American in origin, I'm sure.  And there have been several other equally indulgent names I've seen on there as well.  

And, I've always been frustrated that my name, which isn't that crazy sounding (after all, it is a combination of Ann and Jeanette) is never even seen as a "real" name on these websites.  

Until Now!

I was searching on BabyNames.com and typed my name in, just out of curiosity.  And, it popped up!  Not only that, but it had a real meaning: God is Gracious.  That was Saturday night.  I was so happy.  Not only was it not a never-heard of name, they actually knew it was most popular in 1971 (by the time she was in the tv guide, must have been 1975!).  And they had a real meaning for my name.  I suddenly felt like my accidental name had meaning, even if my parents hadn't realized it at the time.  And to be a person who knows without a doubt that God is Gracious, and actually have my name mean that...wow!

Then, tonight, I found this other website called Unique Baby Names.  I wasn't searching for my name anymore, but was just typing in meanings that I like, to see what names come up.  So, I had typed in a few different meanings, then typed in Gift of God. Guess what the first name was that popped up on the list?  Anjanette!!  It had it listed as the meaning: Gift of God's Favor.  

Sweet.  

Seriously, I feel special.  

I like it so much, I might name my daughter: Anjanette, Jr.  

OK, I wouldn't really do that.

Suicidal Fish and Buzzy Fingers

So, we started off the day like any Sunday, getting ready for church.  

Jossie and Norah were in their room playing on the floor, when all of a sudden I hear Jossie yell, "There's a fish on the floor!!"

Well that can't be good.

We have these two goldfish and a beta.  I like them, because they are soooo low-maintenance.  But, they've been kind of funny for fish.  We call them dog-fish, because when you walk into the room they literally wag their tails, and bump up against the glass trying to get our attention so we'll feed them.  They'll even follow you to the other side of the tank when you walk across the room.  Occasionally they get so excited that one will make a splash at the top of the tank.  

Well, apparently the splash went too far this time.  I have no idea when it happened, because when I ran into the room, he was laying perfectly still in the middle of the carpet. We all huddled around staring at him in amazement that there he was...in the middle of the carpet.  Then Sophia came into the room and started crying and ran off, because she realized it was her fish (who coincidentally doesn't even have a solid name...for a fish that we're so emotionally attached to.  But, that's beside the point). 

I was contemplating how beneficial his dead body would be to my garden.  Though of course I didn't mention it in a cold-hearted manner.  I leaned closer and noticed his big gill moving ever-so-slightly.  I said with caution, "I think he may still be alive."  I knew I had to act fast.  This was my first attempt at any CPR, much less fish CPR. So, I picked him up by the tail...and let me say he was pretty sticky and stiff, so I wasn't holding out much hope. I plopped him in the tank, and rubbed his sides a little...hoping to un-sticky him and get the air flowing or something.  Seriously, I had no idea, but I had a little hope.  

In a moment he started moving his fins a little.  He was still pretty much belly-up at this point, but hey, he was showing a bit of life.  I excitedly, but hesitantly told the girls he might just make it...and then again, he might not.  I sprinkled a little food over by him hoping that would excite him into alertness, since he's been such a big fan of the stinky flakes his long life.  We all had to resume getting ready for church.  But, before we left, we noticed he was actually swimming.

He's changed a bit.  Like maybe he's got a wee bit of brain damage.  He's definitely swimming, but no banging on the tank for our attention, and it's taking him quite a while to notice the flakes above.

Crazy Fish!!

Joe's decided that he's not necessarily "alive," but more like "undead."  

Cue the creepy Twilight Zone music...

Fish stories aside...this afternoon, we were at the mall.  Jossie and Norah and I were getting some ice cream when Jossie notices that two of her fingers are tingly and asleep.  She says, "Mommy, my fingers are buzzy."  I said, "Yeah?  They're probably just asleep.  It happens sometimes.  You let me know if it keeps up for a few days or something."  Don't ask me why, but maybe it's something a mom should be concerned with?? I don't know.  

Anyway, so a moment of silence goes by (and if you know Jossie, there really are only a few milliseconds of silence in her life), and she exclaims, "OH MAAAAAAN!  Those were my favorite two fingers!!"

I love that girl!  Who else would have favorite fingers?

A Tail of a Tale

So, we're all girls around here...all but Joe of course. 

Needless to say, the girls don't really know about what makes a boy "different."  

So, I was babysitting the other day and Norah was in the room when I was changing the diaper of a little friend.  

She looks at him and gaffs a bit.  She says, "Ha.  Mommy, look at him's bottom.  He has a tail."  

I'll leave it at that. 

Pink or Blue?

We don't know.

And by we,  I maybe just mean me.

We had our ultrasound yesterday, and told the doctor we were going for a surprise.  My mother-in-law was there and said, "If you need to pull me in the hall to tell me, that's ok."  I shouted, "NO!  She can't keep a surprise!!"  She smiled...knowing it was true.

But, though I am really excited about finding out in the moment, I totally would have loved "accidentally" figuring it out yesterday.  The girls were with us, and he had the screen tilted to where they could see it much better than I could. So, I definitely didn't figure anything out.  The girls were really enjoying trying to see things, they all saw the head, back and heart beating really well.  I loved watching their faces.  

The nurse asked them what they wanted, and Sophia said quietly, "A brother."  But then I asked, "What do you think the baby is?"  Sophia with a sheepish grin:  "A girl."  

Norah was rubbing my belly the other day and said, "Your baby in here?  Where's her bow at?"  I said, "they don't come out with bows on, you have to put those on."  She looks at me with that, aww, poor Mommy just doesn't understand look, and says, "Silly goose, yes she does.  Now is her bow up here??"  I said, "Sure."  

Now, though we didn't find out, I'm not convinced that Joe doesn't know.

I couldn't see the screen when the doctor said, "Look away and I'll get an idea real quick."  And I knew Joe would definitely NOT look away.  So I was harassing him and watching his face.  He got a definite impression one way or another.  I couldn't decide if his face was the hiding the excitement face or the slightly disappointed look.  I gave severe guilt-trips about lying to his wife in the car ride home.  He swears he doesn't know and that if he had an inkling of an idea, it was Girl.  But, he also told me before the ultrasound that I'd never know the answer if he figured it out.  

He's kind of a butt that way.  

Oops.  Did I say that?  

Joe's mom had a feeling, and I know she couldn't tell anything by sight, because she didn't even see the head when it was a big round circle.  But, she felt, based on how quickly the doctor said, "OK, I think I have a good idea." that it was a boy.  

Who knows???  Well, maybe Joe.

I know we'll both be fine with another girl.  We love our girls.  They are each unique, sweet, funny, and precious.  And girlie...oh so girlie. 

But some days, when the drama is thick, the whining's intense, and the tears are rolling....I can't help but wonder if our house would change some with a rowdy, messy, stinky boy.  

Our baby's healthy.  Thank God.  

And that's all that really matters.

Enough with the Serious

OK, I had to get those last two posts out, but I still want this blog to be about the funny and sweet moments...as often as I have brain space to put them out there.

Let's see:  

Norah:  (Hers are a little gross...you are forewarned).  We've been potty-training and it's going 90% well with the pee-pees.  1% well with poops.  Which means, she either puts a pull-up on and poops when needed (on her own), or she stool hoards (seriously...she's pretty constipated from this), or she poops in her panties, which on one lucky day for me happened twice!  Yippee!!  So, on that day, I hear Jossie yell from the office, "Mommy!  Norah has poop on her finger and is wiping it on the computer!!"  Wish I were kidding.  

At least it was on the screen...easy to remove and disinfect.  

Then tonight, she's been sick with a virus of some sort; high fevers, a little snot/cough.  So, she was walking by me licking her lip and I notice the glisten of snot, and I say, "Do you want me to wipe your nose?"  Norah: "No" (still licking).  Me: "Tasty?"  Norah:  "I like to lick it."  And away she went outside.  

Sorry if these are just gross to you.  I find them amusing, but I'm a body-humor amused sort of gal.

One that isn't gross:  We went swimming at a hotel pool with Joe's parents one night.  The girls did  good.  Norah was very brave for her young age and wanted to swim on her own the whole time (with a life-jacket on, of course!).  We were leaving in the car later and she said in a happy voice, "That was a lot of fun."  Then she sighs contentedly and says, "I'm so glad I din't go down the dwain!"  We laughed.  Like, how long had she been thinking of that possibility while swimming?  

Jossie:  At the girls' school, they do weekly presentations in their classes.  For Sophie, they are a specific topic each week, and Jossie's class is show and tell each week.  So, one week, Sophia had to discuss what she wanted to be when she grows up.  Jossie says, "No fair!  Why can't we do that?"  I said, "Well, yours is show-and-tell, but you could bring something that represents what you want to be when you grow up."  She got so excited and yelled, "OK!!"  She ran into her room and excitedly emerged about 30 seconds later and said, "I want to be a spy when I grow up.  I'm going to show them my super spy eye!"  She used her fingers to spread wide her eyelids on one of her eyes.  "I use my spy eye to see through people!"  

Oh, you've got to love her.  She is so funny and creative in the things she says.  I just crack up at her sense of humor.

For Easter, Jossie got an "I Spy" book in her basket.  It's about finding hidden pictures, basically.  She was thrilled!  "How did the Easter Bunny know I wanted to be a spy when I grow up?"  smile.

Sophia: She's so sweet sometimes.  She can laugh at things, but she's definitely more of a melancholy by nature.  She thinks deeply about everything and needs to know an answer about EVERYTHING.  I joke with her that she's still in the "Why? Why?" stage.  I won't lie, it's exhausting sometimes, but I'm thankful for her inquisitive nature.  She's very sweet-spirited too.  She always wants to do something for somebody.  "Mommy, PLEASE can we go bring cookies to the neighbor ladies?" 

After the Haiti earthquake she wanted to do something.  So, she decided to get a few of her friends together and put on a Cinderella play in our living room that was a fundraiser.  Joe's parents and Grandma Reta came, and the parents of the friends came, and they all gave money.  It was a cute little play for throwing it together very last-minute.  And, she raised $75 that our church gave to medical missions teams going to Haiti!  I thought it was so sweet.

Then, the other day, I overheard her talking to a friend.  She was saying that we do have a heart that beats and pumps blood, but that's not the same " heart" as our spirit/soul.  She says, "Our spirit is what knows God and loves God, and it's our spirit that gets to go to Heaven."  I kind of dismissed it as "cute" until today in worship when I started thinking of the significance of a 6-year-old having this deep knowing that she has a spirit and that her spirit loves Jesus and is redeemed.  She already has a bit of understanding about her being forgiven and deeply loved by God no matter what she does or goes through in life.  It made me cry and realize how special it is to know and receive God at such an early age.  

When Children Become Angels

Sorry in advance.  You probably don't want to read this, but I can barely breathe tonight, so I have to journal it out and whomever reads...well...I don't know.

I know too many people who have lost their precious little ones.  It's one of the really wrong parts of our broken world, and it's just not something any mommy should ever have to go through.  

I was introduced to Sicily Zeka about 5 months ago by blog when a friend said I should read.  See, she's had an 18 month battle with cancer, and about 5 months ago her older sister was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  I know what a huge deal that is, but when you have another daughter who's battling for her life in the short-term, I guess it barely becomes a blip on the radar.  And so, my heart just went out to them. The reason they found out about the diabetes was because they had just been re-admitted to the hospital to find Sicily's cancer, that had been in remission, was back.  When the grandma was staying at the house with the other children, she noticed the older daughter getting up at night peeing often and was concerned: thus diabetes diagnosis.  Diabetes is this massive life-changing event for a family, but somehow God seriously carried them through to where it has been barely noticeable.  

Anyway, I don't read a lot of blogs, and really didn't want to read this one due to the sad nature, but my heart just went out to them with the combined struggles with their daughters.  The girls and I prayed daily.  Sophie could of course identify with the diabetes stress and we had another friend who has lived through this same cancer that Sicily had, and so we found it easy and sweet to pray as a family for this family.  Joe and I pleaded with God for a miracle, because we know He's good.  

A few weeks ago, they were in the hospital for more chemo and found the cancer had spread everywhere and there was nothing to be done.  The family brought her home, accepted reality...believing for a miracle at the same time, and enjoyed the time they had left with her.  She was very tired and slept a lot in the last week or two, but still had much personality, like helping herself to her own drinks and saying, "I don't need any help."  Or just 2 days ago, her brother was sitting on the bed just watching her and feeling sad, and she opened her eyes and said, "stop staring, it's rude!"  And then last night as her mom was going to bed, she laid down beside her and noticed her breathing had suddenly changed and the end was near.  She picked her up and rocked her gently in the rocking chair, while her daddy told her peacefully that it was ok to go to Jesus now.  

And so she did....

And so I weep.

My girls caught me just as I had read the news.  They laughed, because kids don't know what to do with weeping mothers.  Norah kept asking "why'd she go die?"  I told her that we all die, and this sweetie was ready to be held by Jesus.  She said, "Oh.  Baby Jesus is cute."  

Sicily's mom has grown so much in the few months that I have read her blog.  She's gone from a woman with a background of faith from a liturgical side and who had a belief in God, to a woman who absolutely has felt carried by God and has a deep peace knowing Jesus is her strength and that Sicily's life has served a purpose in this short time by showing others that Jesus is the strength.

Sometimes I question why I read these things, and allow my heart to become so deeply attached to the outcome...someone I'd never met.  And though I think we could have an easier life not thinking about the deep pain others experience, I think we do the world a disservice by just being cozy and unaware or uncaring.  I have wept so much over the loss of this little one in the last 2 days and have even been a little depressed and distant.  She's only 6 weeks older than Jossie.  So, it's hard not to truly relate to the depth of their loss.

After she died and they had all taken turns holding her little body one last time, her mom laid her on the bed while waiting for the funeral home, and painted her finger and toenails.  Then her dad didn't want her taken out on a gurney and so he wrapped her in a Hello Kitty blanket and carried her little body out to the car.

Oh...how can I not cry?

And so I find myself really holding my babies close these last 2 days.  I find that I'm not as angry with their antics these last 2 days.  And I find I want to make my moments count with them. I want my words to be loving.  I want my tone to be gentle.  I want to express respect for them.  I want to bless them, and pray for them.  And I find myself staring at them when they're sleeping, praying for their protection and thanking God that they are in my life.

If you click on Sicily's name at the beginning of this post, it will link you to her mom's beautiful blog.  It's sad, but precious to see the transformation in a woman and a family.

Here are links to some others as well.

The first one is Joe's sister Christy's blog about the loss of her baby Phoenix.
The next one is a friend of Joe's.  They worked together at Hillcrest and they had a sweet boy with a very rare form of dwarfism.  His name was Mitchell Cupps
This one is a new friend that we go to Classical Conversations with on Fridays.  She has lost 2 of her 5 sons to a rare heart disorder, and her faith and real strength in the struggle is amazing.  Please read her journey here.

I wish those were the only ones we had to share, but like I said, we know too many angels.  I'll leave it at those, however.

Now, I don't include these links to depress anyone.  I think their stories are beautiful.  And I support their mommies and daddies desires to have their child's name not be forgotten.  To make the name of their child, the life of their child, to be significant to someone.  That their child will make a difference, inspire, encourage and bless you, even as their spirits reside with our precious Jesus.

The common theme with these blogs is one of inspiration.  The parents have been through the trenches with their faith and have come out on the other side with incredible trust in God.  They grieve.  As they should.  But, they know they are held by the Savior.  They know that good can come from their losses.

And for me they put life in perspective.

May we always feel ourselves held by the Savior in our circumstances.  May we always know He hurts with us.  May we know we are so deeply loved by Him and not forgotten or forsaken.

No matter what we face.

A Journey of the Heart

I go to church every week.

Impressed?

You shouldn't be.  It doesn't make me a Christian.  It doesn't make any of us Christians, or "saved."  In this journey of life we get so many opportunities to examine our hearts and motivations.  I've recently been doing that.  

We all have different motivations for what we do regarding God, church, family, etc.  I've met several people who say things like, "I should go to church, because I want my kids to have morals."  Or people who go to church out of duty, habit, obligation, etc.  It's sad really.  Church won't make your kids good.  In fact, sometimes forcing "church" will actually turn them away from God.  They need more than a building and a few good Christian influences to have it be something that matters to them.  A parent's guidance, love, prayers, example, honesty, and immense grace is a huge key to your child's outcome in life and the way their heart turns.  But, for it to be real, the parent themselves can't be at church out of duty, habit, or obligation.  

In other words, it's not about church.  

I love my church, don't get me wrong.  I have friends there, my kids have friends, and I look forward to it every week.  The worship and the teaching are some of the most real, challenging, encouraging, and love-filled moments of my week.  Sundays motivate me.  They help me to want to keep God close and to want to feel and express true Love as it has been given to me by my intimate friend: Jesus.  I find church so helpful in my walk.  I find the friendship, testimonies, similar experiences, all help me to not stray away into my own selfishness.

But, I could skip church for an entire year and still have a beautiful relationship with my Jesus.  

Relationship??

To some, that is such a foreign concept.  To many God is whomever the preacher says he is.  To some, He's "the man upstairs."  To some, He's the one who's rules we must follow to a T or else we might just fall off the fence and land our little selves in Hell.  What a sad tightrope to be expected to maintain that balance!  Or to some, they've taken Old Testament stories out of context and turned our Lord into an angry, malicious being who is unapproachable and couldn't possibly have anything to do with the world we live in today.  I am not a theologian and cannot take time in this post to explain away all of those misconceptions.  But, in my short lifetime I have felt all of those things at times.  It is truly a journey of the heart to challenge those thoughts and learn to trust a creator, The Creator, who's only desire is to love you and have an intimate, trusting relationship with you.  More intimate and trusting than the best marital relationship, or even more loving than that which you feel for your own children.  

Is that the Jesus that you've known?

It hasn't always been for me.  Several things in the last couple of years have truly changed my understanding. Now, I was technically "saved" as they say, in high school.  Then not much changed, and I went to college.  Had a few wild years, and then something drew me to desire an actual relationship with the Jesus whom I had once trusted enough to say "Yes, yes, you are the One I want in my heart and the One whom I want to trust forever."  And I had a few good "spiritual" years there.  Then life happened, and life was good, and I got really stagnant in my walk.  By that, I mean I had a healthy respect for God.  He was a definite force in my life, but not a passion.

I hope this isn't getting too long to read, but I've just really had some thoughts on my heart.  I'm not one to hide who I am, and I don't enjoy a false sense of being, so I feel compelled to share a little of my journey....I hope that's O.K.

So, here's my few things in the last couple of years that have helped mold my heart:

1) Finances.  We had a struggle a couple of years ago with the business.  I won't go into all of the details, but we were personally barely afloat.  And looking at our nation now, many people are experiencing what we went through and worse.  During that time, we had to come face to face with whether we could trust God to see us through.  We learned to appreciate the simplest things in life.  We found joy in our children and each other like we had never found before.  We even found joy in realizing that we couldn't control our futures, but could confidently trust that God had a plan for us.  He clothes the lily's of the field, and feeds the birds of the air...He wouldn't let us die in this circumstance.  We had to be OK with failure.  We had to be OK with Him changing our course.  Now, our business is doing great today, but we fully recognize that life can change on a dime and we have no choice but to trust the One who provides and has our back.  My phrase during that time: I am at the foot of the cross, and that's not a bad place to be.

2) Sophia's diagnosis with Type 1 diabetes.  This is probably no surprise, as it is a big focus for me.  When we first found out, it was shocking.  After the finance thing, we realized life is hard for everyone, but foolishly we felt we had had our "hard trial" and had learned to trust and we were sort of exempt from more of those moments.  So, this diagnosis was a real punch in the gut.  I hated it.  I hated seeing her suffer.  I hated seeing her have to overcome so much at 5 years old.  I was proud of her, but I really wanted to make it go away.  So much has been learned...too much to share in a paragraph.  But, one of the main things I continue to learn is that I can't control life.  I can't.  We are in a fallen world, and until Jesus returns, there will be pain and suffering.  It's not a punishment, or a cruel trick by God.  It's something He desperately desires to heal: all of our brokenness and suffering.  And it will happen, but it won't all happen in our timing.  And so we can be bitter, or we can let Him teach us, and hold us, and get us to a point of Peace.  (Disclaimer: This is oversimplifying the process for the sake of brevity, but I do acknowledge that pain is real, and suffering is a process, not just a quick-fix).  I had to tell Him recently (as though He didn't know): I hate pain.  I'm scared of more suffering.   Do you know what I felt His response was?  I've carried you in your pain.  You've never been alone.  And though you may not have felt much came from it, others have seen Jesus through My carrying you.  It wasn't a promise for more pain, but an assurance that He does make it better.  He feels my pain.  He cries with me.  I love that.

3) Loving people.  I used to be around people who just oozed love and think, Wow, I could never be that way.  I want to, but they are so much better at that than I can be.  And now I am just motivated, rather than condemned.  In this last year, I had a great opportunity to listen to a lady who is currently a missionary in Romania.  Her name is Jackie Quarles.  I listened for several hours as she told her struggles to be happy, and to trust God, and to love.  And yet, she oozed love.  She had a son wander away from her group on a mountain in Kazakhstan, and he was later found, but in the hours that they searched she wept, and came to a place of knowing that God was going to carry her through, even if she never found her son.  I couldn't imagine that place of trust.  I still struggle with that.  But, she talked and talked about how in the last few years she has truly fallen in love with Jesus.  And, everything in her life is better because of it.  Her marriage is great, her ability to handle her children is filled with grace and peace, and she's loving being a missionary in Romania.  I wept that night listening to her story and feeling so motivated to know that level of loving God.  That point where your love for Him is so tangible that it becomes a natural force in your life: to love others.  Oh, and yet by grace...we can only know that love with His help.

4) The Jesus Storybook Bible.  It's a wonderful children's bible.  I think it's ministered to me as much or more than my kids.  I fight tears with some of the stories, because it reminds you of God's true nature: love.  It tells the stories of the Bible as a true adventure story-book.  A book where the Prince wins back His love. Here's an excerpt from the story of Adam and Eve sinning and leaving the garden:

Before they left the garden, God whispered a promise to Adam and Eve: "It will not always be so!  I will come to rescue you!  And when I do, I'm going to do battle against the snake.  I'll get rid of the sin and the dark and the sadness you let in here.  I'm coming back for you!"  And he would  One day, God himself would come.


5)  Utter appreciation for Grace.  This one's hard to put in words some days.  I realized recently in my feeling stagnant that I hadn't truly grasped or appreciated the grace I had been given by God.  I think I looked at this broken world where the issues people struggle with are so intense: drugs, affairs, abuse, even murderers, molesters, etc.  And, I had almost decided unconsciously that my soul wasn't as corrupt.  That I wasn't that bad.  And, I suddenly realized that the same Grace that is available to anyone who struggles the way I just described, was what had freed me.  And I am renewed by that same Grace every day when I realize how down I am for not being a perfect mom, or not keeping a great attitude all of the time, or when I show anger, or I don't know how to love strangers effectively.  I don't have to get further and further from God during those times.  I only  have to be reminded how desperately He wants to be near me, and I can accept that grace and forgiveness and feel whole again, no matter where I am or what I've done.

In the book Celebration of Discipline: The path to Spiritual Growth,  the author quotes Bonhoeffer as saying, "Anybody who lives beneath the Cross and who has discerned in the Cross of Jesus the utter wickedness of all men and of his own heart will find there is no sin that can ever be alien to him.  Anybody who has once been horrified by the dreadfulness of his own sin that nailed Jesus to the Cross will no longer be horrified by even the rankest sins of a brother."

So, I think that makes us all equal.  There are no "spiritually mature," as I've often heard people in the church call themselves.  If you think yourself as such, I hope you'll search your heart.  I don't find it Biblical.  I think we have to all know we are so capable of terrible things, and we are so utterly dependent on Grace to make even the slightest good decisions.

I've also heard many people say things like, "I can't believe he did that!  He's supposed to be a CHRISTIAN!!"  Or, "Christians, they're all hypocrites!"  Yeah, we are.  The bottom line is, being a believer does not make you perfect.  I will continue to fail this side of Heaven, but I will always know where my forgiveness comes from.

I guess what has really driven me in the appreciation for Grace, is the realization that I need intimacy with God.  I need to know Him better than I know my husband.  And I need to remember that as a believer, He resides in me.  I can't actually get any closer to him.  He is not in the temple behind the veil.  He is not some far-off man-spirit-thing that I can't really feel comfortable talking to, because what if He knows what a hypocrite I am??!!  Or feel afraid that honesty with Him is going to cause me to be stricken down.  And the more I pursue that intimacy and love, the more I feel freedom in my life.  The more I feel peace, and the more I feel true joy.  I have far to go on this journey, but I like feeling like it's not about a bunch of rules I can't follow on my own.  It's about learning to trust Him, learning to talk to Him, and often learning to just listen and know that I am loved.  He loves me more than I love my kids, and that is hard to imagine.

Well, this has been a long post.  I hope this doesn't read "agenda" to anyone, as it's just been my heart lately. I feel more peace than I have in a long time, so I share...it's what I do.  Anyway, don't leave me in the dark here.  Let me know if you read this.  If you totally disagree, I'd love to hear that too...I can handle it.

May the Grace and Peace of Jesus be yours today!

Funny/Odd Child Statements of the Week

First one is Jossie's.   

We have the unfortunate displeasure of driving past a gentleman's club often that is a half mile from our house.  Now when I say "gentleman's club" you know what I mean without any further statement right?  Well, at this particular one, they apparently think you're too stupid to know what those true gentlemen are there for, so they've put black silhouettes of pole dancers and then blatant pictures of boobs and stomachs on the side of the building.  Thank you very much.  

Well, thus far, we've managed to drive past without any 4 or 6 year-olds noticing.  But in the last couple of weeks, my girls have noticed the "ladies bee-beeps" on the side of the building and cannot figure out why on earth they would be there.  

We're driving past the other day, and I hear in the back seat "oh, there's the momma's bee-beeps place."  "Shh...Mommy doesn't want us to look at that."  Me thinking Oh dear Lord, Why?? Why do they see it?  Why does our city allow that on the outside of the building??  How have I actually drawn attention to it by discouraging their eyes to focus on it??  Grrr!

Here comes Jossie:  "Mommy.  Why DO they have those pictures of bee-beeps on the building?"  Me:  "Well, maybe someone just thinks ladies bodies are pretty and wanted to draw a picture to appreciate them."  Jossie:  (Roaring with laughter) "That's so disgusting!  Nobody would think ladies bodies are pretty.  Ewww!  Gross!"  

Then the laughter subsides, and I think maybe we're done.  Then here comes Jossie, "Mommy, do you think they drink milk from mommys' bee-beeps in there?"  Me: "Nope, pretty sure they don't."   I'm about to barf at the thought and the awful conversation, and they're cracking up in the back seat.  

Ahhh...Life's blessed moments.

Now, if you're still reading, and not totally appalled by our car moment, the next story from Norah is cute and funny.

I recently had an ultrasound to see my sweet little baby moving around.  It was a precious surprise, and amazing to see my 10 week, 6 day old baby to have arms and legs, and a beating heart, and he/she was moving all around, kicking, and turning over, and putting his/her hand on its face.  Oh it was sweet.  The picture didn't turn out at all, but my doctor kindly gave it to me anyway.

So, I take home this ultrasound picture and explain that the black hole is the little home the baby is resting in, but that the picture didn't turn out so you can't see the little baby.  Well, Norah decides it looks like a cave and it could be scary with bears in there.  Joe assures her that all is well and no bears to be found, and that was all we heard of it for a few days.

Then, the other night, I'm putting Norah to bed, and she's about to fall asleep and says, "Mommy?"  "Do you think your little baby has to keep his eyes open all the time so it can look out for the bears?"  Me: "No Sweetie, there's no bears by the baby.  The baby's fine."  Norah: "But Mommy?"  Me" Norah, no bears in the cave, now go to sleep."  Norah, sigh..."OK Mommy."  

Meet Ghetto Woman

Have you been to The Pioneer Woman's website?  Oh it's amazing.  I love to drool at pictures of her life.  She lives in the country.  They have horses and cows.  And a beautiful house.  And beautiful kids.  It's all so picturesque.  She can cook, and the pictures of her cooking make you want to eat it off of the page.  And right now, I don't want to cook it myself, so dreaming about enjoying her food is as far as I'm getting.  

So, I have this nice camera.  I don't know how to use it well though.  It's a bummer.  I should take a photography class.  Because, also on her site are tips for taking fun pics and improving them with photoshop.  I have no idea what she means though, so I can't do those fancy things.  

It's hard not to dream of her life as being wonderful.  Though in a recent "confession" post she talked about haircuts with her kids, and her bursting into tears because of how haircuts might interfere with their country life and need for ponytails.  And then she and the girls had to skip going out to eat in the big city (Tulsa) and get home (3 hours away) so they could help feed the horses.  I didn't like how that sounded.  Definitely too much responsibility for animals for my taste.  

So, I thought about how I could pretend to be as awesome as her (at least on my blog).  And I couldn't come up with much.  I don't have the patience to take photos while cooking, or post them within 6 months of taking them.  Let's face it, there are no cows, horses, or even cute dogs I can take pictures of in my back yard.  And if I go outside to take pics, my reality is inevitable:  I live in the ghetto.

So, wouldn't it be fun to have a "Ghetto Woman" website?  Instead of beautiful pics of horses, deer, and other wildlife, I could photograph the teenagers who walk down my street with baseball bats, and their butts sticking out of their pants.  Or I could set up a hidden camera at 2 am and catch my neighbors conducting their likely illegal business.  Now that would be exciting.  Awe inspiring really.  I could take an early morning frosty picture of the glass in my storage shed that has a bullet hole in it.  Nice, huh?  What about the kids walking around the neighborhood with b.b. guns and hoodies trying to look like they're wannabe gangstas?  Now that's living.  

It just oozes with peace and tranquility, don't you think?  Surely I could sell some sort of book about our dream-life here, where we keep our alarm on even during the day.  Where, yesterday when I saw a car parked in my driveway that I didn't recognize, and as soon as my face shown in the window it sped off, and then I had paranoid thoughts about who that was and why they acted so suspicious, for the rest of the day and often during my restless night.  Yeah, dreams are made of such things.  

Look out Pioneer Woman.  Ghetto Woman might just take the cake in awesomeness and blogging.  People will be inspired, I tell ya.

Fog and Funnies

Sorry it takes me so long to post sometimes.  I am definitely in 1st trimester fog.  I'm pretty tired and worn out most of the time, and definitely feeling sick off and on throughout the day.  So my focus is just to get through the day and attempt to feed and clothe my children.  I'm even attempting a bit of homeschool, so as to not fall behind, but that's about it.  

The other day I was trying to rest and ignore the sibling rivalries for about 5 minutes.  It didn't work out too well though.  I could hear Jossie and Norah fighting and tried to holler out a few times, "Hey girls!  Talk nice!" or something lame and lazy like that.  Jossie comes running in crying with a big red spot on her arm where Norah has bit her!  Seriously!!??  Ugh...  So, I had to discipline Norah, and comfort Jossie, and in the middle of dealing with that, Sophie comes in and announces that her blood sugar is 37!!  Not good.  So, I run and get her juice and she tells me that she had been feeling low for a while, but was hoping for a better snack.  I told her, "that's how kids pass out, is not knowing when it's gotten too low.  Very bad for your body, Darling."  She understood.  Norah apologized.  Jossie forgave.  But, Jossie also said, "I've never bit anyone."  She just wasn't made with that kind of will or tendency.  

So, a couple of funny Norah moments.  She's at that really cute 2 year-old stage where her adult statements are too funny, especially with her 2-year-old lisps.  

She climbed into bed the other morning around 5 am with us.  She said she wanted to snuggle with Daddy. So get gets all cozy with him and says, "Your breff stinks.  You needs to brush yo's teef."  We both cracked up at her.  You want to be so mad that she's interrupting our sleep at 5 am, but with out of nowhere statements like that, you can't help but laugh.

Later she came in crying about a binky making her gag.  Disclaimer: she doesn't use one (not that it's bad if she did.  Ha! Ha!  Do you like my disclaimer for my disclaimer?).   She's all mad at Jossie for saying it made her gag.  She says, "NO!  I din't gag!  I frowed up on my binky." (big tears coming now)  "I need to go to the hossssipital."  The girls and I busted out laughing, which made her cry harder.  Daddy was there to be the hero and comfort her though and assure her it was a serious thing that had occurred.  

Old and New Adventures

Let's see who actually reads this...

The last month has been filled with Christmas chaos and a lot of peace and joy as well.  Really.

As hard as I try to "tone it down" so as to not stress-out my dear husband, the fact is Christmas is just dang busy.  Usually I even squeeze in more homemade gifts than I managed this year, but I stuck to just cookies.  We had fun delivering to neighbors and friends.  Sophia and Jossie decided it would be fun to do some caroling while delivering.  So, everyone got a song with their plate of cookies.  I felt a little silly belting out the tunes in front of friends and their families, but if I'm going to teach my kids to get over their embarrassed feelings and push through, I guess I had to as well.

We forced ourselves to do a once a week Advent candle/wreath.

 If we were really thorough, we could have focused on it nightly, but let's not forget this is Christmas chaos, and slowing down even once during the week was what we could do and it was a meaningful night each time.  With kids ages 2, 4, and 6, it's just going to be a little chaotic anyway, but the fact that the Spirit of God is speaking to them and through them blessed us so much.  I cried each time when they would talk about their understanding of Jesus, and the concepts of Hope, Peace, Joy and Love.  They really got it.  When Jossie prayed one night, she called Jesus "just the strongest, most awesome Person ever!"  They took initiative to earnestly pray for kids around the world who need love and food and to "know Jesus," and they prayed for sick people around us.  It was sweet.

Some of our adventures included two different choir performances; one at church, and one at our homeschool co-op, and they were each in a ballet performance during school.  For Sophia, she became a little more self-aware this year and became a little too embarrassed to perform.  So, she opted out of the church choir performance 30 seconds beforehand due to a "stomach ache."  With many tears and last minute hand squeezes she forced herself on stage for the school choir, and was beaming with excitement that she had finished it and performed at the end.  But, the next week when ballet came, she had forgotten how good it felt to complete a performance and her "stomach ache" returned.  I tried to say things like, "you're part of a team that you can't let down".  Not working.  "You are an instrument of God, and He could use you in this dance to reach somebody in the audience." Not working. Then, when I had no other ideas and thinking the "stomach ache" or screaming and tears might win, I threw in "you have a haircut appointment tomorrow to cut your hair short.  It's a reward for completing ballet, and you get to do that only once you perform."  It Worked!  Whatever!!!    She looked absolutely beautiful and graceful up there, so if it worked, it worked.

Jossie on the other hand had a completely different experience with the whole thing.  She was right in front for the church choir, sang her heart out with a huge smile and even through in some jazz hands at the end.

 Then at homeschool choir, she was right in front again, sang her heart out and did a little dancing and practically some air guitar on the jazzier songs.

A friend later said, "I didn't even know Jossie talked much, and that was a whole side of her I did not expect!"  Ha!  During ballet, she was front and center again, and looked so stinkin' cute.  She had a total blast!  I had a smile all day from that performance.  She was just too fun to watch.

For our new adventures...

Well, we had a surprise right before Christmas to discover we will be having baby number 4!  Not in our plans, but we know that our children are such blessings, we have no choice but to be happy.  With knowing how strong the diabetes gene is in our family, I was concerned about another child being at risk for that.  But,  it is yet another opportunity to fully trust our Lord and not to lean on my own understanding.  He is much better at handling life than I, so I walk in peace knowing He is worthy of my trust.

Well, I haven't been to the doctor yet to officially confirm, but two tests were enough to convince me that it's a likely scenario.  The girls were pretty happy.  Sophie especially was thrilled, and said, "Ha, ha!  How'd that happen."  Redirect!  And then said, "Oh, I was afraid we were always going to be a family with just 3 kids!"  Jossie was happy, though didn't have much to say.  When Sophie got in Norah's face later and VERY enthusiastically asked, "Are you so excited that Mommy has a baby in her tummy?", she quickly replied: "No, I da Baby!"  Yes, honey, you are.  Aww...  She later agreed that maybe a real baby to help take care of in her house would be a little fun.

So,a new year, new adventures.  Maybe house hunting is in our future!

Prayers of the Innocent...

First of all, this is Joe not Anj.  I wanted to record a couple of prayers uttered by our kiddos lately that really touched Anj and I.  Donna Nix said two Sundays ago that there is no "junior" Holy Spirit.  Our kids have the same Holy Spirit, the same power that raised Christ from the dead.  In fact, maybe they have it in greater measure than we do only because they restrict His movement even less.

We have been doing a family Advent candle once a week leading up to Christmas and it has turned into a really precious time.  For those few of you that have been around our house at bedtime, it will be no surprise that the teaching happens sprinkled with curt phrases like, "Jossie, don't dance on the back of the couch," and "Jossie, please don't catch your hair on fire again," and "Please don't sing songs about bottoms while we are doing the Advent candle," and "yes, I know your sister tooted but please ignore that when we are praying."

Ultimately, though they get into it.  They get into the Story of Christmas.  We don't tell the whole story every time but the Story itself occurrs to them somehow in our discussion.  They are enamoured with the magic of it, the characters, the intrigue, the sense of scandal.  They sense its importance just in our discussing it.  We don't have to TELL them it is important, they just know.  So eventually a general feeling of peace and awe settles over the whole crew.  Then we go over the definition of peace that we learned on the first week.  Jossie and Sophia both know it very well: quietness with hope.  "There can't be peace without hope" Jossie adds, betraying a much deeper understanding then her tulip tip-toeing toes would lead you to believe was possible.

Finally we get to the prayers.  Jossie and Sophia both want to pray.  Here are the best part of their prayers in my opinion.  Shared as exactly as I can remember:

Sophia - Jesus, Thank you for coming so we can go to heaven sometime and be with you.  I hope I get to meet Mary and Joseph when I go to heaven.  But mostly the person that I want to meet first and most of all is you Jesus because I love you with all of my heart.

Jossie - Jesus sometimes I know that it gets really loud with everybody yelling and bein' crazy and stuff but then I just get quiet and I hear my heart just beating and I'm just happy because I know that it is you in my heart.

I am honored to be led into the presence of the Almighty by children.

Today, Anj and the girls were driving by Miss Betty's house who is our neighbor that we know is in the hospital.  Her daughter was out in the yard so Anj stopped to get the news and offer some encouragement.  She told her that we would praying for Miss Betty as she was leaving.  On the way home Jossie pipes up with this little gem:

Jossie - Mommie, I'm just gonna pray for Miss Betty right now (eyes closed tight and hands folded) Jesus we just want Miss Betty to get all the way better and we're just gonna pray for her EVERY day.  Well, I don't know about Sophie or Mommy or for that matter even Daddy, but I know I am going to pray for her EVERY day.

Then she prayed for Miss Betty at dinner.  I'm betting she'll pray for Miss Betty everyday for the next year or so.  ...so beautiful...

New Blog

One of my other reasons I was lacking in writing for the blog, is I started a new one.  It's not nearly as weighty.  Well, unless you actually make and consume it all.  

It's a cooking blog.  You can view it here.  There are much better cooking blogs out there, but this one is filled with my favorites.  It was intended to get copies of all of the yummy meals my friends share when they're blessing someone who's had a baby or any other need.  I haven't received many recipes, except those I've begged for pretty much.  :-)  I'm thankful for those who've shared though.  That being said, you're welcome to send me a recipe to post as well.  The ones that people ask for, you know.  Make sure and give credit to whomever you've gotten the recipe from!  

I pray this Christmas Season is a blessing to you so far!  Find time to do something fun, or cancel one of those obligations and watch a movie with your kids or go Christmas Light viewing.  (Bring the hot cocoa, it's worth the mess when you see the smiles).  

Still Here

I'm not sure what my excuse is really.  We are all still here, and I have lots of blog ideas in my brain.  But finding time to put them to computer screen is not always possible.  

We've had cold after cold, in our house, and we're pretty sure it all started with the Piggy Piggy Flu in September.  As I've said before, colds are a serious thing for Sophie, so she has really struggled with blood sugars and overall not-feeling-well.  I'm on my 4th or 5th cold of the season.  Lovin' that!

It's life, I know.  I try to keep perspective that everyone gets sick.  I've already shared how crazy we are about using our germ-x, washing hands when we get home, and taking massive amounts of Vitamin C.  I'm losing my faith in any of it working though.  I continue to battle feeling totally frustrated at the relaxed attitude everyone has about bringing sick kids around.  I guess we all just need to get back to life, so we don't make a big deal about our kids' snot, cough, etc.  Do I return the favor?  Not really.  We miss a lot of activities because I don't want to be hypocritical.  But sometimes I want to not care that I'm bringing my sick kids around, since that's just what people do.

I'm not mad at anyone.  It's just this process of trusting God that this 5th cold of the season for Sophia isn't going to start attacking major organs.  I wish sick kids stayed at home, but more than that I wish I could walk in peace and faith through these seasons.  I can't live in a bubble, and this is how it goes.

Sorry to sound whiny.  I have much more fun and happy stories to tell.  Soon, I hope.  I just thought people would wonder if we fell off the planet, so here's my un-fun reason why I can't do more thoughtful blogging at the moment.

Feel free to leave a comment and let me know you're here.

Now, off to take some tylenol...

P.S. I just re-read this and it's a little crankier sounding than intended.  I promise I'm not mad at my friends or have one of you I'm really secretly trying to target in this.  It's really about my heart needing to trust God and find peace in the process.

P.S.S.  I love disclaimers.  I offer them often to people.  Maybe that means I stick my foot in my mouth too often.