A Journey of the Heart

I go to church every week.

Impressed?

You shouldn't be.  It doesn't make me a Christian.  It doesn't make any of us Christians, or "saved."  In this journey of life we get so many opportunities to examine our hearts and motivations.  I've recently been doing that.  

We all have different motivations for what we do regarding God, church, family, etc.  I've met several people who say things like, "I should go to church, because I want my kids to have morals."  Or people who go to church out of duty, habit, obligation, etc.  It's sad really.  Church won't make your kids good.  In fact, sometimes forcing "church" will actually turn them away from God.  They need more than a building and a few good Christian influences to have it be something that matters to them.  A parent's guidance, love, prayers, example, honesty, and immense grace is a huge key to your child's outcome in life and the way their heart turns.  But, for it to be real, the parent themselves can't be at church out of duty, habit, or obligation.  

In other words, it's not about church.  

I love my church, don't get me wrong.  I have friends there, my kids have friends, and I look forward to it every week.  The worship and the teaching are some of the most real, challenging, encouraging, and love-filled moments of my week.  Sundays motivate me.  They help me to want to keep God close and to want to feel and express true Love as it has been given to me by my intimate friend: Jesus.  I find church so helpful in my walk.  I find the friendship, testimonies, similar experiences, all help me to not stray away into my own selfishness.

But, I could skip church for an entire year and still have a beautiful relationship with my Jesus.  

Relationship??

To some, that is such a foreign concept.  To many God is whomever the preacher says he is.  To some, He's "the man upstairs."  To some, He's the one who's rules we must follow to a T or else we might just fall off the fence and land our little selves in Hell.  What a sad tightrope to be expected to maintain that balance!  Or to some, they've taken Old Testament stories out of context and turned our Lord into an angry, malicious being who is unapproachable and couldn't possibly have anything to do with the world we live in today.  I am not a theologian and cannot take time in this post to explain away all of those misconceptions.  But, in my short lifetime I have felt all of those things at times.  It is truly a journey of the heart to challenge those thoughts and learn to trust a creator, The Creator, who's only desire is to love you and have an intimate, trusting relationship with you.  More intimate and trusting than the best marital relationship, or even more loving than that which you feel for your own children.  

Is that the Jesus that you've known?

It hasn't always been for me.  Several things in the last couple of years have truly changed my understanding. Now, I was technically "saved" as they say, in high school.  Then not much changed, and I went to college.  Had a few wild years, and then something drew me to desire an actual relationship with the Jesus whom I had once trusted enough to say "Yes, yes, you are the One I want in my heart and the One whom I want to trust forever."  And I had a few good "spiritual" years there.  Then life happened, and life was good, and I got really stagnant in my walk.  By that, I mean I had a healthy respect for God.  He was a definite force in my life, but not a passion.

I hope this isn't getting too long to read, but I've just really had some thoughts on my heart.  I'm not one to hide who I am, and I don't enjoy a false sense of being, so I feel compelled to share a little of my journey....I hope that's O.K.

So, here's my few things in the last couple of years that have helped mold my heart:

1) Finances.  We had a struggle a couple of years ago with the business.  I won't go into all of the details, but we were personally barely afloat.  And looking at our nation now, many people are experiencing what we went through and worse.  During that time, we had to come face to face with whether we could trust God to see us through.  We learned to appreciate the simplest things in life.  We found joy in our children and each other like we had never found before.  We even found joy in realizing that we couldn't control our futures, but could confidently trust that God had a plan for us.  He clothes the lily's of the field, and feeds the birds of the air...He wouldn't let us die in this circumstance.  We had to be OK with failure.  We had to be OK with Him changing our course.  Now, our business is doing great today, but we fully recognize that life can change on a dime and we have no choice but to trust the One who provides and has our back.  My phrase during that time: I am at the foot of the cross, and that's not a bad place to be.

2) Sophia's diagnosis with Type 1 diabetes.  This is probably no surprise, as it is a big focus for me.  When we first found out, it was shocking.  After the finance thing, we realized life is hard for everyone, but foolishly we felt we had had our "hard trial" and had learned to trust and we were sort of exempt from more of those moments.  So, this diagnosis was a real punch in the gut.  I hated it.  I hated seeing her suffer.  I hated seeing her have to overcome so much at 5 years old.  I was proud of her, but I really wanted to make it go away.  So much has been learned...too much to share in a paragraph.  But, one of the main things I continue to learn is that I can't control life.  I can't.  We are in a fallen world, and until Jesus returns, there will be pain and suffering.  It's not a punishment, or a cruel trick by God.  It's something He desperately desires to heal: all of our brokenness and suffering.  And it will happen, but it won't all happen in our timing.  And so we can be bitter, or we can let Him teach us, and hold us, and get us to a point of Peace.  (Disclaimer: This is oversimplifying the process for the sake of brevity, but I do acknowledge that pain is real, and suffering is a process, not just a quick-fix).  I had to tell Him recently (as though He didn't know): I hate pain.  I'm scared of more suffering.   Do you know what I felt His response was?  I've carried you in your pain.  You've never been alone.  And though you may not have felt much came from it, others have seen Jesus through My carrying you.  It wasn't a promise for more pain, but an assurance that He does make it better.  He feels my pain.  He cries with me.  I love that.

3) Loving people.  I used to be around people who just oozed love and think, Wow, I could never be that way.  I want to, but they are so much better at that than I can be.  And now I am just motivated, rather than condemned.  In this last year, I had a great opportunity to listen to a lady who is currently a missionary in Romania.  Her name is Jackie Quarles.  I listened for several hours as she told her struggles to be happy, and to trust God, and to love.  And yet, she oozed love.  She had a son wander away from her group on a mountain in Kazakhstan, and he was later found, but in the hours that they searched she wept, and came to a place of knowing that God was going to carry her through, even if she never found her son.  I couldn't imagine that place of trust.  I still struggle with that.  But, she talked and talked about how in the last few years she has truly fallen in love with Jesus.  And, everything in her life is better because of it.  Her marriage is great, her ability to handle her children is filled with grace and peace, and she's loving being a missionary in Romania.  I wept that night listening to her story and feeling so motivated to know that level of loving God.  That point where your love for Him is so tangible that it becomes a natural force in your life: to love others.  Oh, and yet by grace...we can only know that love with His help.

4) The Jesus Storybook Bible.  It's a wonderful children's bible.  I think it's ministered to me as much or more than my kids.  I fight tears with some of the stories, because it reminds you of God's true nature: love.  It tells the stories of the Bible as a true adventure story-book.  A book where the Prince wins back His love. Here's an excerpt from the story of Adam and Eve sinning and leaving the garden:

Before they left the garden, God whispered a promise to Adam and Eve: "It will not always be so!  I will come to rescue you!  And when I do, I'm going to do battle against the snake.  I'll get rid of the sin and the dark and the sadness you let in here.  I'm coming back for you!"  And he would  One day, God himself would come.


5)  Utter appreciation for Grace.  This one's hard to put in words some days.  I realized recently in my feeling stagnant that I hadn't truly grasped or appreciated the grace I had been given by God.  I think I looked at this broken world where the issues people struggle with are so intense: drugs, affairs, abuse, even murderers, molesters, etc.  And, I had almost decided unconsciously that my soul wasn't as corrupt.  That I wasn't that bad.  And, I suddenly realized that the same Grace that is available to anyone who struggles the way I just described, was what had freed me.  And I am renewed by that same Grace every day when I realize how down I am for not being a perfect mom, or not keeping a great attitude all of the time, or when I show anger, or I don't know how to love strangers effectively.  I don't have to get further and further from God during those times.  I only  have to be reminded how desperately He wants to be near me, and I can accept that grace and forgiveness and feel whole again, no matter where I am or what I've done.

In the book Celebration of Discipline: The path to Spiritual Growth,  the author quotes Bonhoeffer as saying, "Anybody who lives beneath the Cross and who has discerned in the Cross of Jesus the utter wickedness of all men and of his own heart will find there is no sin that can ever be alien to him.  Anybody who has once been horrified by the dreadfulness of his own sin that nailed Jesus to the Cross will no longer be horrified by even the rankest sins of a brother."

So, I think that makes us all equal.  There are no "spiritually mature," as I've often heard people in the church call themselves.  If you think yourself as such, I hope you'll search your heart.  I don't find it Biblical.  I think we have to all know we are so capable of terrible things, and we are so utterly dependent on Grace to make even the slightest good decisions.

I've also heard many people say things like, "I can't believe he did that!  He's supposed to be a CHRISTIAN!!"  Or, "Christians, they're all hypocrites!"  Yeah, we are.  The bottom line is, being a believer does not make you perfect.  I will continue to fail this side of Heaven, but I will always know where my forgiveness comes from.

I guess what has really driven me in the appreciation for Grace, is the realization that I need intimacy with God.  I need to know Him better than I know my husband.  And I need to remember that as a believer, He resides in me.  I can't actually get any closer to him.  He is not in the temple behind the veil.  He is not some far-off man-spirit-thing that I can't really feel comfortable talking to, because what if He knows what a hypocrite I am??!!  Or feel afraid that honesty with Him is going to cause me to be stricken down.  And the more I pursue that intimacy and love, the more I feel freedom in my life.  The more I feel peace, and the more I feel true joy.  I have far to go on this journey, but I like feeling like it's not about a bunch of rules I can't follow on my own.  It's about learning to trust Him, learning to talk to Him, and often learning to just listen and know that I am loved.  He loves me more than I love my kids, and that is hard to imagine.

Well, this has been a long post.  I hope this doesn't read "agenda" to anyone, as it's just been my heart lately. I feel more peace than I have in a long time, so I share...it's what I do.  Anyway, don't leave me in the dark here.  Let me know if you read this.  If you totally disagree, I'd love to hear that too...I can handle it.

May the Grace and Peace of Jesus be yours today!

Funny/Odd Child Statements of the Week

First one is Jossie's.   

We have the unfortunate displeasure of driving past a gentleman's club often that is a half mile from our house.  Now when I say "gentleman's club" you know what I mean without any further statement right?  Well, at this particular one, they apparently think you're too stupid to know what those true gentlemen are there for, so they've put black silhouettes of pole dancers and then blatant pictures of boobs and stomachs on the side of the building.  Thank you very much.  

Well, thus far, we've managed to drive past without any 4 or 6 year-olds noticing.  But in the last couple of weeks, my girls have noticed the "ladies bee-beeps" on the side of the building and cannot figure out why on earth they would be there.  

We're driving past the other day, and I hear in the back seat "oh, there's the momma's bee-beeps place."  "Shh...Mommy doesn't want us to look at that."  Me thinking Oh dear Lord, Why?? Why do they see it?  Why does our city allow that on the outside of the building??  How have I actually drawn attention to it by discouraging their eyes to focus on it??  Grrr!

Here comes Jossie:  "Mommy.  Why DO they have those pictures of bee-beeps on the building?"  Me:  "Well, maybe someone just thinks ladies bodies are pretty and wanted to draw a picture to appreciate them."  Jossie:  (Roaring with laughter) "That's so disgusting!  Nobody would think ladies bodies are pretty.  Ewww!  Gross!"  

Then the laughter subsides, and I think maybe we're done.  Then here comes Jossie, "Mommy, do you think they drink milk from mommys' bee-beeps in there?"  Me: "Nope, pretty sure they don't."   I'm about to barf at the thought and the awful conversation, and they're cracking up in the back seat.  

Ahhh...Life's blessed moments.

Now, if you're still reading, and not totally appalled by our car moment, the next story from Norah is cute and funny.

I recently had an ultrasound to see my sweet little baby moving around.  It was a precious surprise, and amazing to see my 10 week, 6 day old baby to have arms and legs, and a beating heart, and he/she was moving all around, kicking, and turning over, and putting his/her hand on its face.  Oh it was sweet.  The picture didn't turn out at all, but my doctor kindly gave it to me anyway.

So, I take home this ultrasound picture and explain that the black hole is the little home the baby is resting in, but that the picture didn't turn out so you can't see the little baby.  Well, Norah decides it looks like a cave and it could be scary with bears in there.  Joe assures her that all is well and no bears to be found, and that was all we heard of it for a few days.

Then, the other night, I'm putting Norah to bed, and she's about to fall asleep and says, "Mommy?"  "Do you think your little baby has to keep his eyes open all the time so it can look out for the bears?"  Me: "No Sweetie, there's no bears by the baby.  The baby's fine."  Norah: "But Mommy?"  Me" Norah, no bears in the cave, now go to sleep."  Norah, sigh..."OK Mommy."  

Meet Ghetto Woman

Have you been to The Pioneer Woman's website?  Oh it's amazing.  I love to drool at pictures of her life.  She lives in the country.  They have horses and cows.  And a beautiful house.  And beautiful kids.  It's all so picturesque.  She can cook, and the pictures of her cooking make you want to eat it off of the page.  And right now, I don't want to cook it myself, so dreaming about enjoying her food is as far as I'm getting.  

So, I have this nice camera.  I don't know how to use it well though.  It's a bummer.  I should take a photography class.  Because, also on her site are tips for taking fun pics and improving them with photoshop.  I have no idea what she means though, so I can't do those fancy things.  

It's hard not to dream of her life as being wonderful.  Though in a recent "confession" post she talked about haircuts with her kids, and her bursting into tears because of how haircuts might interfere with their country life and need for ponytails.  And then she and the girls had to skip going out to eat in the big city (Tulsa) and get home (3 hours away) so they could help feed the horses.  I didn't like how that sounded.  Definitely too much responsibility for animals for my taste.  

So, I thought about how I could pretend to be as awesome as her (at least on my blog).  And I couldn't come up with much.  I don't have the patience to take photos while cooking, or post them within 6 months of taking them.  Let's face it, there are no cows, horses, or even cute dogs I can take pictures of in my back yard.  And if I go outside to take pics, my reality is inevitable:  I live in the ghetto.

So, wouldn't it be fun to have a "Ghetto Woman" website?  Instead of beautiful pics of horses, deer, and other wildlife, I could photograph the teenagers who walk down my street with baseball bats, and their butts sticking out of their pants.  Or I could set up a hidden camera at 2 am and catch my neighbors conducting their likely illegal business.  Now that would be exciting.  Awe inspiring really.  I could take an early morning frosty picture of the glass in my storage shed that has a bullet hole in it.  Nice, huh?  What about the kids walking around the neighborhood with b.b. guns and hoodies trying to look like they're wannabe gangstas?  Now that's living.  

It just oozes with peace and tranquility, don't you think?  Surely I could sell some sort of book about our dream-life here, where we keep our alarm on even during the day.  Where, yesterday when I saw a car parked in my driveway that I didn't recognize, and as soon as my face shown in the window it sped off, and then I had paranoid thoughts about who that was and why they acted so suspicious, for the rest of the day and often during my restless night.  Yeah, dreams are made of such things.  

Look out Pioneer Woman.  Ghetto Woman might just take the cake in awesomeness and blogging.  People will be inspired, I tell ya.

Fog and Funnies

Sorry it takes me so long to post sometimes.  I am definitely in 1st trimester fog.  I'm pretty tired and worn out most of the time, and definitely feeling sick off and on throughout the day.  So my focus is just to get through the day and attempt to feed and clothe my children.  I'm even attempting a bit of homeschool, so as to not fall behind, but that's about it.  

The other day I was trying to rest and ignore the sibling rivalries for about 5 minutes.  It didn't work out too well though.  I could hear Jossie and Norah fighting and tried to holler out a few times, "Hey girls!  Talk nice!" or something lame and lazy like that.  Jossie comes running in crying with a big red spot on her arm where Norah has bit her!  Seriously!!??  Ugh...  So, I had to discipline Norah, and comfort Jossie, and in the middle of dealing with that, Sophie comes in and announces that her blood sugar is 37!!  Not good.  So, I run and get her juice and she tells me that she had been feeling low for a while, but was hoping for a better snack.  I told her, "that's how kids pass out, is not knowing when it's gotten too low.  Very bad for your body, Darling."  She understood.  Norah apologized.  Jossie forgave.  But, Jossie also said, "I've never bit anyone."  She just wasn't made with that kind of will or tendency.  

So, a couple of funny Norah moments.  She's at that really cute 2 year-old stage where her adult statements are too funny, especially with her 2-year-old lisps.  

She climbed into bed the other morning around 5 am with us.  She said she wanted to snuggle with Daddy. So get gets all cozy with him and says, "Your breff stinks.  You needs to brush yo's teef."  We both cracked up at her.  You want to be so mad that she's interrupting our sleep at 5 am, but with out of nowhere statements like that, you can't help but laugh.

Later she came in crying about a binky making her gag.  Disclaimer: she doesn't use one (not that it's bad if she did.  Ha! Ha!  Do you like my disclaimer for my disclaimer?).   She's all mad at Jossie for saying it made her gag.  She says, "NO!  I din't gag!  I frowed up on my binky." (big tears coming now)  "I need to go to the hossssipital."  The girls and I busted out laughing, which made her cry harder.  Daddy was there to be the hero and comfort her though and assure her it was a serious thing that had occurred.  

Old and New Adventures

Let's see who actually reads this...

The last month has been filled with Christmas chaos and a lot of peace and joy as well.  Really.

As hard as I try to "tone it down" so as to not stress-out my dear husband, the fact is Christmas is just dang busy.  Usually I even squeeze in more homemade gifts than I managed this year, but I stuck to just cookies.  We had fun delivering to neighbors and friends.  Sophia and Jossie decided it would be fun to do some caroling while delivering.  So, everyone got a song with their plate of cookies.  I felt a little silly belting out the tunes in front of friends and their families, but if I'm going to teach my kids to get over their embarrassed feelings and push through, I guess I had to as well.

We forced ourselves to do a once a week Advent candle/wreath.

 If we were really thorough, we could have focused on it nightly, but let's not forget this is Christmas chaos, and slowing down even once during the week was what we could do and it was a meaningful night each time.  With kids ages 2, 4, and 6, it's just going to be a little chaotic anyway, but the fact that the Spirit of God is speaking to them and through them blessed us so much.  I cried each time when they would talk about their understanding of Jesus, and the concepts of Hope, Peace, Joy and Love.  They really got it.  When Jossie prayed one night, she called Jesus "just the strongest, most awesome Person ever!"  They took initiative to earnestly pray for kids around the world who need love and food and to "know Jesus," and they prayed for sick people around us.  It was sweet.

Some of our adventures included two different choir performances; one at church, and one at our homeschool co-op, and they were each in a ballet performance during school.  For Sophia, she became a little more self-aware this year and became a little too embarrassed to perform.  So, she opted out of the church choir performance 30 seconds beforehand due to a "stomach ache."  With many tears and last minute hand squeezes she forced herself on stage for the school choir, and was beaming with excitement that she had finished it and performed at the end.  But, the next week when ballet came, she had forgotten how good it felt to complete a performance and her "stomach ache" returned.  I tried to say things like, "you're part of a team that you can't let down".  Not working.  "You are an instrument of God, and He could use you in this dance to reach somebody in the audience." Not working. Then, when I had no other ideas and thinking the "stomach ache" or screaming and tears might win, I threw in "you have a haircut appointment tomorrow to cut your hair short.  It's a reward for completing ballet, and you get to do that only once you perform."  It Worked!  Whatever!!!    She looked absolutely beautiful and graceful up there, so if it worked, it worked.

Jossie on the other hand had a completely different experience with the whole thing.  She was right in front for the church choir, sang her heart out with a huge smile and even through in some jazz hands at the end.

 Then at homeschool choir, she was right in front again, sang her heart out and did a little dancing and practically some air guitar on the jazzier songs.

A friend later said, "I didn't even know Jossie talked much, and that was a whole side of her I did not expect!"  Ha!  During ballet, she was front and center again, and looked so stinkin' cute.  She had a total blast!  I had a smile all day from that performance.  She was just too fun to watch.

For our new adventures...

Well, we had a surprise right before Christmas to discover we will be having baby number 4!  Not in our plans, but we know that our children are such blessings, we have no choice but to be happy.  With knowing how strong the diabetes gene is in our family, I was concerned about another child being at risk for that.  But,  it is yet another opportunity to fully trust our Lord and not to lean on my own understanding.  He is much better at handling life than I, so I walk in peace knowing He is worthy of my trust.

Well, I haven't been to the doctor yet to officially confirm, but two tests were enough to convince me that it's a likely scenario.  The girls were pretty happy.  Sophie especially was thrilled, and said, "Ha, ha!  How'd that happen."  Redirect!  And then said, "Oh, I was afraid we were always going to be a family with just 3 kids!"  Jossie was happy, though didn't have much to say.  When Sophie got in Norah's face later and VERY enthusiastically asked, "Are you so excited that Mommy has a baby in her tummy?", she quickly replied: "No, I da Baby!"  Yes, honey, you are.  Aww...  She later agreed that maybe a real baby to help take care of in her house would be a little fun.

So,a new year, new adventures.  Maybe house hunting is in our future!

Prayers of the Innocent...

First of all, this is Joe not Anj.  I wanted to record a couple of prayers uttered by our kiddos lately that really touched Anj and I.  Donna Nix said two Sundays ago that there is no "junior" Holy Spirit.  Our kids have the same Holy Spirit, the same power that raised Christ from the dead.  In fact, maybe they have it in greater measure than we do only because they restrict His movement even less.

We have been doing a family Advent candle once a week leading up to Christmas and it has turned into a really precious time.  For those few of you that have been around our house at bedtime, it will be no surprise that the teaching happens sprinkled with curt phrases like, "Jossie, don't dance on the back of the couch," and "Jossie, please don't catch your hair on fire again," and "Please don't sing songs about bottoms while we are doing the Advent candle," and "yes, I know your sister tooted but please ignore that when we are praying."

Ultimately, though they get into it.  They get into the Story of Christmas.  We don't tell the whole story every time but the Story itself occurrs to them somehow in our discussion.  They are enamoured with the magic of it, the characters, the intrigue, the sense of scandal.  They sense its importance just in our discussing it.  We don't have to TELL them it is important, they just know.  So eventually a general feeling of peace and awe settles over the whole crew.  Then we go over the definition of peace that we learned on the first week.  Jossie and Sophia both know it very well: quietness with hope.  "There can't be peace without hope" Jossie adds, betraying a much deeper understanding then her tulip tip-toeing toes would lead you to believe was possible.

Finally we get to the prayers.  Jossie and Sophia both want to pray.  Here are the best part of their prayers in my opinion.  Shared as exactly as I can remember:

Sophia - Jesus, Thank you for coming so we can go to heaven sometime and be with you.  I hope I get to meet Mary and Joseph when I go to heaven.  But mostly the person that I want to meet first and most of all is you Jesus because I love you with all of my heart.

Jossie - Jesus sometimes I know that it gets really loud with everybody yelling and bein' crazy and stuff but then I just get quiet and I hear my heart just beating and I'm just happy because I know that it is you in my heart.

I am honored to be led into the presence of the Almighty by children.

Today, Anj and the girls were driving by Miss Betty's house who is our neighbor that we know is in the hospital.  Her daughter was out in the yard so Anj stopped to get the news and offer some encouragement.  She told her that we would praying for Miss Betty as she was leaving.  On the way home Jossie pipes up with this little gem:

Jossie - Mommie, I'm just gonna pray for Miss Betty right now (eyes closed tight and hands folded) Jesus we just want Miss Betty to get all the way better and we're just gonna pray for her EVERY day.  Well, I don't know about Sophie or Mommy or for that matter even Daddy, but I know I am going to pray for her EVERY day.

Then she prayed for Miss Betty at dinner.  I'm betting she'll pray for Miss Betty everyday for the next year or so.  ...so beautiful...

New Blog

One of my other reasons I was lacking in writing for the blog, is I started a new one.  It's not nearly as weighty.  Well, unless you actually make and consume it all.  

It's a cooking blog.  You can view it here.  There are much better cooking blogs out there, but this one is filled with my favorites.  It was intended to get copies of all of the yummy meals my friends share when they're blessing someone who's had a baby or any other need.  I haven't received many recipes, except those I've begged for pretty much.  :-)  I'm thankful for those who've shared though.  That being said, you're welcome to send me a recipe to post as well.  The ones that people ask for, you know.  Make sure and give credit to whomever you've gotten the recipe from!  

I pray this Christmas Season is a blessing to you so far!  Find time to do something fun, or cancel one of those obligations and watch a movie with your kids or go Christmas Light viewing.  (Bring the hot cocoa, it's worth the mess when you see the smiles).  

Still Here

I'm not sure what my excuse is really.  We are all still here, and I have lots of blog ideas in my brain.  But finding time to put them to computer screen is not always possible.  

We've had cold after cold, in our house, and we're pretty sure it all started with the Piggy Piggy Flu in September.  As I've said before, colds are a serious thing for Sophie, so she has really struggled with blood sugars and overall not-feeling-well.  I'm on my 4th or 5th cold of the season.  Lovin' that!

It's life, I know.  I try to keep perspective that everyone gets sick.  I've already shared how crazy we are about using our germ-x, washing hands when we get home, and taking massive amounts of Vitamin C.  I'm losing my faith in any of it working though.  I continue to battle feeling totally frustrated at the relaxed attitude everyone has about bringing sick kids around.  I guess we all just need to get back to life, so we don't make a big deal about our kids' snot, cough, etc.  Do I return the favor?  Not really.  We miss a lot of activities because I don't want to be hypocritical.  But sometimes I want to not care that I'm bringing my sick kids around, since that's just what people do.

I'm not mad at anyone.  It's just this process of trusting God that this 5th cold of the season for Sophia isn't going to start attacking major organs.  I wish sick kids stayed at home, but more than that I wish I could walk in peace and faith through these seasons.  I can't live in a bubble, and this is how it goes.

Sorry to sound whiny.  I have much more fun and happy stories to tell.  Soon, I hope.  I just thought people would wonder if we fell off the planet, so here's my un-fun reason why I can't do more thoughtful blogging at the moment.

Feel free to leave a comment and let me know you're here.

Now, off to take some tylenol...

P.S. I just re-read this and it's a little crankier sounding than intended.  I promise I'm not mad at my friends or have one of you I'm really secretly trying to target in this.  It's really about my heart needing to trust God and find peace in the process.

P.S.S.  I love disclaimers.  I offer them often to people.  Maybe that means I stick my foot in my mouth too often.

One Year Point

Today I realized that Sophia had been diagnosed one year ago, exactly. I think our process is summarized in my post about Sophia's Journey. It doesn't give all of the nitty-gritty details, but you can see in general how our lives have changed.

If feels like it's been a lifetime, not just a year. So much has changed, some good, some bad.

Some of the bad:

I really don't like thinking about every thing that my kid eats, and if her hopping around the living room is enough to bring her low, and more than that I really like sleep, and I don't get much of it sometimes. I don't like having a pit in my stomach at night wondering if I made the right call to give a correction at 11 pm and if I'll hear her if she has a seizure in her bed. Sigh...

Having a child with a chronic problem affects the other children as well. It grieves Joe and I sometimes when we look at Jossie, who already has the disadvantage of being middle child, but now has to also compete with her older sister getting special attention for not just accomplishing everything first, but also for having health problems. Those health problems require immediate attention often, so Jossie has learned to play alone a lot. She's learned to be the peacemaker already. She's so sweet, and she just melts when you praise her and notice her having accomplished something.

One other thing...I have become a total germ freak! And I've been so kind as to spread my paranoia on to Sophia. With the threat of hospitalization for her with every little illness, I'm a bit cranky with yellow-snot kids with coughs at church and school. I never get how that seems "not contagious" to a mom when they're dropping off. I used to think, oh well, the colds just boost our immune system, and maybe we'll all be healthier as we get older. But, now that things have changed, I am so anxious in public. I am pretty much refusing to go to the grocery store with my kids now (at least during the cold/flu season). I don't like feeling this way, but I don't like feeling like a cold could put her in the hospital either. Every time she has the slightest drainage or even allergy attack, her blood-sugar is in the 300's and 400's, and correction doses don't help. It makes me a little fruity. What was a common cold, now could cause my daughter's kidneys or eyesight to fail. Ugh! So, we pray daily for protection and try to tell ourselves to "chill out" and go out in the world...at least a little. But, I promise I germ-x them the second we get to the car. (Oh, and I got to tell all of Tulsa that on a news interview recently. Totally embarrassing, but I'll post on that one later).

Some of the good:

We've become a very tight family (as in close-knit). Not that we were a distant family at all, but an issue like this makes you lean on each other. Sometimes it really stinks that we're so good together, like when Joe and I want to go out...we don't have a lot of people who can do what we do, so we don't have the ability to have much space from here. But, the real positive for that is that I have realized how blessed I am with this amazing husband of mine. He is so fantastic with it all. He loses so much sleep taking care of any and all of the kiddos in the middle of the night. I do to, but I have so much peace knowing I'm not alone on those hard nights. He has been through so much stress with his business (not all bad, but growing a business is stressful...that's just how it goes), but he still always keeps us as his main priority. He comes home for dinner, he helps with bedtime, he very occasionally hangs out with a friend at night, but he so rarely does anything for himself. Anyway, I've already done my post on him, but it is part of the good that has come from this part of our lives. He helps me remember that we serve a Sovereign God who can take much better care of my family than I, and who's plans include a prosperous life for my children.

We've worked really hard at not being victims of this life situation. Sometimes we fail in that endeavor, but overall we've tried to keep the attitude and to teach it to Sophie, that we are still blessed and that our lives are still good even with this obstacle. Her doctor told me recently that Diabetics who's blood-sugar is well-controlled have a 1% chance of developing the typical bad side-effects of diabetes. Big sigh of relief... Sometimes the day-to-day realities of diabetes sucks, no doubt, but if we keep it a healthy focus, as in the focus is to keep her healthy, but don't obsess or wallow in self-pity, I think we'll all come out better for living through this. I still would take it away from her in a heartbeat, but since that isn't my choice, I want to see us all matured and growing in faith for having gone through this.

I think this year has caused Sophia and Jossie to really learn to pray. They are starting to "get it" that Jesus is listening, that He cares, and that He really likes them. Sophie said she "heard Jesus" the other night in her prayers. She said it wasn't a voice, just a feeling that made her have "a happy cry feeling inside." sigh....

Jossie prayed the other night for all of the poor people "that we can really love them and help them Jesus." sigh....

Other good news...We forced ourselves in September to take the vacation we've been dreaming of for a while....Disney World! As you can see here, Sophia and Jossie were thrilled to meet Princess Belle. Many squeals, waves, kiss blowing, and twirls occurred in Disney. I was even a little star-struck, I must admit. The princesses were so in character, and sweet, and so focused on the kiddos. And my girls are pretty sure they were the favorite little girls the princesses ever met. I will post more on Disney soon, but this seemed like the more timely post.

Along with Disney, we've learned in the last few months to just go with the flow a bit. Being on the pump really helps with that, because she can have carbs whenever it's convenient, and not just centered around meals or a scheduled snack. Here below, she's enjoying picking fresh peaches (and sampling a few bites) at an orchard near my mom's house over the summer.

Here is the blow-up pool/slide that we got for the girls' birthday party. They all loved it, though Norah never really warmed up to the slide. Sophie loved unplugging her pump and just being a normal kid for a couple hours at a time. She had a few lows while playing on it, but luckily it's in our back yard, so it was quickly remedied.

Here she's pictured in her JDRF walk t-shirt. It said "The Sophia and Forest Team. Fighting Diabetes Like Superheroes." We had about 40 people on our team, and raised almost $2000 as a team toward research for a cure. I felt so blessed to have such supportive family and friends. So many people really wanted Sophie to know they thought she was so mature and brave for all she has overcome.

So, what else is good? Well, I think this year has really forced us to remain at the foot of the Cross. That isn't a bad place to be. It's a place of vulnerable trust. A place of helpless faith. A place of strength, pain, surrender, and peace. It's a place where we don't have to have all of the answers, but where we know that intimacy with our God is The Answer.

Joe the Man

10 years we've been married (as of October 16). It's hard to believe, yet I feel like he's such a part of me that I can barely remember life without him. It's been fun thinking about our 10 years and realizing/remembering all of the many reasons I love that man. He's just good. He's good to others, he's funny, he protects, he enjoys his family. He makes us his first priority (besides God of course). He listens to me. He adores me. I like that. I could have made some really poor decisions before I met Joe, and am so thankful that God just didn't let that happen and He put Joe in my life. He's what I always dreamed about in a husband. I'm so blessed.

I wanted to share a couple of stories that he's done recently. They'll show some of his goodness.

In our neighborhood: He's had a heart for this very difficult family. They have a gazillion kids. They never watch those gazillion kids. It's a miracle none of the kids have been hurt by zooming cars, other people, etc. The adults, I believe, are likely involved in gang or drug-activity. My instinct is to pray for them, but never speak to them. Isn't that awful? I give them the friendly wave, and am kind to their boys (I let them help me plant flowers, give them occasional snacks, etc.) But, to be totally honest, I haven't wanted to do much to help them realize they need God and that they can change. I still, as I write this, don't have the answers for how to help them. But Joe, he's constantly trying to figure out how to reach out to them.

Anyway, one day, he was mowing the lawn, and two of the guys who frequent the house were sitting on the porch. He walked akwardly over to them and did about 30 seconds of small talk and then said, "I think God wants me to pray for you." They looked at him like he was a freak. So he says, "I'm going to go ahead and do that now. Do you have anything specific you want me to pray about for you?" The one guy just shrugs and says, "No Man." The other guy says something about how he could pray for his kids. So Joe prayed for that guy's kids and then prayed that God would haunt these men until they knew Him (outloud, mind you). Then he akwardly walked back and resumed mowing his lawn. Since then, the one that was a little more open to being prayed for has opened up to Joe a couple of times, admitting to some jail history, and that his ex won't let him near those kids. He has asked him to pray for him a couple more times, saying he always feels better. He also told Joe that he's felt "weird" since he first prayed for him, and that on that first day he prayed, he was supposed to fight some guy in the neighborhood, but never left the porch when he drove up. He said, "I just couldn't do it."

We have since learned some very unfortunate news about the main man who lives there (not the guy who let Joe pray), and our answers are fewer. Joe says, "In whatever way I can, I still think I'm supposed to show love and pray with them when I get the chance." I admire him. God protects him.

So, my other story: This one has to do with a redeeming value of our being forced to walk the diabetes road. Joe ran into Walmart one day, and while in line to check-out, the check-out lady next to him passed out. Joe quickly observed another worker saying something to the effects that "she hasn't done this in a long time," and grabbing a packet of Reese's Pieces and trying to shove them in her clamped shut mouth. Joe says to the conscious one, "do you have a pharmacy or a cake aisle?" She looks at him like he was the most insensitive person ever and said, "I don't know, I'm trying to help her here!" He says, "I know, it's for her, I think I can help." So she directs him to the cake aisle. He grabs a tube of cake frosting, and brings it back. He opens it and directs the other worker to rub it on the lady's gums. After a few minutes, the diabetic lady gains enough strength to ask for a soda. One of the other workers quickly grabs a Diet Coke (still they didn't understand what had happened). Because her sugar was low, she had passed out, Joe realized this and knew to help. He quickly realized she needed a real Coke and grabbed her one. She was better and they were grateful for his quick thinking.

It made me cry the next day when I really thought about what had happened. God clearly had Joe next to her when she lost consciousness. He was able to intervene because he knew what to do, and he didn't hesitate.

My Hero!

Why Homeschool?

Well, that's up to you...

Why am I homeschooling? I like the weird looks I get from strangers when they say to my daughter, "why aren't you in school?" and I say, "she's homeschooled." It's a thrill.

No really, it's because I like to never shop alone for groceries and just love it when my kids scream at me for a toy...who needs solitude?

Actually, it's because I love being behind in laundry and cleaning all of the time.

No, I know...it's because I am no good at diagramming sentences and don't remember much in the way of history, so I thought, "I should teach my kids. I'd be good at that."

OK, sorry....

Why am I really? Mostly because I fell into it. Now, I'm adopting the reasons why it's good for our family, but honestly, I looked into a gazillion private schools. I applied for transfers into the magnet schools, and even got into one of them, but then decided it wasn't right for us. We couldn't stomach the price of private school for 3 kids. The final straw was when Sophie's preschool suggested we hold her back a year before kindergarten so she could grow emotionally and socially. I thought, I'm not sending her to preschool for another year of ABC's when she's ready to read. She's a smart girl, and it's time to move on.

Her experiences in preschool weren't fun either. She still cried most of the year when I left. She was highly anxious, and struggled making friends. Her main memories are of a girl on the playground who teased her all year long saying she wasn't a girl, and saying she wasn't allowed to play with the others. At 4!! I know I can't protect her forever from pain, but 4 is a little early to just make her figure out how to deal with that level of teasing.

On top of that, Joe and I had to laugh the other day at how early sex education starts among peers. At 4, her classmates had already discussed their privates (though Sophie thought they were calling it a China), and her friends informed her that breasts were called boobies! I can only imagine what Kindergartners are discussing! Ha! Now, lest you think I live in a closet, that wasn't the real reason why we're teaching at home, as I know they will be exposed to goofy things kids say even at church. But, I'm OK with being the primary person exposing her to what she needs to know right now. And before you think I'm that awesome (I know you do), you should know I own a lot of really meaningless Barbie movies that have done nothing but teach my kids how to act like serious drama-queens. So I'm not that righteous.

So, I don't know what the answers are for every parent or child. I know a lot of homeschool families who homeschool some of their kids and public-school the others. I know a lot of very well-rounded families/children who do only public school, and their kids have a great love for God too. So, there's no one right way for everyone.

I have found some things fun about homeschooling, and am hoping that some of my beliefs about our future due to this decision are realized. For one thing, it's a blast watching my child "get-it." When their eyes light up that they know they just learned something they didn't know a moment before, I'm glad that I get to be the one who witnessed that moment.

Another thing, I was never comfortable with letting adults I barely knew, take on the responsibility of rearing my child for most of the day. I'm sure they would have done a fine job, but it felt like my job. I felt like I would be losing so much of my time with my kids. Sophie was supposed to be in school 7 1/2 hours a day at 5. That seemed like a lot of independence and dependence on others for such a young age. I couldn't get over the fact that I only have them with me for 18 short years, and the world has them for the rest of their lives. It doesn't seem like long to get all of my snuggles, and chats, and training in with them. Sigh... I just needed more.

I've heard people's concerns about homeschoolers turning out "weird." I'm thinking, Wow. Do you know how many weird kids I went to public school with...and they're still weird. (Sorry if I went to school with you, I'm sure you weren't one of the weird ones). I guess I believe I can encourage my kids to learn, I can push them to be confident, and I can teach them about life without them automatically becoming "weird." But, if you think Joe and I are "weird," then the apples probably won't fall far. :-)

It was such a relief to be homeschooling last year when Sophia was diagnosed with Diabetes. She needed so much, and I was so uncomfortable with all of the changes. I personally couldn't have trusted a nurse and teacher to know the right thing to do for her, or to notice her among the 30 other kids in the room when she just "didn't look right" and would maybe need to test. I felt like her life hung in the balance, and I was the only person who was going to take it seriously enough. Her endocrinologist thought it was great too..."Oh good," she said, "we don't have to try to educate a nurse or teacher." So, I have much peace from that standpoint.

I gave up on the idea that forcing my kids into all day social and stressful learning was the way to make them get better. I can't tell you how many people suggest that's really what they "need" to overcome anxiety. As a child who needed "to grow emotionally" according to her preschool, I feel Sophie has done just that. With the constant support at home, she's much less anxious, and more easily pushed into challenging herself in social situations. She enjoys friends, and is getting much better at just being a normal kid. (Remember, I'm not saying if your kid's in school, and anxious, that my way is the only way to fix it either...we all have to work these things out and have peace with our decisions).

In the last 2 weeks, since we've started daily school, it has been so much fun to see how crazy fast they are learning things. Jossie's writing her name, which she had no interest in doing before. They're listening to rich literature being read. They've learned about different religions and why it's important to pray for missionaries across the world. They've memorized the 10 commandments, the beginning of the ancient timeline, and they have an understanding of the first nomads. Sophie is starting to be less angry at math. She's reading so much better (in just these 2 weeks).

We're also part of a learning community called Classical Conversations. It is a one-day-a-week school where they learn an immense amount of stuff, and then go home and memorize it all week long. That's where they've learned the 10 commandments, the ancient timeline, the noun endings for Latin, the 5 kingdoms of living things, the parts of a bean, the name of the hair on a spider, how to count by 1's, 2's, 3's, and 4's. (Seriously, even my 4 year-old has it). They can tell you what a preposition is. They're in choir and drama there too. They love it! They make friends just like "normal" kids, and they listen to a fun teacher, just like "normal" kids. I've met the nicest and most "normal" moms you can imagine. No weirdos in sight!

I've had so many people say, "good for you...I just couldn't do it." I had the exact same thoughts up until the moment I decided to try, like Nope! I can't wait for her to go to school. I am NOT a teacher and we butt heads too much, that would NEVER work! I guess God has other plans sometimes, and He certainly equips us.

So, lest you think I'm too awesome again (admit it), I have not done a perfect job in my last year, and these 2 weeks. Someone loaned me a book called "Homeschooling with a meek and quiet spirit," and I have laughed out loud on a daily basis on how far I am from that. :-) But, I still am loving the experience. It's an adventure to carry this responsibility and to watch my little buds blossom. I didn't birth them knowing "I shall homeschool you into awesomeness," but I'm working on truly embracing the fact that I get this unique privilege.

Now someday, if I decide I'm failing miserably and must send my kids to school, I'm sure I'll post on that too, and we can all share a good laugh.

Until that time....

I guess I'll be prayin'

Jossie's New Do

Yeah, so, I wasn't exactly planning on cutting Jossie's hair....


The other day, I'm having a happy mommy moment where I am busy organizing the heck out of the girls' room and they're getting along together in the office, where they're playing beauty shop. Sophie had a little mirror and chair set-up. She had dress-up clothes, make-up, and plastic jewelry to put on the wee-ones.


She'd even colored a little salon picture so they'd know where they were when they walked in the door.


Ahh...


So sweet, my little angels. I am so blessed to have these moments where they are so happy together.


Then, as though the album of happy music which plays in my head, has suddenly come to a screeching halt:


Jossie comes in with that nervous laughter (like she thinks it's funny, but is afraid I might not so much), and says "hee, hee, hee, Mommy, don't be mad, but Sophie just cut my hair."


"WHAT???!!!"


A bit of over-reacting was to follow.


"So," I say to Sophie, "Just tell me that you did know better, right?"


Soph: "Yeah, I did." (Head hanging low).


Me: "Serious consequences if that happens again, OK?"


Soph: "Yep."

So this is pre-cut: (gorgeous, huh?)

This is the wad of hair:

And this is her running carefree in the yard:

So, bottom line: she has bangs, which I don't love, but they go with her messy free-spirit style; and she has a large chunk cut off the side, which when the humidity hits, it curls and looks decent...not great, but decent. :-) She said to me: "Mommy, I asked her to cut it." Like don't be mad at her.

I later discovered when Sophie's hair was in a pony tail, some short pieces hanging down. "So, did you cut your hair too?" S: "Yes, but just so Jossie would know what to expect and that it wouldn't hurt." (Head hung low again).

Then, I kept thinking that Norah's hair seemed to have a rather straight cut in the top. So, a few days after our event I ask, "Did you cut Norah's hair too?" S: "Yeah." Me: "So, if you could just tell me all these things up front, rather than me having to discover them and ask you...that would be great!"

I guess you have to laugh. Don't most kids do this at some point? I just thought at 6 we were past that sort of curiosity.

Jossie goes around telling everyone: "Mommy says we can NEVER do that again!"

Come Walk with Us

My sweet girl, so happy...

Her pump site (where it's inserted):

The pump up close:

Sophie putting the pump in her pump-pak:

Sophie adding carbs to the pump herself:

This is my letter being sent out to raise awareness and support for diabetes research:

Friends and Family,

Greetings from our family clan! We hope this letter finds you doing well. We have had the most adventurous last 11 months, and thought we’d catch you up a bit. Since this isn’t a Christmas letter, we probably won’t give you all of the ins and outs of the year, like Joe’s business, the kids’ milestones, etc.

We are really writing to share a bit about our journey with Sophia and Diabetes. It’s part of our healthy process to share, and to champion our little girl for the superhero she has been all year long. We are also forming a walking team to raise money for a cure, but more on that to come.

Please bear with us for a story of sorts….

Type 1 Diabetes is an illness that seems like it comes out of nowhere; one day you’re fine, the next you’re diagnosed and on shots 4-5 times a day. We have learned that it’s more of a progressive illness (though not a result of poor eating, as it may be misrepresented in the media about children), so we don’t know how long she had the illness before it was diagnosed. Last summer we had started to be frustrated by some very angry behavior by Sophia. Then one weekend at the beginning of October, she and I (Anj) were running errands together and she needed to potty everywhere we stopped. I thought it was odd since she’s not the type of kid to check out the public restroom everywhere we go. I had also noticed her saying “I’m starving thirsty” a lot, and needing many refills on her water. I came home from errands, and Googled “excessive urination in kids,” and got the results: Urinary Tract Infection, or Diabetes. I mentioned it to Joe, and we both kind of blew it off. Joe’s nephew, Forest, had just been diagnosed in July with Type 1 as an 8-month-old baby. It was on our mind a lot, but we thought we were reading too much into her behavior, so we weren’t going to worry about it. That Monday then, she woke up and immediately threw a huge fit, slamming doors, screaming, etc. Joe said that I needed to find my glucometer (I had Gestational Diabetes with Norah) and test her, and if nothing was wrong, we needed to figure out a more effective way of disciplining. So, I got the meter out and tested her blood, and it said, “Warning. High Glucose. Over 600.” I of course assumed that it must be wrong and promptly stuck another strip in and tested her again. It said the exact same thing. We don’t know how high she actually was, but apparently the meters just stop measuring once it gets past 600. (And a normal person’s blood sugar is between 70-120).

Well, I knew right away. There was no other explanation. Don’t get me wrong; I prayed all the way to the hospital that there was another answer. I hoped that my meter was broken, and we were about to waste some money on a hospital visit just for them to tell me I had a faulty meter. Needless to say, that didn’t happen.

Within a few hours, we were practicing how to do shots in a rubber cushion, and then I got to administer the first shot before we went home. They said, “Do you like Pink or Purple?” with a smile, and promptly handed her a pink glucometer and said, “OOH, you get to go to Diabetes camp next summer!” We all just stared at them in a glaze, like, “Are we really trying to convince her this is great because she gets a pink meter and gets to go to her own special camp?”

It goes without saying, it was all a little traumatizing. Joe and I held it together for the first few days, just trying to learn and do our best. The realizations have been slow and painful for Sophia. Over the last year we have watched a 5 year-old begin to grapple with the idea of her mortality. It is hard to hear her ask things like: “Am I going to have this for the rest of my life? When can I be done taking shots? Do people die from diabetes? Is this going to kill me? What if I go low in the middle of the night, will I ever wake up?” It hit us very hard when she was screaming out in her sleep a few nights later, “No! Don’t give me a shot! No! I don’t want to prick my finger!” That was it. We both lay in bed crying and realizing that our innocent child, who had not a care in the world, was now faced with a very different reality for the rest of her life.

And the reality is, Diabetes is a life or death illness. Many don’t understand the seriousness of it. We knew that Joe’s mom had Type 1, causing her kidneys to fail, and thus leading to a kidney/pancreas transplant 10 years ago. Quite honestly, that freaked me out, but for the last 10 years, I hadn’t thought much about her past reality. Well, on our second visit to the clinic, we were given a Glucogon shot to keep with us at all times. This is an emergency shot, should her blood sugar drop so low that she passes out, can’t be woken, and/or has a seizure. This gets mixed up, and slammed into her thigh. Then the Dr. says, “Next you call 911, and it will be the scariest 15 minutes of your life.” Great.

The long-term consequences aren’t pretty either. For a diabetic whose blood-sugar is not well controlled, the long-term effects are: organ failure (mainly kidneys), heart disease, amputation, blindness, shortened life. Well there’s something you want to think about for your beautiful five year-old.

So, our lives have changed dramatically since that day. Though I thought she’d never enjoy a cookie or piece of birthday cake again, we have learned that I was wrong. We had so many misconceptions about diabetes, as do most people. The main thing that they now understand is that you have to count carbohydrates. Carbohydrates are what turn to sugar in the blood, and you match those with the right ratio of insulin. So, she can eat sweets, I just have to figure them into her insulin dose. We do avoid hard candies, and liquid sugar like: juice, soda, honey, and jelly, because they go into the blood stream much too quickly for insulin to catch up, and it causes too many spikes and drops in the blood-sugar. How do we measure it all though? At first it was mainly label reading, measuring with measuring cups, spoons, and a food scale. We also used the Calorie King book to look up many foods for carb counts.

For the first few months, mealtime was very stressful. I had 2 younger children who didn’t understand the need to wait until I had all of Sophie’s food figured out and she had her shot before I’d even start making their food. For Sophie, I’d have to write down every morsel in a notebook, for example: Breakfast—1 cup cereal: 28 carbs, ½ c. milk: 4 carbs, 1 tablespoon peanut butter: 3 carbs. Total: 37 carbs. Breakfast ratio: 1 unit for every 15 carbs. So, that’s 2.5 units. Now, if it came to be 2.7 units, I’d have to decide if I was going to round down to the closest ½ unit, risking her blood sugar going high for not enough insulin, or round up to the next whole unit, risking her blood sugar going low for too much insulin. Bottom line, many crazy math equations, and many stressful moments wondering if I’d guessed in the right direction, or if I was going to watch her suffer the consequences of my wrong choice in dosing. Now, I’ve gotten better at not feeling guilty, but the first few months, it was very difficult to not feel like I was the reason her blood-sugar wasn’t always stable, or worse, that she would have long-term consequences if I didn’t keep it under control. In a given day, Sophia would receive at least 3 shots for meals, sometimes an extra one for a snack, and always one long-acting insulin shot to mimic the slow acting insulin our bodies produce naturally. Also, everywhere Sophie goes, she gets to carry her “diabetes bag,” which contains her shots, her emergency shot, glucose tablets, a Calorie King book, a juice box, and alcohol wipes for shot/testing prep.

Almost 3 months ago, Sophia went on an insulin pump. This is a pricey little gadget that looks the size of a pager, and contains a vile of insulin that pumps through a long tube into her needle that stays in her bottom. It’s not surgically placed, so every 3 days we get to change the insertion site on her rump to avoid it getting infected, and to refill the insulin. The insulin pump has really made life easier. She can snack when she wants to, for the most part, and it figures the EXACT dose for me, and I don’t have to round up or down. We test her blood, and the numbers go by remote to the pump. The pump adjusts her blood-sugar and doses her food insulin by the touch of a button. Oh, and she of course picked a pink pump.

We’re happy to say that Sophia did go to Diabetes Camp this summer, and did love it! Though things like pink meters, and pink pumps, and diabetes camp did not seem like things to be happy about on day one, we now see how you can find joy in them. Diabetes camp was amazing, because not only did it increase her confidence in physical outdoor activities without a parent nearby, but it also gave her a chance to be a normal little girl for a few days…the very first day she met a little girl, “with the exact same pink pump!! Can you believe it?!!” (That was Sophie’s quote.)

We have to also say, that though this disease isn’t something we would have chosen, God has used it to bring us closer to Him. When Christ bore the cross He changed the face of suffering for those of us who follow Him. This journey has been so packed with revelation much of which we still cannot articulate. He has shown us what strength and wisdom a 5-year-old can have. He has shown us that we can trust Him to protect her. He has shown her that she can pray to Him for help and for a cure, and that she is uniquely strong to face such unfair challenges. We’ve even realized that 100 years ago, kids just died from Diabetes within a few weeks, and how fortunate we are that Sophia lives now and can have the blessing of modern-medicine to prolong her life. This year has made us so very thankful for our beautiful family, and for every day we get to spend together. God has helped us to strive for walking in peace through the difficult days. So much has changed in our lives, and so much has been realized.

So, back to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation Walk that we are participating in…

It is on October 3^rd in Tulsa. It is less than a mile, but it is a ceremonial representation of our very tough kiddos and all they overcome. It is a fundraiser for a cure. Though I’m thankful for the lessons learned, I am also trusting that God can make a way for a cure. That through funds raised, we can see Sophia and Forest live long, normal lives that don’t involve testing their blood 6-15 times a day, and constantly evaluating what they eat, and hoping they get the right amount of insulin for their needs.

What can you do? Well, of course, you can join us in this prayer. You can also join us in this walk. If you live close, or would like to travel here for the walk (which does not cost to join), the address for signup is:

http://walk.jdrf.org/walker.cfm?id=87369489

Oh, and for families who join the walk, a free t-shirt for every $50 you raise will be given for each of your walking family members.

Or, you can go to the website for a credit card donation (remember this goes towards a very important cure!!):

http://walk.jdrf.org/walker.cfm?id=87369489

Our other option is to buy a t-shirt. We will have them for sale for $15 for adult sizes and $10 for child sizes; the extra money will go towards our team’s donation, and you can have a fun t-shirt that raises awareness in diabetes research. Maybe you can re-educate someone on their misconceptions about diabetes! And you can just buy a t-shirt and come walk with us without any further commitment, but let me know if you’ll be there.

Well, thank you for taking the time to read our story. You are special to us, and that’s why we wanted to share our “reality” with you. There is no guilt on our end if you decide not to donate or walk, but we appreciate your listening for these few moments.

Thank you to so many of you who have shown so much love, thoughtfulness, and prayers for us in this last year.

God Bless,

Sophia and Her Fam

Summer's flyin'

For some, summer's over. Their kids have already returned to school this week (in OK at least). I have the great privilege of homeschooling, so we're in our jammies taking it easy, and still using our blow-up pool in the afternoons.

Ahhh...

I plan to blog about a couple of things in the coming days: why I'm homeschooling, and also the JDRF walk we're going to do in October. So, stay tuned. I'm sure it's hard to check often when I'm so sporadic at posting.

We actually did a little Homeschool preview today for the gals. I wanted to give them a taste of our schedule, and start warming up their brains. I'm not making their first official day for another week or so, but it was a funny reality of how it works. Norah whined because she wasn't in the middle of it all. I had this thought that she would just play in the other room, which she's content doing most of the time. But, this morning, she thought she needed to be on my lap and wanted to write and draw just like the big girls. Jossie did an excellent job at completing all of the assignments (of course several of them just seemed like games, so that was easy), but she did much better than a few months ago. She traced letters, discovered vowel sounds in words and drew lines, made up math stories with little erasers: "I have 4 flowers in the garden, and 2 trees, and 3 flamingos are hiding in it, that's 9!!" I had bought this book of mazes at a homeschool convention. I brought them to the doctor's office last week for her to work on while waiting, and I was shocked today to see she had completed over 30 mazes! She's almost finished the book, and we haven't even officially started school. Somehow I envisioned that lasting longer through the year. But she LOVES them! Then as soon as I told her she was done, and I praised her for being such a big girl, she promptly started screaming at me that she wanted a bottle....

Don't ask!

Poor Sophie struggled. She gets the concepts really quick. Her handwriting has improved a lot, but getting the poor girl to complete a task is like pulling teeth. Of course, it doesn't help when your blood sugar is going low in the middle of it all. Poor thing. We'll get there. At least she agreed that Mommy has done a better job at finding more fun things to do with school this year, so she has hopes that I'm not just going to confuse and bore her to death.

Anyway, we didn't even touch half the things I want to do in a day, mainly because I was just warming them up to the idea. But, I'm totally laughing at how chaotic and cranky the whole process was. Is this my foretaste???

That's OK. I still find joy in watching something new click and watching their confidence grow.

In other news, the TrialNet that Jossie and Norah were a part of to test their autoantibodies for Diabetes both came back negative. Hallelujah!! I choked back tears when reading the letters. We will take them back annually to re-test, but for a year I will breathe a sigh of relief and not prick their little fingers every time they have a screaming fit (not that my little angels have any of those).

Well, I've been very busy doing prep-work for homeschool, fitting in summer play dates, going to St. Louis, dealing with sickness and multiple doctor's appointments; thus the lack of blogging. Tis' life for all of us, I know.