Here's How Bad it Hurt

Jossie and Norah were part of TrialNet yesterday. This is where they take a blood sample once a year to see if they are showing any antibodies or signs that Diabetes could be developing. We won't know for a while I'm assuming, though I'm not too concerned as I've tested them with finger-sticks occasionally when they're excessively irritable, and they always have perfect numbers.

Anyway, they kept their bandages on all day, as you can see. When we were driving back to pick up Sophie, Jossie exclaims, "You know, I think that the needle kind of hurt like a sharp fingernail." So I said, "Well, that hurts, but not too bad." She thinks for a minute..."No, I think it hurt more like the crown that they stuck in Jesus' head!" Me: "Wow! That is pretty bad!" Jossie, "Yeah."

That's our little entertainer there. Always coming up with a new funny thing to say.

Here are a few more pics from this week. The family night on Monday also had 2 baby kangaroos that the girls got to pet. Kind of weird, they were in diapers and smelly, but the girls thought they were cool. Then there are a couple more pics of the silly camp girl from today.

Camp is good!

This is just a follow-up on the last post, for those who are wondering.

She's enjoying her time there. She met a friend the first day with the exact same pink pump! She was proud, because she showed the new friend how to turn the light on the pump.

And I was shocked to learn that she went on a big swing where she had to wear a helmet and a special belt that kept her attached to the swing. They cranked her high until she said stop and then she let go of the swing. She loved it! Yesterday she went canoeing, which she loved. She opted not to go on the very tall ropes course, maybe after her friend was crying at the top since it was so high.

The first night we came to pick her up, there was a free dinner and family swim time. She was so exhausted that she just cried to go home. We agreed, got to the car, and then Jossie cried about wanting to swim. So, Sophie calmed down and decided it would be fun to show off her camp to the family. We had a great time swimming together. I was surprised how much more confident Sophie had gotten in the water after one day away from Mom and Dad. She had a bit of an independent way about her for the entire evening. Even Norah decided she would rather swim without help. She managed to keep her head above water (with a life jacket on, of course). She also would lean backward and put her toes up out of the water. She was also very proud of herself.

The next day of camp, Sophia hadn't gotten enough sleep, so we could hardly wake her enough. She was trying to refuse to go to camp. After she got her wits about her and got dressed and in the car, she agreed she was excited and glad she was going back.

So, as I'm sure is true with most camping kids, she's totally exhausted at the end of each day, but having a great time. Her sugar numbers have been really good, so that's a relief. Some parents are reporting their kids being low all night long, and having difficult times getting their kids #'s to come up. I'm still getting up every night around 2 am to check her and make sure, because apparently exercise can have a latent effect on blood-sugar, so it's worth double-checking.

The heat has been near 100 each day! I'm enjoying the A/C, I must stay. It's amazing to see how red-cheeked the kids at camp are by the end of the day! I feel for the workers. Hope you're staying cool!

Camp Lo-Be-Gon

Well, we did it....she did it, really. She's at diabetes camp. We dropped her off this morning. It is not overnight (mom extremely grateful), but will be 4 full days of hiking, and canoeing, and archery, swimming, education, crafts, etc.

I won't lie...I cried. I started to sob, but choked it back quickly when we pulled up and I saw all of the kiddos with diabetes (and their siblings). I can't explain how it felt. It's Sophie's first time to be around other kids, well little girls specifically, with diabetes. Now, I am a bit nervous about the swimming and letting strangers be the ones in control of watching her there, but that's probably my biggest concern. And last week at VBS, she choked on a life saver. I'm guessing they're life-savers because they have the little hole in the middle, so when they're lodged in your throat you still get a little air. Totally freaky experience as she thought she was dying (even said so through the little hole). I nearly cancelled our reservation at the camp, because I thought I'm just not ready to relinquish that much control over her to others' care. Near-death experiences, no mom nearby...just not ok with that. But, as you can see by the beginning of this post, I've tried to let go of that notion, and just trust God to protect her and threaten the counselors with severe pain if something happens to my girl. Ok, I didn't go that far, don't worry

Here's why the emotions, I think. Diabetes has been such a pain in the patooshki (as we say around here) for the last 9 months. As I've said many times before, it's a life-changer and often so difficult. But, it's a badge of honor for Sophia. It's something she has gotten through with grace and strength. It's all-consuming and something that invades her every time she has to prick her finger, get a shot, report she feels "shaky," change her pump site, or unplug or replug to swim or take a bath.

This is her life. She's so, so proud of herself, and wants everyone she meets to know she has diabetes and now to see her pink pump. The day after she got it, we were at a homeschool event and she was showing all her friends. They mostly just stared at her with confusion and a little afraid in some cases. One girl looked at her so excitedly and exclaimed "Oh, yay! You got a camera!!" We've been in public and she'll insist we tell a stranger that we happened to strike up a conversation with that she has diabetes and a pink pump. She doesn't get it that it's a little akward to bring that up to strangers, so we usually find a way to tell them, just to make her happy, even though it does end up being, well, akward. She thinks all kids she meets should be so excited about her pump. Needless to say they don't get it. She handed it to our little friend who's nearly two the other night, and the friend promptly yanked it, because it looks like a toy. Now, we totally understand that kids just don't get it.

She got to show off her finger-pricking and educate 13 kids at VBS all about diabetes. She even explained how her pancreas doesn't work, but their's does, and she has to keep track of her blood-sugars to make sure she's ok. They all just stared at her and one kid yelled, "Ooh! Is it contagious?!!" I felt sorry for her. I feel sorry for her every time she akwardly shoves her pump in some kid's face, and they look at her like she's weird, and she's just soooo proud. It doesn't make her sad though. Somewhere inside, she knows they don't understand, but she's going to tell them anyway.

So, back to today.

Wow! To be a totally and completely normal child. To be just like everyone around you. I'm crying just typing it. It's amazing. I'm so happy for her to meet some friends that are 6 years old, and have diabetes, and are on pumps or shots. She's in a group of about 10 little girls with 2 adult counselors, and it looked like 2 teen counselors and they ALL have type-1 diabetes! She's completely accepted and completely normal. Now, the nurse gave me bug-eyes when I told her she gets hives and asthma often outside in grass, and around animals. But, that's ok. Lots of kids have allergies and asthma, and I'm sure she'll be just fine there. (That used to be a big deal to me before October 6, 2008).

Well, here's hoping I can not obsess on these things all week, and can just get some things done at home. Say a prayer for her this week. It's a big deal. Oh, that was the best picture I could get of her with Jossie hugging her good-bye. She has been so excited for 2 weeks telling everyone she's going to diabetes camp, but today after she changed into her new t-shirt, she got pretty quiet and nervous. She left me without tears though......

Sweet girl.

Going Well.

I am quite exhausted, so blogging hasn't been a high priority, but overall, the pump process is going quite well.

We had to switch infusion sets, which is the needle or canula that stays in her fat layer on her bottom. The needle version was waking her up at night and leaving big bruises from where she'd hit it hard when rolling over on it. The nurse tried to tell me that it was psychological, and referred to her as "the princess and the pea." Whatever. I say, until we walk a mile in her shoes, we can't really say, but that's just me. Anyway, we switched to a softer canula tube and she hasn't complained since.

The pump has really done a great job at keeping her blood sugar in "normal" range. I put it in quotes because it is still nothing like our normal, but it is under 200 most of the time, and I can tell she feels better. Her behavior is so much better. It makes me tear-up when I think about how different she is the last 2 weeks. She is calm and reasonable, and sweet. It's really precious and it makes me wish she'd gone on the pump sooner. But, there's no use in looking back.

I'm exhausted because I still have to set an alarm every night at 2 am to check her and make sure she's not crashing. We've only had to wake her up once to force some carbs in her, and she really didn't like that. She doesn't wake up well, so it took a long time of her being angry and screaming before she realized she had to ingest something. The next morning she didn't even remember it.

She has had more "lows" on the pump. This is where her blood-sugar dips below 70 and she has to get some carbs. It seems to happen when playing or exercising, and we just haven't mastered the art of properly carbing beforehand. One day she didn't quite finish her cupcake and we got distracted. I left for the store, and Joe was busy working on the yard. She was watching a movie with Mamaw (and this is often a distracting time for her to not realize something's going wrong). She finally started panicking and running around calling for Joe. When he tested her, she was 34! She was starting to pass-out when he came back in the room with juice. Luckily he got her to wake up enough to drink it. It freaked me out though. Mom called me to come home, and everything was fine by the time I got there. But, it was a yucky reminder of the seriousness of diabetes and the fact that things can go wrong fast.

It's those moments that have me wondering if I'll ever be able to fully relax about it and trust myself with the disease. The fact that kids play hard and are constantly growing adds so much to the factors that can throw things off. Maybe when she's an adult it will seem more predictable.

She still complains of her tummy hurting most days. We can't see the GI doctor until September, so we just have to wait until then to see if it's celiac or something else, or hopefully nothing at all.

Well, off to sleepy-ville...at least for 2 hours. Woo-hoo! Nothing like nap-sleeping.

The Pump is in My Bottom

Yesterday, Sophie woke up and came into my bed and started singing a song:

The pump is gonna be in my bottom today,
in my bottom, bottom, bottom, today.

And then cracked up at herself.

And then today the song went: (try to guess)

The pump IS in my bottom today,
my bottom, bottom, bottom....ha, ha, ha, ha...:-)

She handled it all well yesterday. She wanted to skip past the part where Joe and I had to sit through the class and learn how to use, fill, and change sites on the little thing. But, when it came to actually putting it in, and getting it started, she did great. Very calm, and very proud of herself. Wanted to call her grandparents and tell them all about it, right way.

The overnight part was, as we feared, not so fun. It wasn't bad in the "she freaked out" sort of way. She actually tested well. But, the first time we tested, she was 79, which isn't technically low, but I was afraid she'd go below 70, so I made her drink a little juice.

The second testing at 2 am went fine too, but she couldn't go back to sleep. Somewhere in there, Norah and Jossie picked up on the tension, and couldn't sleep either. So, I spent a couple of hours in there trying to lull everyone back to sleep. When I wasn't in there, Joe was. Norah was in my bed, and completely crying, fitful, etc. Bummer.

Probably we had about 2-3 hours of sleep total. I'm praying tonight goes better. Unfortunately, because of the crazy lack of sleep, her behavior went off the deep end before bedtime tonight. So, it's all a little stressful.

So far, she hasn't had any scary moments. It's not regulating her blood sugar as well as shots were yet, but I know that will get better, as we can do so many more tiny adjustments that can't be done with shots.

Anyway, thought I'd give an update for anyone who might have been wondering. I'm too tired to say much more.

Hopefully pics of the pump tomorrow. As well, as deep, insightful, inspirational thoughts. Ha!

Mostly Pics and Prayers

First off, please be praying for Sophia in the coming weeks/months. Two reasons: 1) She's starting the pump on Wednesday, so that's going to be a huge transition. She doesn't do waking up in the middle of the night well, so we'll see how that part goes, as we have to test 1-2 times nightly for a while. 2) She was pre-diagnosed with possible Celiac disease this week. We can't get into the specialist for 3 months to find out if it's true. You can google it to understand it more. But, basically it means no wheat, or any products with gluten. So, no normal mac-n-cheese, cookies, cheez-its, sandwiches, breaded nuggets, etc. The things that kids eat, and the things that I've come to make our "normal" diet out of for keeping her numbers stable with diabetes. So, my prayer is that the initial report is wrong, and that this is NOT a disease she has to live with. Please agree with us for that. I feel God wants us to trust Him to make that happen. We already accepted that we would trust Him to get us through if it's true, but somehow trusting Him for healing, and a good report seems more outside of what we believe sometimes.


Now for pics.

The toothless grin is here: #2 fell out this morning.





Here's the pic she drew of the toothfairy for the toothfairy:



Norah trying to fill some big shoes.



And being Daddy's "Ba-Pa!" (Back Pack).



"Queen Princess Jossie" during her last day of school:



And hoping the goofy knight will rescue her:



Our tea party for girls only on Saturday.



Nana and Aunt Rosemary donning their wrapping paper hats with style.



Sophie decorating the paper for our paper fans we made at the party.



Jossie politely sipping.




Norah politely sipping.



Jossie thoroughly annoyed with her hat. Actually she loved it until Sophie was thoroughly annoyed with her own hat, and then Jossie followed suit.


The girls celebrating their summer birthdays together at the homeschool co-op.

Mother's Day

First off, a big Thank You to our moms. They're such a blessing. And as we are now raising our own kids, we wonder how they ever survived our antics. xoxoxo

I've had a good weekend, and have felt peaceful and blessed. Many laughs too. My kids are deliciously cute when they're in good moods (and when I'm in a good mood).

I already posted on Sophie's biggest achievement of the week. She is also growing to be so thoughtful. We went to the $1 jewelry shop this week, and on her own, she decided to find her own money and buy a necklace for me in secret. She hid it from me until today. Jossie also did this, but it wasn't as secret. I wore both of them together today, and an earring from both...a little mismatched, but they loved it. And I loved that they're starting to think of others. Sophie hugged me so many times today and said "I love you" and "Happy Mother's Day." She's also getting really good at drawing. She drew a picture of the tooth-fairy last night, and made us take a picture of it, since it would be disappearing with the tooth. :-)

Jossie has the funniest way of saying things. She likes to use a lot of adverbs right now, like actually, perfectly, especially, etc. We had a tea party with Nana and Aunt Rosemary today. Jossie has hit this very conversational age. She loves girlie things like tea parties. She loves to ask, "So Nana, how's your day been?" And she loves to talk, and talk, and talk.

Some of the funny words she says:

Ard (as in playing in the back ard)

o-o (as in yo-yo)

ogurt (as in yogurt)

ell (as in "Sophie elled at me")

awn (as in "I dust had a big awn, I'm tidered" as in "I just had a big yawn, I'm tired.")

She tip-toes everywhere, does a spin across every floor she's walking upon, falls off her chair during dinner or lunch every day from wiggling so much, and runs into every door frame or door knob in the house at least once a day. In fact, a couple of weeks ago we were at a water-park hotel, and Sophie clocked herself between the eyes on one of the water spouts. She got a huge knot and slight black eyes from it. Jossie did the same thing a few minutes later, and her hard head sustained no damage. I'm thankful for her head of steel. She fell off of the top bunk and landed her head first on the wooden toy box a couple of months ago, and again, not even a bump. Angels surround that sweet girl.

She has funny ways of doing things, like she walks through our hardwood floored house, which inevitably always has crumbs on it, and wipes her feet off on the furniture as she's headed back to her room, though she doesn't complain about the mess, because it's mostly caused by her. She drops whatever she doesn't want, wherever she is at. She will roll around on the floor and pretend she can't hear you for an hour at a time, singing songs, and doing make-believe, if you're trying to force her to pick up one single toy.

And Man, is she sweet. She loves to tell me what a good Mommy I am, and she loves alone time with Daddy. She snuggles, and kisses, and giggles, and makes me smile whether I'm looking at her or not. She also learned to write her name this week, and is sooo proud of herself. She likes to avoid homeschool, which I don't mind, because she's so young. But, this week when she accomplished that she looked at me with the biggest smile and squealed, "I like learning!!" Aww, she deserves a bit of time on the blog.

Norah has been just adorable to watch lately. She loves it if she's had a long nap and outlasts her sissies at bedtime. She gets all of the attention for another hour, which involves coloring, snuggling, "chatting," playing babies, or doing projects like putting socks on her hands to make puppets. She loves to kiss and stroke your arm or Joe's back of his head. She's even said, "I yuv jou Daddy." Yes, I'm jealous.

She has a great vocabulary...most of it needs parental interpretation, but we are at that stage where we get a lot of what she's saying. Like "ba-pa gink" is Back Pack Drink, which means she wants her Dora drink cup (she calls her Back Pack, because of the song on the show so frequently sung). She usually wants "I" in it (ice), and she loves to eat "gragoos" (cookies, crackers, general snacks).

She's funny too. When she's overly tired she gets goofy and we say she has bubbles in her. So, the other night she was trying to get wound up, and we mentioned her having bubbles. Then she tried to get us sucked into a silly game of running around the coffee table. After a few tries, I said, "Daddy said it's time to get quiet and go to bed." She looks at him and rolls her eyes practically, sighs, and starts walking to the bedroom, and says, "Nigh-nigh Bubbles." Then she giggles in her exasperation.

Ahh...sweet babies.

So, in reflecting on Mothering, I have so many thoughts...though you'll only be privvy to a few.

Some of my unhappy surprises:

Whining and screaming are too often occurrences and wow they're annoying.

That it hurts so bad when your child is hurting.

It is maddening that you can't completely control your child's health, nor determine their future, nor totally protect them from harm.

Some of my happy surprises:

That I can cry when I stare at any of my children, just because I'm so in love.

The sound of giggles is the most beautiful sound to my ears (well, unless it's accompanied by naughty/sneaky behavior of course).

The smell of their skin, and the feel of their cheeks on mine, is like Heaven.

That I have big dreams for their future, but I love the tiniest sweet moments right now.

Losing Teeth

Sophia has lost her top front tooth, which looks pretty funny to all of us. It was a little traumatic, as it was spurred on by the eating of an apple, and much bleeding followed. But, after giving a list of the types of teeth she has (A lost tooth, a loose tooth, a new tooth, a sweet tooth, an old tooth, a bottom tooth, a top tooth, and a white tooth) she went to sleep and is awaiting the tooth fairy. Sadly, she's expressing her doubts about the magical creature, since she recently found a four-leaf clover and hasn't seen anything magical or "lucky" come of it. You can see her reasoning for doubting the fairy, right?

Can I say this one makes me a little sad? Baby teeth are just so cute. She always had this gap between her two front teeth, and when she was 2 or 3 she would ask me when her other tooth was going to grow in, you know, the one in the middle, she'd say. Awww. It's a little hard letting go of the baby...

Well, anyway, the tooth fairy has had fun with using the moment to speak some truth into her life and giving her a smile and a buck all at the same time.

Here's the tooth fairy's latest letter:

Dear Sophia,

Wow! I can’t believe you’ve already lost your front tooth! Was it scary when it came out? I took a peak, and it looks like I’ll be back soon for the one right next to this one.

It looks like you have still been brushing well, as this tooth is also shiny-clean! Keep up the good work!

You look so peaceful and sweet when you sleep, just like God made you to be. I know you are learning more and more about Him and how much He loves you. Jesus is the best friend we could ask for, a more precious gift than even my little token for your tooth. I know He will continue to give you a strong heart and courage as you conquer the tough times in life. He told me recently how much you have been learning to trust Him. That makes me happy. And the tooth fairy needs lots of happiness to keep these wings fluttering.

You are such a sweet girl, Sophia. I must leave now to gather teeth from other boys and girls. Enjoy my little gift to you.

I’ll see you again very soon! You are keeping me busy!

Your Friend,

The Tooth Fairy

It also has this beautiful picture of the sweet fairy at the top, though it wouldn't cut and paste onto the blog. Oh well.

May you too keep believing in fairies...or at least the power that comes from believing you are this precious person who is loved and created by God alone.

The Pump is in the Mail

I got a call on Friday from our diabetic pump company. He said we were approved by our insurance company, and all he needed was a little information.

Sophie chose a pink pump.

Of course.

Anyway, we worked out a financial plan, and as soon as I can get the lessons scheduled with the clinic we are a go for the next phase.

I hear it's a rough first couple of weeks working out the kinks and new ratios. It makes you feel a lot like the beginning again for a while. I'm not excited about that, but her birthday is coming up, and I'd love to be on the upswing and have things more stable by then.

I cried when I got off the phone. I'm just excited to see us move forward and maybe see some stability.

Keep her in your prayers as we step into this new phase. She's also had a lot of complaints of not feeling well lately. We don't know if she's just hypersensitive to her body because of the whole diabetes experience, or if she is sick with something. We'll be checking into that this week too.

Addendum: Darn! We can't get a start date until May 20th due to the clinic lady being in Jury Duty. Oh well, I'm sure there's something to be worked on or learned in the waiting process.

On Evangelism

This is something I know little about, and don't profess to be good at doing.

Why?

It's uncomfortable.

It's easy to say it's for "other" people to do.

I don't want to be "weird" like America perceives the church to be.

I don't want to make someone else uncomfortable.

I don't know what my story is exactly.

What??

To write it is a little shameful and shocking. What do you think of when you hear the word Evangelism?

Exactly.

I picture loud and in-your-face tv preachers, door-to-door knockers, or people who give a "track" for a tip at a restaurant, on the one side. On the other side I picture the gentle loving missionaries in other countries who are generally warmly received with their message of hope, love, and a faith in a relational God: Jesus.

Now me: Hmmm...American, busy, too busy to talk to my neighbors much, too shy to talk to a stranger in a store, too judgmental of the churches ways of doing things poorly, too insecure in who I am as a Believer.

This isn't a condemnation note. I've just been really inspired by some of the sermons that have been given at my church these last 3 weeks. I love my church. My pastor is really good at not just teaching, but motivating people to get out of their comfy seats and do something to share Jesus. Why? Because we all need Him.

I'd love for you to hear these messages too. Not that I need to make any disclaimers, but they aren't weird, or loud, or abrasive, or condeming. They aren't messages that you'll hear in most churches. On Easter Sunday, 3 different testimonies of God's saving power were given, and they weren't the typical kind you're used to hearing (if you're used to hearing any). They are refreshing. http://www.bctulsa.com/uploads/2009.html You can do podcasts, or go into MP3 downloads for the archives of the messages. April 5, 12, 19 are the dates. This being Monday, I doubt yesterday's message is there yet. But, so worth it if it is. We had a guest speaker: Adam Cox (I think), the head of 24-7 prayer in Kansas City. (Go to http://24-7prayer.com/ if you're interested in that movement. Our church is a big part of it as well.) He's younger than us, and not a life-long church-goer. I kind of thought I was watching a youth pastor at first, but his message was so sweet and meaningful, and a shock to my expectations.

So, I'm still thinking on what this means for me.

I definitely need to think through my story. I love Jesus. I do. We couldn't have made it through the last 6 months, or even the last couple of years with any sense of hope or strength without Him. There's a story in there, I just need words to go with it.

Be encouraged. You have a story too. I'd love to hear it.

Addendum: A friend of mine from church summed it up much more eloquently. It's a good/inspiring read. http://geidlbots.blogspot.com/2009/04/witness.html

Confessions

At the beginning of last week, we had all been a bit cranky. I was the worst, to be honest. But, I was determined we were going to change our attitudes.

When I'm really in a rut with how I'm thinking about life, I know I have to pray for help. I was pleading with God to give me/us peace and to help me think clearly about how to be the role model that I need to be as Mom.

So, we were doing homeschool, and as part of that, we start out before lessons praying together. We discuss any specific things we want to pray about first. Then I usually pray, unless they want to.

So, I'm leading by example and thank Jesus for dying for us and raising again that we might know Him and feel Him in our lives. Then I talked to Him about how sorry I was for being cranky and not obeying with my behavior and attitude. To which Sophie pipes up, "Yeah, God, me too." I thought that was so sweet. She struggles with shame and guilt, so for her to simply confess and acknowledge to God that she made a mistake and needs forgiveness was a huge step.

Then I was moving on with our prayer and Jossie was just quietly sitting there, and Sophie interrupts. "Oh, God...Jossie's sorry too for all of her bad things." Just in case Jossie didn't remember that she needed to confess, Sophie did it for her. What a helpful sister!

And look at her....What could she possibly have to confess?

Banana Mini-Chip Bread

Oh Yeah! I have come up with a delicious and diabetic-friendly recipe. I'm sure there will be many more to follow. When you bake in 3 pans and do 11 slices each, they're only about 12.5 carbs a slice (or 14 carbs if you only do 10 slices each). And a little slice of heaven they are too.

Ingredients:
1/4 c. unsalted butter, softened
1/4 c. natural unsweetened applesauce
1/4 c. veg. oil
1/4 c. sour cream
3/4 c. white sugar
1 c. Splenda Granulated
5 bananas (mashed well before adding).
3 eggs
2 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 1/4 c. Whole Wheat flour
1 c. all-purpose flour
1/4 c. ground flax seeds
1 c. mini-chips (semi-sweet)
1/2 c. chopped walnuts

Directions:

1) Preheat oven to 350, and spray 3 bread pans with "cooking spray with flour" (Baker's Joy or Crisco)

2) Mix butter, applesauce, sour cream and oil well. Add sugars and beat for a minute or two. Add eggs, bananas, and vanilla. Then add flours and baking soda, powder and salt. Don't over-mix at this point. Stir in mini-chips and nuts. Pour in even amounts into the pans and bake for 35-45 minutes until golden and toothpick comes out clean.

Mmmmm....

Did I Mention?

I think I forgot to mention in recent posts that Sophia's A1C was 6.3 last time. That's a great number! It was 8.9 when diagnosed, and the desired range for avoiding long-term body damage is between 5 and 7. So, I felt a sigh of relief that the ups and downs weren't as awful as I'd fretted they could be.

I try not to over-analyze every number, but when I'm the one who's in charge of keeping her from suffering from the side-effects of diabetes, I do feel responsible when her numbers are off.

I talked to a couple people from the clinic this week. They feel her current weird numbers are two things: One, she's going through a growth spurt, which can throw things off. Two, she's starting to show more rebounding.

What in the world does that mean, we all wonder???

Well, apparently as the pancreas is closer to fully calling it quits, it stops sending the right messages, and whenever her sugar drops below 70 the liver starts spitting out sugar. Since it's not getting messages from the pancreas, it doesn't know when to stop. Thus her numbers go from 45 to 465 in a matter of an hour or two. It's good to have an explanation and not feel so so much guilt. But, I can't help but wonder what this means. Will she always vacillate wildly like this? That feels so awful in her body. And it's awful to observe. I feel powerless.

Tear, tear...

Sniff, sniff...

Sigh.

She and I have had some sweet moments lately though. Lots of snuggles when we're trying to get her to come up or down. She has a beautiful soul, that girl.


I recently had one of those really bad days where the sad feelings were taking over. I did one of those things we probably all have done in our lifetimes, and questioned whether God really existed. Sorry, I hope that doesn't sound ridiculous to some. I said, "I don't mean to test You, but I really need to know that you care about my situation. I need you to give me a scripture that spells it out for me."

I laughed at myself afterword. This is why: I felt led to turn to Psalms.

First verse I see in Psalms:

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42:5

Attitude Adjustment Needed, or Maybe Just Chocolate

As an addendum to last night's post...ugh! So, like I was saying about the unpredictable nature of this disease, she was low most of the day yesterday, and continued to go low after given a snack of milk and animal crackers to bring her up. So, I gave her juice and 2 crackers with peanut butter (20 carbs...more fast-acting with the juice). She was 115 when she went to bed, and since she had been low all day, we decided to check her in the middle of the night. We tested at 12:30, and she was 465!!

Sigh...

So, she gets a shot in the middle of the night. Thank the Lord, I was able to wake her up enough to make some jokes with her and get her to understand that she needed to test and get a shot, without food to accompany. I said, "Can you imagine any other 5 year-old's getting up in the middle of the night and pricking their finger and getting a shot? You're a tough cookie!" She laughed.

I went to bed sad and confused. The corrections are just not easy to figure out. I am waiting for the Diabetes Center to call me and discuss the craziness of it all, so I can figure out if it was just a fluke of a day, or if I did something wrong with the insulin/carbs, etc.

We've had a super-busy week with errands, activities, doctor's appointments, parties, etc. So, I was looking forward to today with nothing to do and I could catch up the house. I woke up with the beginnings of a virus, and Norah and Jossie have been sick with one for over a week, and Sophia thought she was going to puke.

Waaaaaaaaa!!

Well, I wouldn't be sad if anyone just showed up at my door with Thin Mint cookies or Dark Chocolate truffles from Whole Foods.

Is that bad?

Oh well. We did have the rare pleasure of big soft snow-flakes falling today. Norah was THRILLED!! She calls it Gnow. We put on coats and hats and went outside and caught flakes on our tongues, and danced, and Sophia and Jossie had a fun make-believe world going, and we made a hop-scotch and all jumped. Then the yellow snot was all over their faces, and Momma had to make the call...Time to go in!!

Here are a few pics from today.

Highs and Lows

I think I could post one with that title every week.


Today it's not as much the emotional highs and lows as it is the physical ones she experiences. It's been a weird day. For the last week or so she's had a lot of numbers over 200 and 300. I started feeling like I wasn't paying enough attention and wasn't giving her enough insulin. So this week has been better, but today she went low (below 70) like 5 times! Every time requires extra carbs to bring her back up, and sometimes she'd continue to go lower. It's so dang confusing. Sometimes I give her like 10 carbs to correct a low and she'll shoot up over 200. Tonight I gave her 15 carbs and she dropped 20 more points. So, I had to give her 20 more carbs, and it brought her up to 115, which is high enough to send her to bed. However, not high enough for us to sleep all night without worrying. So, we get to set an alarm, or just go to bed really late on a night when we're already totally exhausted, and test her blood sugar again. That's never fun, as she usually can't wake up enough to put up with it and gets really angry, screams, cries, runs away from us, etc. Then when you ask her about it in the morning, she'll say, "Oh, you tested me last night?"

Are you serious? I'm thinking...


Most of the time we go through our days and nights with a lot of peace. Then there are days like today when we're reminded how unpredictable and very serious this disease is for her.


Yesterday I went to a coffee-talk with other moms of diabetics. There is also a young woman there who has Type I and works for JDRF. We had just gone to our first pump class, so I had a lot of questions for them about the different ones and which ones they were on. They also helped me feel like Sophia's sometimes irradic behavior is very normal. I met another mom with a kindergartener who said her daughter does very similar things. We talked about getting the girls together to play. I think it would do Sophie a world of good to meet another girl her age, plus this girl has a pump. So she could see what it's like.


The moms also helped me get a better understanding of how truly awful she feels a good portion of the time still. The woman with Type 1 gave some great descriptors for how it feels. Before her diagnosis, she was hanging out in the highs all of the time, so she was tired, and thirsty, and cranky. But now she vascilates between the highs and lows and feels those swings, and feels completely yucky on either end. They said that at as high as 250 (which she's often at) her blood is as thick as corn syrup and it feels like walking in sand. At the lows (below 70) it feels like that shaky, hungry, irrational feeling we get, except MUCH worse and more intense, often with sweating. Darn. Who wants to feel that way? It really stinks to think of her as feeling that way most of the time and trying to be a normal kid too.

It helped me have more compassion for her again. I've moved on to trying to be normal through all of this, and honestly have forgotten that she still feels bad, and hasn't necessarily just gotten used to the yucky feelings and can ignore them. At the same time, it really is confusing and a bit frustrating to know how to approach this information in the way of parenting. It's like, I still have to teach her that disrespectful or aggressive behavior is unacceptable in our house, yet, I need to try to get a larger measure of grace and more creative techniques for when she's high or low. I want her to cope, and feel like she's capable of making good choices. But, it's not as black and white as I'd like for it to be.

We'll be thinking on this one for a while....